Question: My husband passed away a sudden death about 10 months ago. We were married almost 40 years.I loved him dearly, he was my lover and best friend. I miss his laughs, hugging, holding hands, just being together – we did everything together. Now he’s gone and I feel so alone.
I’ve been very lonely and depressed, crying day and night. I’m in my sixties with adult children and several grandchildren. They live close by and we see each other regularly. I Own my own business and stay fairly busy – as busy as I want to. Several months ago, an old high school sweetheart I haven’t seen in over 40 years who lives out of state, came home to visit his mother, and while he was here looked me up. We got together yo reminisce about old times, and I enjoyed being with him. He wants to get back together, but he wants to do more than hug, kiss and hold hands. He wants sex.I told him we will have to marry first.
He’s been divorced since the late 80’s and has no desires to reconnect with his former wife. I feel when I’m with him that time started over with us as if we’ve never been apart. I feel like God had him to cross my path again to awaken me out of my grieving. He wants to marry if that’s what it is going to take to be with me. My kids and sisters aren’t sure.
He has a good paying job, so he wouldn’t be after my money. He also said he’s willing to help me through the rest of my grieving, because some days I’m with him and I start crying for no reason and I can’t stop my tears. I love being with him and I feel like I can love him very easily. Sisters are telling me I haven’t grieved enough
Who can put a time on how long to grieve? IS IT TOO SOON TO MARRY – AND I WANT TO MARRY W/ AN ORDAINED MINISTER AND NO LICENSES. PLEASE REPLY!
I’m very sorry for your loss. I was widowed long ago, and I feel your pain.
You’re right, no one can put a time frame on grief. Everyone has to do this grieving in their own way and time. However, it is very soon after your husband’s passing, especially since it was so sudden (I worry you’re in shock still), and some of the words you use leads me to believe you may not be ready for marriage again. You surely are still grieving.
I would date this man for a while. If he really loves you, he can wait for marriage and wait for you to be completely ready. Pray together about it and see where you’re lead.
Note that you should speak with your pastor about getting married in the eyes of God without legality (licenses). I’m not a religion expert, but have been told this isn’t acceptable to God as per the Bible. I encourage you to seek counseling, both spiritual and psychological. If you can find a counselor to do both, excellent.
Going through the grieving process is painful, no doubt, but it has to be done in order to move on with life. I urge you not to rush through this time of grief.
I wish you well,
Dr. Meredith Hansen, Clinical Psychologist & Relationship Expert
Helping engaged and newlywed couples build lasting marriages.
I am also very sorry for your loss.
It is wonderful that someone has come into your life to assist you in getting through this very difficult time. I agree that you are likely still grieving and that wanting to be physically intimate and feeling like you can love someone is not a reason to marry right now.
I believe it in order for you to truly be able to move forward with a new marriage, you must focus on your own grief right now and should seek out counseling with a trained professional. When we are with someone for a long time, our identity becomes tied to that person. When they are no longer in our lives, there can be a powerful sense of loss and confusion. Everything we once knew and trusted has changed and we have to regain our sense of self.
Before you can fully give yourself to another man, you have to find you again and heal from your grief. This does not mean that you have to end the relationship, but rather take the time necessary to stabilize yourself, identify and understand your feelings, and get in touch with your wants and needs for the future.
Thank you, Dr. Hansen. That was beautifully said.