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help - i feel like my dad is acting crazy

kvaughn27
New User

Post #1 of 2 (1841 views)

help - i feel like my dad is acting crazy

I am 26 years old. A couple of days before Thanksgiving, this past year, my 5 months pregnant sister, who is 23 years old was to be married. The night before her rehearsal, we (my father, two sisters, myself and my husband) woke up in the middle of the night to find my mother, 53 with no health problems, in cardiac arrest. My other sister did CPR until the paramedics arrived. When she was transfered to the hospital we were told she was brain dead but could be kept "alive" indefinitely on a respirator. We made the decision to have the respirator removed the day after Thanksgiving on what was to have been my sister's wedding day. 8 months later, (my dad grieved like crazy for 6 months), I was really worried about him, but one day he woke up and decided that he was fine. Now he has been dating an old friend of my mother's, for one month, and tells us he plans to get married to her, and insinuates that it will be before a year has passed since my mother died. He also has made it quite clear that he is not interested in our opinion on this. I am extrememly upset and don't know how to handle this. I feel like at this point I can't even talk with my father because the only conversation he will have is to try to convince us that this is the right thing to do and that we just need to catch up with him and "get over" my mom. HELP!!!!

(This post was edited by the_admin on Aug 3, 2005, 6:52 PM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 2 (1819 views)

Re: [kvaughn27] help - i feel like my dad is acting crazy [In reply to]

I can�t even begin to imagine what this year has been like for all of you, losing your mother so suddenly at the time of your sister�s wedding. This has been the most difficult time for all of you so I can understand how it must be such a challenge to accept what seems to be such a sudden change in your father, with more changes to come, should he remarry. I know also from personal experience, that when you lose a parent, sometimes you are so preoccupied with them and their well-being, (you said you had been really worried about him), that you don�t give yourself the chance to go through the grieving process in a way that heals some of your wounds. That can also be why it is so tough to then see your parent decide to move on with his life, after you have cared for him and taken care, often at the expense of meeting your own needs.

You are all operating from a difficult place here. However, it would seem at first glance, that perhaps because your father went through such an intense period of grieving over a 6-8 month period, that perhaps he has really dealt with much of the pain, that takes many of us much longer, even years longer, to adequately deal with. That is not to say that he does not miss your mother, or love her any less, but it is quite possible that he has made a decision that is best for him � to move on with his life in a different direction. I know it seems soon for you and your sisters, and in some cases it is too soon, if a person has not went through the various stages of grief. Some individuals do rush headlong into new relationships as a way to deal with or avoid facing their losses, but it doesn�t necessarily sound like that in your father�s case. He has also known this other woman for some time and this too is not unusual for a person whose lost a spouse to find companionship often in the form of an intimate relationship, with a friend of the deceased, or another long-time friend. The upside of this is that they have known each other for some time and have some idea of what they�re entering into as opposed to meeting a complete stranger and deciding to jump into a relationship.

There is so much to consider here. I can�t say for sure that this is the right choice for your Dad, but he is the one who is making it and has every right to do that. You also have every right to voice your concern, just make sure where you�re concern is coming from. Had he not started a relationship at this point, you would probably have been simply quite relieved and happy for him that he was coming around and able to live life again. The addition of the relationship at this time always poses questions and doubts for those around the person that care for him/her, particularly his/her children. You have every right to talk with him about this and should do that. You don�t however have the right to make the decision for him. If you do try to push him to accept your position, he will push back. He probably will try to convince you that this is the right thing for him to do because he believes it is the right thing for him. I would hope that he wouldn�t try to convince you to �catch up with him and try to �get over� your mom�, but if he did just let him know that that is not your intention.

It sounds like you�ve already decided this is the absolute wrong thing for him to do and you maybe have lots of reasons for thinking this from: it being disrespectful to your mother, to it being too soon and he�s not ready, to it really puts a lot of strain on you and your sisters to accept this new person and go on with life like nothing happened. I can't say why he's made it so clear that he's not interested in your opinion, except that he might already know what your opinion is and is quite sure that he doesn't want to be talked out of his intentions. That is why it is so important to talk with him but to keep an open mind and open heart, or there won't be any discussion at all. Once again, I just have to say how extremely difficult this has to be for you.

I would suggest just talking with him, not judging him or pushing him into any corners. Anyone who has ever tried to talk another person out of marrying someone, has usually been unsuccessful � and it sounds like you would be too. Just remind him how much you love and care about him, that you only want what�s best for him, but that you do have concerns. Bottom line though, if you want to maintain a relationship with your father, and I believe you do, you should respect his decision, even if you disagree, and let him know that you�ll be there for him. You don�t want to set up any walls or barriers to communication because you need each other to continue getting through this difficult time and you simply need each other's support as a family. I also highly doubt that your dad has �gotten over� your mom. What he�s doing does not indicate that he has, but that he simply needs to move on in his life and everyone does that in their own way and in their own time. If you push him, he will most certainly push back and then you will be in a deadlock. Explain to him how this is difficult for you because you have lost so much in this past year and are in no way prepared for moving on at this time, but that if he needs to do this, then you will maintain a relationship with him ( if you can) so that you can be there for each other.

Just know that when a parent moves on after the death of a spouse, no matter when it happens, months or even years afterward, it can still be very difficult for the children, no matter how old they are. This is because you are reminded of the original loss and the way in which that profoundly changed your lives forever, which you never asked for or wanted. When it comes sooner however, it is even more difficult, because you often haven�t even gone through the necessary grieving yourself. I would recommend taking care of yourself right now and perhaps you can do that now that your dad is moving on and taking care of his own needs. Give yourself the time you have in front of you now to do the grieving and anything else you feel is necessary for yourself, to heal and move on as best as you can. Often people need professional help to get through the tremendous grief they are experiencing and if you feel that you might benefit from that, by all means seek it out.

You are a strong person or you wouldn�t have made it this far and it was your strength and the strength of your family that allowed your Dad to heal and come out on the other side with a renewed interest in living life again. Take comfort in knowing that and be proud of the gift you have given him. Give yourself this same gift now and take the time to take care of yourself and your needs. My thoughts are with each one of you.

Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca