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widowed one year waiting period for dating rule

barrymichele
Novice

Post #1 of 2 (3055 views)

widowed one year waiting period for dating rule

I've been reading alot of the various postings throughout this website and one thing comes to mind as a widower of nearly a year (my wife passed away May 2004), many of my friends talk about the one-year waiting rule???? I understand the concept, but how really valid is it. I've read where some widows/widowers have meet their new partners and have married inside the one year window. Some with children, so not, some younger children, some adult. Some have put off a marriage until the passing of a holiday like Christmas for the family to have one last get together as the "old" family.

With my one year anniversary of the passingof my wife and the decision that my girl friend and I have made to move forward with our relationship, It seems to me that there is a constantly revolving door of emotional days of the year that will never end and to put off something for the sake of someone else's feelings is not fair to the couple. Life still goes on, and if I feel a need to be with someone for the rest of my life, it is my "business" my "right" and how dare any one else tell me "their" beliefs or opinions. I personally have lost countless hours of sleep in making the decision to find that special woman to spend the rest of my life with and how my family and friends will react and feel. I feel that the only people I really need to concern myself the most with is my children.

I feel that if my 14y/o daughter has some reservations still about this, I feel I still should move on, to the point of even marriage. I was just given a suggestion to include a friend of my daughters for a trip to Florida. I responded by saying it is a great idea. But in retrospect, wouoldn;t that defeat a perfect opportunity for my daughter and my girl friend to get to know each other better. There is still time before the trip for them to get together to lessen the need during the trip. Isn't allowing a friend to go along just another way for my daughter to "control" daddy's life and if my daughter sees that, wouldn't she be more likely to find other ways to control daddy instead of trying to help her understand daddy's needs?

All of us who are in a situation of the loss of a spouse, whether thru divorce or death have a great big gap in their lives. Except for being concerned for the welfare and feelings for your yopung children, if what I do offends grown children and other adults, well, maybe they need to have a life adjustment and stop living the surviving parents/friends life. Maybe that surviving parent/spouse doesn't like the way you live your life. I believe I have done everything I can to minimize the pain of my daughter. My 10y/o son has no issues what so ever. I think it's only fair that daddy's life be healed. If daddy is happy, then life for everyone will be easier.

(This post was edited by the_admin on Apr 27, 2005, 8:13 AM)

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 2 (3038 views)

Re: [barrymichele] widowed one year waiting period for dating rule [In reply to]

Oh God, that "one year waiting period" is so bogus! How could you ever put an expiration date on greiving; it's such a personal thing. I remember, very vividly, soon after my husband died, having my brother in law say to me that my anger and depression was ok now but after one year he would find it annoying. Hogwash...people greive in all different ways and time frames. I still find that, after over 16 years, I still have feelings and thoughts of my deceased spouse (I mean, really...when you look into the eyes of your spouse's child day in and day out how can you NOT think about them?) However, my pain about the loss has diminished and the days, weeks and months between these thoughts and feelings has lessend considerably. I think you'll always remember your deceased spouse because of the children so having people giving you this "get over it crap" is baloney. Events early on such as my daughters first words or steps were painfully bittersweet as are the most recent events like her first driving lesson and my son's high school graduation some 16 years later.

My personal suggestion is not to rush into marriage. Enjoy the dating and companionship but resist the need to have someone in your life 24/7 until you're sure you're ready. If this person cares for you and the two of you continue to attend to the relationship, it will grow and flurish and survive the test of time.
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