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marrying a widower

vickiec
Novice

Post #1 of 5 (4771 views)

marrying a widower

I have been dating a man for 8 months and I am the first since his wife passed away, she passed away almost 3 years ago on Christmas Day from a heart attack, they had been married for 37 years, I have been separated for 7 and divorced for 3 years. He has told me he married her because she was pregnant "and it was the right thing to do", but I believe even though he says he didn't know if he loved her he must have because he stayed with her so long. He has told me he felt really guilty for the first few months we were together, but now he says he just feels bad because he didn't do all the right things for her when she was alive and is now trying to make them up with me. Like bringing me flowers every month, complimenting me on how I look etc. I want this to be for me because he wants to tell me not because he is trying to make it up to his wife. We talk very openly about things, we have laughed and cried together. He has anxiety attacks or what I think they are, his heart races and does flip flops as he calls them. I am trying to be understanding about his feelings about her, but I feel I am being compared to her. Example, when I cook for him, he says things like " my wife did it this way" or 'my wife used these utensils when she baked. When he talks about things to other people he always says "my wife", as if she is still here, even if I am there with him, this makes me feel uncomfortable because most would not know she is deceased. I want a relationship with him, he is a gentle and loving soul and we have beautiful times together, but sometimes I feel he hasn't dealt with all the guilt he has and I don't want this to come between us, also I don't want it to be a 3 of us in this relationship and I feel it is sometimes. Is there anything I can do to help him thru this? How do I know if he really loves me or is loving her through me? (If this makes since)

(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 31, 2007, 4:59 PM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 5 (4754 views)

Re: [vickiec] How do I help him? [In reply to]

Your question makes perfect sense as I'm sure it does seem sometimes like he is loving her through you especially as he's said he wishes he would have been more attentive to his first wife. Or the other possibility is that having learned this the first time around, he may not ever want to take for granted someone he loves, again. And for the record, it can often feel like there is the third person in your relationship, moreso when the former spouse died than when there is a divorce or separation by choice.

So what can you do to help him. The other question is what can you do for yourself. I think being honest with him about how you are feeling and your conerns is a good place to start. Also, it's fine to let him know that it makes you uncomfortable with the comments and comparisons to her as it makes you feel like he's preoccupied with her. You probably don't mind talking about it with him if he needs to as much as it coming up in conversation almost any time when you don't expect it.

Perhaps you can just let him know that you understand if he is still grieving in some way, or even feeling guilty and having unresolved feelings because everyone takes different amounts of time to get over a loss like this. However, if he needs to talk to someone professional about this or simply needs more time and space before being in another significant relationship, then you would like to know as that is fair to both of you. The flip side of not speaking to him about this now and leaving it and waiting it for it to resolve itself, can be frustration, bitterness and resentment if you stay in a relationship that you are not sure can meet your own needs.

If you're willing to work this through with him and see where things can go that's terrific. But know that you would only be cheating yourself and him of having an honest and genuine relationship, if you choose not to voice your concerns.

Best of Luck.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

vickiec
Novice

Post #3 of 5 (4742 views)

Re: [yvonne"instep"] How do I help him? [In reply to]

Thank you so much for answering me, I am so glad I found this sight, it answers most of the questions I have had.
No one knows unless you have been there how hard it can be the second time around. I did get the opportunity to say something to him over the weekend about the "my wife" comments. When he said something, I asked him if he always called her my wife. He said no but now when he talks about her this is what he says, without me having to ask he told me he would try hard not to say it and to call her by her name, which he did the rest of the time, I know that time heals all wounds and I do want to be patient. I truly believe it will be well worth the understanding in the future.

I have one more question, if it is ok. He still has her and his picture on the t.v. beside of one of us. He also has one on the mirror in the bedroom where we sleep when I stay over and a memorial picture and poem on the floor in front of the t.v. Should he be keeping these pictures out since he is in a new relationship? What is the appropriate thing to do with his family pictures. I don't want to sound selfish but it does bother me that he has their pictures beside of ours. Thank you.

(This post was edited by vickiec on Jun 18, 2007, 7:06 AM)

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #4 of 5 (4731 views)

Re: [vickiec] How do I help him? [In reply to]

Hi Vickiec,

Your concerns seem very valid. It does sound as if he's struggling with the loss of his wife and the transition into a new relationship with you. It's understandable that you'd feel as if there are 3 of you!!

I'd suggest that you be very open with him about your concerns. Let him know that when he openly compares the 2 of you, it makes you uncomfortable. Also, when he talks about her right in front of you as if she's still living, that makes you uncomfortable.

In addition to letting him know about your discomfort though, I'd ask him if there is anything you can do to help him with this transition. You want to be sensitive to what seems to be a struggle for him.

On the other hand though, I think it's important for you to decide where your boundaries are. If the two of you have talked openly and you've done what you feel you can do and he's struggling still, is that ok with you? I'm not talking about ending the relationship immediately, but you do need to know what your limits are so that you aren't waiting for him indefinitely.

I hope that helps and I wish you the very best!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #5 of 5 (4727 views)

Re: [vickiec] How do I help him? [In reply to]

My fiance felt as you do and asked me if I could keep the photos limited to one area. I agreed that I would put the photos into my kids rooms. This seemed to satisfy all of us.
I Do - Take Two Moderator