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ianb1951
New User
May 21, 2008, 11:22 PM
Post #1 of 3
(1155 views)
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Widowers remarrying old friends
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Hi there. I am 57 and my beautiful wife passed away in December last year (2007). We had been married 7 years and had known each other for 3 years before that. When we met we had both been through long but unstable marriages. We clicked from the first time we met and had so much in common. The entire time we were together, my wife and I never raised our voice at each other. That doesn’t mean we didn’t disagree, whenever we had any issues we would sit and talk it through quietly and would resolve the issue. We did many firsts together and traveled extensively. We both had (adult) children from our previous marriage (me 3 and her 1) and were able to, over time, each treat and love each other’s children as our own. Similarly they always respected us. My wife’s 25 year-old mildly autistic son lives with me now and we have a wonderful father-son relationship. In 2003 my wife was diagnosed with cancer and our world seemed to fall out from under us. We battled the disease together and were with each other 24/7. We traveled overseas together for treatment on four occasions – we seemed to be beating it - all was going well until last November when she went into liver failure and died within 3 weeks. I was totally devastated and for a month or two lost all hope and I realized that my health was beginning to deteriorate. I give you this background because I believe it is important to understand just how much we loved each other and also how the disease actually made our love for each other even deeper than it had already been.
My wife also had a very close friend who had been in a similar position to us when my wife and I first met. After a long-standing failed marriage, she had met a man and had fallen in love with him but he had now left her. She was going through a grieving process and my wife (who was a doctor) was helping her.
When my wife died, this friend was also deeply upset because she had now lost her best friend and confidante as well. I guess in a way we both began going through the grieving process together. She was unbelievably supportive to me and for the past five and a half months we have seen quite a lot of each other. We have been to movies together and also out to dinner on many occasions. In this time I have learned a lot about her and have found out that we also have many things in common. It is said that like attracts like, which explains why she and my wife were such good friends. Interestingly I hadn't realized how close they were when my wife was alive.
The reason for my posting is that over the last month the relationship with this friend has changed. We both now feel a great connection and can see each other as life partners. We have even started sharing our dreams and aspirations, which are virtually the same.
I must say at this point that I have read a number of books on the grieving process and prior to that had read many personal development books. Both my wife and I had learned a lot about being resilient and certainly the cancer helped to teach us that. So I have been very mindful about not comparing this new relationship to my old and also not desiring it to be exactly the same. I still hold a great deal of love for my wife but I know that her time on earth is ended and my belief is that I will see her again when I pass on. I still have my moments although they have been less and less as time goes by.
The situation we now find ourselves in is that we have not disclosed this change of relationship to my family, friends and business associates. We have talked about it at length and although we want to tell the world about us, we have agreed to keep it to ourselves at this point. It is probably that I am more concerned about whatever other people’s perception of the grieving process is – is it 1 year, 2 years, 3 years? . . . or that they will think badly of me or my friend and that my former relationship wasn’t as strong as it appeared. This of course is all in my head and may not be reality. If I put myself in their shoes I can empathize with them and be aware that they too would be grieving in their own way. I am in the grieving process every minute of the day and they are in it every now and then. I also don’t want to hide our relationship, as that would not be showing respect to my “new-found” love. But then this is all new to me - it isn’t something you do a course on – it is simply thrust upon you and you have to simply figure it out the best way you can.
When I met my wife my world changed around 180 degrees. When she died it changed back and now I feel it is turning back around again. I know each day I feel more and more love for this lady and I have realized that I can begin this relationship with the full love tanks and together we can form a brand new relationship together on that platform. We share the same values and have already been sensibly ironing out some little differences of opinion and aligning ourselves. That in and of itself is a great start.
So here I am just short of 6 months as a widower and in a relationship – do you have any advice that you can share with me? In particular, what you would suggest as the best way to handle the family, friends etc.
(This post was edited by the_admin on May 22, 2008, 9:40 AM)
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Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER
May 22, 2008, 11:40 AM
Post #2 of 3
(1130 views)
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Re: [ianb1951] Widowers remarrying old friends
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Hi,
My advice to you would be to take things slow. You admit yourself that you are still grieving. It was the loss of you wife that brought the 2 of you together. It is only as your lives shift and adjust in reaction to healing from that loss, that you will have a true sense as to the stability of this new relationship.
As far as your family is concerned, it's important to be honest with them in a loving way. As you said, you don't want to hide it and feel deceptive. Be conscious of their concerns when talking to them. My hope is their desire is for your happiness.
Best wishes,
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
May 23, 2008, 8:06 AM
Post #3 of 3
(1123 views)
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Re: [ianb1951] Widowers remarrying old friends
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Taking a bit more time before you solidify a permanent or long-term commitment to your new partner, will not detract, I believe, from what you have together. It will simply allow it to grow in a natural and loving way. You have found someone that you both find comfort, reassurance and security with so I would suggest continuing to nurture that while you also give yourselves a chance to move through the various stages of grief and see where that takes you.
I also believe that no matter what we do in life there will be people who approve and those who don't and that has more to do with their own "story" than with us. If you approach this by telling your family and friends that you have found comfort and love again and that you intend to be in this new relationship, then my hope also would be that they would accept this and understand. But it may be difficult for them and it may not be the timeframe that they would choose, so understand where they are coming from, just don't let it determine your course of action. No one is right or wrong here - it's about feelings and being in a particular situation and doing what you think is best for you.
I sincerely wish the best for both of you.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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