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Widower won't commit to marriage

vickiec
Novice

Post #1 of 4 (3304 views)

Widower won't commit to marriage

I have been dating this man for 9 months and it is wonderful. We have become intimate and he had given me an open invitation to stay with him from Friday night until Sunday. I usually go home late Sunday evening. I live about 15 miles from him and work about 11 miles from him, so I could go to work from his house. I have written before and we have been able to work through alot (re:what can I do to help him) His wife passed 2 1/2 years ago. I want to move to the next level, we have discussed marriage but he says he is not ready for a 24/7 relationship. He is working on his house so at first I didn't mind going over there to help him, but now I am beginning to feel like a part time wife. I know I let this happen I thought we were moving toward a permanent relationship. Is he making excuses, could he really not be ready? He says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and he doesn't want to lose me but I don't want to be part time either. I was in a relationship for 5 years with someone else and he kept telling me to be patient, I finally got the nerve up to break it off. I don't want to wait forever and I do love him deeply. He is taking me on a cruise in October which is our anniversary month (1year) Do you think after a year someone should know how they feel and if they want to move to the next level. I even suggested us living together first to see how it would work but he doesn't want that either. Am I wanting too much too soon?

(This post was edited by the_admin on Jul 24, 2007, 4:36 PM)

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #2 of 4 (3293 views)

Re: [vickiec] Widower won't commit to marriage [In reply to]

Hi Vickie,

I have a couple of comments that I want you to think about:

1. What EXACTLY does "going to the next level" mean for you? What do you think that will change about your relationship?

2. How much do you think that relationship you were in 5 years ago is playing in to your desire to "go to the next level"?

My guess is the answer to the first question is "security". And I think it would be only natural that the answer to question #2 would be "yes".

9 months is not very long to be discussing moving in together or marriage. My guess is that you are afraid of a repeat of the previous relationship and want some sense that this one is, in fact, going somewhere.

Be careful not to let those mistakes your previous boyfriend made, ruin this new relationship for you. Try to relax and enjoy the relationship you are in for what it is NOW. Don't be so focused on where it MIGHT go.

If you're not happy feeling like a "part time wife" then take some time to think about ways you can make some changes in the amount or way the time is spent together so you don't feel that way.

I wish you the very best in this new relationship.
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book

vickiec
Novice

Post #3 of 4 (3288 views)

Re: [vickiec] Widower won't commit to marriage [In reply to]

Thank you for your answer, you hit the nail on the head. I haven't been in that many relationships, I married when I was 17 and was married for 29 years until my divorce. I loved being married(even though we parted) and I guess I want that security again and I feel that I would have it with this man. I don't doubt he loves me. The relationship I was in for 5 years I knew wasn't right after a while but it was better than being alone. I was willing to settle and I am so glad I didn't, I am happier now than I have been in a very long time. I don't want to mess this up and I feel like I might. How do I loosen up and just enjoy being with someone who I love and loves me back without pressuring him?

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #4 of 4 (3285 views)

Re: [vickiec] Widower won't commit to marriage [In reply to]

Although we appreciate your position, and have offered some assistance, your question isn't really related to planning a wedding. We cannot offer free counseling services. Please feel free to contact either of the responders to your post. Each of them, I believe, offers telephone consultation.

Good luck with your new relationship.
I Do - Take Two Moderator