dating-a-widower
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Widower holding on to family traditions
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I have been dating a widower for over 3 years, since just a few months after his wife died of cancer. He claimed he had done all of his grieving before she died, but that wasn't true at all. Our relationship has made almost no progress. For example, he is extremely uncomfortable sleeping anywhere except in his own bed which he shared with his wife, so needless to say, we have not progressed in that department.
But this message is about holiday traditions. On holidays, he and his family (there are 2 adult/unmarried children and one still in college) have always gone to another family's house for meals... so the other family would make enough food for 5 extra people, but he and his wife never reciprocated. Anyway, I had been wondering why he hasn't wanted to make any special holiday plans with me. Tonight he told me that until his kids are all married and have children of their own, he will continue to spend holidays with them at this other family's house (i.e. the tradition that he and his wife had). I'm feeling like he's not interested in creating any new traditions with me or in modifying the routine that he and his kids have always had. This is very foreign to me because I have always had small holiday gatherings with just my own immediate family in a quiet, relaxing way. I don't like all of the noise and commotion and superficial talk that comes with visiting people I hardly know on holidays. I think that he is still holding on to the traditions that he and his wife had, and he is not willing to try to create new patterns or celebrations with me. As a result I have been spending most holidays alone. I mean, they invite me to "their" holiday with the other family that they're friendly with, but he has made no effort to try to accommodate any of my needs or preferences about holidays. This is causing a lot of anxiety for me. I dont' know if there is any way to bridge the gap and I would like to hear how other couples (especially where there is a widower with older children involved) have dealt with holidays.
I have been divorced about 9 years and I have 2 children - one in college and one still in high school. They spend a lot of holiday time with their father, so I am left without a clear plan for what to do on most holidays.
With Easter weekend here, I'm feeling more lonely than ever. My widower friend is very nice, but he's obviously not interested in trying to create anything new with me. Am I being too rigid myself? I would really like to have a quiet holiday with just the people who are closest to me .... not a huge mob scene with 30 strangers.
This might not seem like a big problem, but for some reason it is causing a lot of sadness and anxiety for me.
Thanks so much for any advice anyone can provide.
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