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speech529
New User
Post #1 of 4
(694 views)
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Widowed dad marrying my brother's mother-in-law
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I have not heard of this one yet, but it is happening in my family. My mom died 4 1/2 years ago. My parents had a wonderful marriage--they were soul mates and in love. My dad was devastated. I helped him nurse my mom while she died.
He is 76 years old right now. He moved near my brother five months after my mom died. Sold the house and up and moved against the advice of all to wait a year. He was very lonely, so one can imagine how difficult it must have been for him. Anyway, he started going out with my brother's mother-in-law about a year ago or so. My mom and she did not have a close relationship, nor did my mom and my brother's wife. When we lived near my brother, my husband and I tried to be close to my brother and his family, inviting them over etc, but they never reciprocated.
My father is a quiet man who does not seek out social interaction--ever. The only reason he went around with this woman is that she was there and she pursued him. He never dated anyone, nor did he join any groups or do volunteer work, etc after my mom's death. He told me that he was not interested in a relationship.
My sister and I are very upset about this pending marriage. We have told my dad about our feelings. This is complicated due to the difficulty family history between my late mom and this woman's daughter. My brother thinks this is a fantastic deal.
What I see in the future is one without my dad. As it is, he lives several states away from me and my sister is also far. My sister and I think this relationship is weird. Our spouses and adult children think so, too.
Has anyone else faced this or heard of it? I want my dad to be happy, I don't care if he has a companion, but why complicate life with marriage like this at 76 years old??
Help!
(This post was edited by speech529 on Apr 28, 2009, 2:40 AM)
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Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER
Post #2 of 4
(681 views)
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Re: [speech529] Widowed dad marrying my brother's mother-in-law
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Hi and thanks for posting,
What seems to be your biggest concern is not the marriage itself but the potential impact it could have on your relationship with your father.
Is who he's marrying weird? I've heard weirder. The fact of the matter is the lady was present and made being in a relationship easy.
It sounds as if there's a lot of family history with this lady and her daughter that makes things awkward. The point to focus on is that you want to maintain a relationship with your father.
I'd encourage you to be very up front with your dad about how important that is to you. If it truly is important, then you'll be willing to push through awkwardness to still call and visit him when you can due to the distance. Calls should be easier since you don't have to have extended contact with his new wife, you can just talk to your dad.
We can only guess as to his motives for wanting to marry again at 76. More importantly though, is the fact that he's made this decision. Trying to talk him out of it of it will only cause a rift and not allow for easy contact with your dad.
Talking to him about his decision and letting him know that his happiness is your greatest concern is appropriate, however. Ultimately though, he's the one that will be in the marriage - happy or not - and he's the one who's making this decision. I know that may be hard to stomach, but again I redirect you to focus on your goal - continued contact with your father.
I wish you the very best!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book
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speech529
New User
Post #3 of 4
(672 views)
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Re: [Partner4Success] Widowed dad marrying my brother's mother-in-law
[In reply to]
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Hi Thanks for your post.
Yes, almost a year ago I discussed with him how much a relationship with him means to me. He and I have always been very close and open with each other but it was my mother who was the communicator. He is not much of an initiator when it comes to communication, but he now calls me more often because I have told him how important it is for me to hear from him.
Marriage is a legally binding contract. How will a divorce or break up affect my brother's family? They are the grandparents to my brother's children. I think that is odd and risky for all involved.
Maybe it's no big deal and all will work out well in the end. I hope so!!
(This post was edited by the_admin on May 3, 2009, 1:02 PM)
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Post #4 of 4
(666 views)
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Re: [speech529] Widowed dad marrying my brother's mother-in-law
[In reply to]
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I won't add much as Alyssa has covered most everything. I will say that perhaps your Dad wants to get married because in his generation, that was the norm and the only way to legitimize a relationship of this nature so he may be doing this because it seems to be the "right" thing to do. People's feelings and opinions about these things are fairly steadfast.
It is normal for this kind of situation to be uncomfortable and challenging for all involved, including your Dad and his new partner. I would suggest strongly that you pick up a copy of Step Wars - making peace in Adult Stepfamilies by Grace Gabe and Jean Limpman-Blumen. This in my opinioin is the best book out there on the subject; it will help you understand your own position more as well as the position of others. And it may help you begin to figure out how to deal with some very sensitive subjects in relation to this situation, such as money/inheritance, etc. which no one usually even wants to admit is on their mind.
Bottomline, make your relationship with your Dad the priority and maintaining that. Give him the unconditional acceptance you probably needed from your parents when making decisions that they may not have been fully in sync with.
Gook Luck!!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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