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Widow with questions about dating.

ltprn
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Post #1 of 2 (2043 views)

Widow with questions about dating.

I lost my husband 10 weeks ago after 28 years of marriage. I am 45 years old and he was 59 years old when he died. We had one son who is now 26 years old and he is still at home.

I have started dating a man I have known for over 10 years who is my age and I have never felt so good about myself as a woman in my whole life. This man makes me feel special and attractive. This man was also a good friend of my spouse, so he is struggling at times with our relationship, but has been very caring and compassionate, and he wants to take things slow and easy, and he respects me greatly.

I started grieving for my spouse over 2 years ago when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. With our age difference we had grown apart and although I loved him I was not "in love" with him. I was faithful to him and remained with him until he died, as I felt obligated to do so.

My problem now is that my son is having a hard time dealing with me dating someone else and gives me grief over it. He doesn't understand the relationship I had with his father and the way I feel about the man I am seeing now.

All my friends and the rest of my family are very supportive of me and want me to be happy.

I know my son must come first, but how do I make him understand the fact that I need this new relationship in my life and that it makes me happy?

How can I help him to be more supportive of me?

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #2 of 2 (2033 views)

Re: [ltprn] Widow with questions about dating. [In reply to]

Hello,

If I had to guess, I would say your son's biggest concern with your dating so soon, is concern over whether you really cared about his father. You need to understand that while you may have been grieving for your husband while he was sick and dying for the past 2 years, I bet your son didn't.

He's probably grieving for his dad right now and it seems incomprehensible to him (based on where he's at in his grief) that you would be ready to be dating someone new.

Give your son time to grieve over the loss of his father. He doesn't have to support your new relationship right now. I would suggest that you talk openly with him about where you are in your grief and how you were able to get there. Reassure him that you did care about his father. Let him know that your intent is not to dishonor his father's memory by dating so soon. (This is probably a concern for him)

I would suggest trying to maintain fairly frequent contact with your son right now. Don't pull away just because he doesn't like your new relationship. I would not advise talking to him a lot about this new man in your life, or having him around your son right now. Instead, spend time together talking about what your family was like and what the loss of your husband/his father has meant to the two of you.

The sooner your son can move through his grief, the more accepting he may be of your new relationship. But, don't rush him. Let him move at his own speed. Just be a support for him during this process.

I hope that helps! Best wishes!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
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