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Second marriage to widow

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Post #1 of 2 (1915 views)

Second marriage to widow

Good day, this is my first visit to this site. I have had a concern that comes and goes. I have dated a man who lost his spouse 13 years ago. He has his burial plot next to hers with a combined headstone. It seems that this is bothersome to me. He has grown children ages 34, 30, and 29.

Just resently I was preparing his home as I am to move in with him soon and we have decided we would marry this winter. In preparing the home for me and my 16 year old son, pictures of the deceased spouse have been put away in a photo album as I was not comfortable in having them displayed. We have come to the understanding that we would store them in the album, however, he did state that he was concerned that his children would not understand the necessity to put these away. Do you think it is wrong of me to have these feelings?

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 2 (1894 views)

Re: [second to one] Second marriage to widow [In reply to]

First of all, your feelings are never wrong, they are quite simply your feelings and you can't prevent yourself from having them. It's understandable that you may feel this way;reminders of the former spouse often make the new spouse experience a wide range of emotions from insecure (feeling second best) to angry and everything in between. What you do with the feelings and how you handle the situation with your spouse is what counts here. Try to place the emphasis on your relationship and not focus on the fact that he had a life before with someone else. As you focus on the relationship and nurturing that it will grow stronger and you won't feel as bothered by the fact that he did have a life prior to you.

As for the pictures, it has been my experience, that despite the age of the children(stepchildren) involved, it is usually not wise to try to erase or remove all memories of their biological mother. This was a life that they shared and memories are important, and only pose as much of a threat to you as you allow them to. Your goal now is to make a new life with your partner and his children, and to create a loving home for your son to live in. Achieving harmony in your home and in your relationship, will have more to do with the respect and commitment you both have to nurturing relationships with each other's children, than finding ways to keep the past and present separate. Keeping at least some of the pictures of your stepchildren's mother in plain view, will reassure them that you are not going to try to "change everything" or erase her memory and will go a long way to getting you all off on the right foot together. You do need to make this place a home that reflects both of your personalities and styles, so I would focus more on redecorating to suit your tastes, and leaving some of the pictures in place. Each time you look at one, don't think of it as a reminder that you are the "second wife", think about how this gesture on your part demonstrates to your new family that you care about them and want them to remember their mother just as they should. It sometimes helps to put ourselves or our children in the stepchildren's shoes. If you were not around, I'm sure you would not want to deprive your son of memories of you, so try to think about it from that point of view.

Best of luck as you build your new family together. I was once where you are at now and it isn't easy, but certainly well worth the effort.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca