Ask the Experts

Home: Second Weddings: Widows / Widowers & Remarriage:
Remarriage to Widower With Teenage Boys Living at Home

frosted
Novice

Post #1 of 8 (449 views)

Remarriage to Widower With Teenage Boys Living at Home

I met a wonderful man 8 months ago. It was 2 years since his wife died and 1 year since my husband died. We are head-over-heels in love and we want to get married. My kids have been really nasty about this until recently. I would love the advice of someone regarding when we should marry and in what manner. Should he talk to my boys first? Should we wait until my kids are out of the house? I don't know about that since my sons are in high school and college and they intend to stay in our city. It's really concerning me and he is so patient about my kids. His son has no problem with me at all , yet he is 26 and married so more mature. Any suggestions?

(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 2, 2009, 11:03 AM)

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #2 of 8 (428 views)

Re: [frosted] Remarriage to Widower With Teenage Boys Living at Home [In reply to]

Hi and thanks for writing. I think there are several reasons why your boys may be less than enthusiastic about this situation.

1. Their father died only a year ago. I'm glad that you have found someone else, but a year may be a little soon for them to see you with someone else and be accepting of a step father.

2. You've only been together 8 months. That's not a lot of time. It's long enough to fall in love, but not long enough to make sure you're compatible for marriage. Your boys may be scared about all of the change that a new marriage may bring into their lives.

3. Your sons are only in high school. That tends to be a pretty self centered age. Teens are constantly worrying about how something will affect them.

I'm glad your partner is patient with them. That's important. What you need to understand though, is that you are not just considering marrying this man. You are considering combining families.

Since the two of you know you want to marry, now is the time to really begin focusing on the family aspect. This means you need to talk to your sons to find out why they are so against this. Respond to what they say and need. I would also encourage more time for your new partner and boys to get to know each other.

As far as waiting until the boys are grown, time will only answer that. I would NOT have your partner talk to your boys first!!! They boys don't have a solid relationship with him. It's not like you're asking their permission. That will be an adult decision between you and your partner.

I hope that helps and wish you the best!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book

frosted
Novice

Post #3 of 8 (418 views)

Re: [Partner4Success] Remarriage to Widower With Teenage Boys Living at Home [In reply to]

Thank you so much for the quick response. My husband has been gone a lot longer than a year. But regardless the boys have had a real tough time and yes, it has quite a bit to do with their age.I am going to definitely take your advise. Thank you!

frosted
Novice

Post #4 of 8 (417 views)

Re: [Partner4Success] Remarriage to Widower With Teenage Boys Living at Home [In reply to]

Does anyone know of any books out pertaining to this subject?

(This post was edited by frosted on Oct 2, 2009, 6:01 PM)

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #5 of 8 (414 views)

Re: [frosted] Remarriage to Widower With Teenage Boys Living at Home [In reply to]

Please post your question as a new post. Refrain from over use of punctuation please. Thank you.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 2, 2009, 6:19 PM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #6 of 8 (390 views)

Re: [frosted] Remarriage to Widower With Teenage Boys Living at Home [In reply to]

I agree with the advice already given. I would just add that giving more time to get to know a potential life partner, before moving ahead and blending your families, is always the best and safest position. You will learn a lot about each other as I'm sure you already have, as you make your way through this next few months and as you work your way through some of the resistance of your own children in all of this.

I would suggest that adult and older children are not eager to have anyone replace their other biological parent. Your sons need your reassurance over time that this is not what is going to happen. They are possibly anxious because on top of the obvious changes this new relationship for you brings into their lives, they may wonder what this means about the memory of their dad and the role he played in your life. No matter how long is in between the passing of your partner and you finding someone new, it can call up questions and anxieties for them about what your relationship with your father meant to you. You can talk with them and reassure them about that and also let them know that no one is expecting them to feel excited about this - that they will be given time to adjust and accept the new reality.

Also, most kids are not prepared for this when it happens, and if this is the first person that you dated since your partner passed, then they may have been in shock that it was happening at all. We encourage parents to give their kids a heads up when they're ready to go out and date casually again, and that you intend to eventually find another life partner to spend your life with. A lot of times parents don't tell the children anything until they're in a relationship, which can contribute to the resistance that you get when this happens. I would talk with them and let them know your intentions. If you hadn't done this before, apologize for not having done so, and explain that you intend to have another partner in your life. You can reassure them that this in no way takes away from the life you had with their father. You can also ask them for their feelings and thoughts on this without promising that you will follow their lead re: timeframes, otherwise most people would never remarry.

Also, a word of advice for your new partner. Kids at this age usually do not want to have a new father and will be more open to a relatioship over time if it is taken slow, not forced and if both of you allow the kids to take their time to make themselves open to this new relationship/friendship with him. Remember, the two of you fell in love - the boys didn't; theyr'e on a completely different emotional timetable.

A great book for couples embarking on a blended family with older or adult children is Step Wars - by Grace Gabe and Jean Lipman-Blumen.

Best of luck,
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 5, 2009, 7:46 AM)

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #7 of 8 (379 views)

Re: [frosted] Remarriage to Widower With Teenage Boys Living at Home [In reply to]

Lots of terrific advice.

As a widow myself, I'd like to chime in with some personal opinion/experience.

Kids, even adult "kids", wonder what will happen to the mother/child relationship once you begin dating or even decide to remarry. They have already suffered a huge change in their family lifestyle with the death of their father, attending college and all the other many life changes experiences a typical teen faces. Most kids, even at the college age, are self-absorbed. Be sure to stay in tune with them and spend as much time with them as they will allow. Keep in touch by whatever means is comfortable; email, letters ( Frown

does anyone write these anymore?), instant messenger or telephone. Schedule lunch or dinner dates with them and spend time with the kids without the new man.

Finally, don't allow the kids to dictate your future. After all, they will soon be off having their own life. Sad as that may seem, it would be nice for them to know that their mom has company. It may help (in the future) them be able to separate and go on with their lives if they don't seel compelled to take care of mom. I used to joke with my kids, saying something like, "Hey, if I don't find a mate I can always live with YOU forever!" Cool

Of course, their father had been gone for years at that point.

Trust your heart, but don't get carried away. Sometimes the thought of being alone, without a mate, can encourage us to get into relationships that aren't right or that we're not ready to have.

I'm sure you'll figure out what's best for all of you.

Take care,
I Do - Take Two Moderator

frosted
Novice

Post #8 of 8 (373 views)

Re: [the_admin] Remarriage to Widower With Teenage Boys Living at Home [In reply to]

I want to thank you all for your responses. I've learned so much from you. I want you to know, from being in the 5 year cancer battle that we were in with my husband, that "life is not a dress rehearsal" and "live for today" and other quotes that make you know that our time is short and embrace you life with whatever makes you happy.. of course keeping your existing family in mind as they do come first. I said this because it comes from my heart. Having spent endless weekend nights alone, shedding many tears, making a dinner for the kids only to find out that they are out with THEIR friends and not eating with me, looking at reminders of the life I had before my husband died and realizing I need to make a life for myself because no one else will make it for me. I went to Christmas parties, 50 wedding anniversary parties, etc. Lunches with friends and other events and never wanted to meet another man in fear of maybe they may die too. I definitely was not looking. I met people, but never interested enough to go out with them or go out again with them. I knew I would not settle and all of a sudden I met a man , a gentleman who was a Godsend. My friends/neighbors knew him and so did some other friends who also knew him and his wife of 30 years. We have major chemistry, a lot in common , and also share the experience of together being married for over 50 years to know about compromise and talking things through and what relationships are all about. We are spending time getting to know each other and trying to take baby steps toward remarriage. I am going to get the book recommended about blending families. I have high values. I don't want him to move in and will not sleep over or move in with him. I hold marriage as a commitment and will not rush in to it and I do talk about my husband with my sons as we laugh about funny moments we all shared when he was alive. I still talk to them about how much I Ioved their dad and I still take care of their grandparents who don't drive . My husband was an only child so we still help out the in-laws with groceries, etc. I enjoy doing this for them. I have not let go of that responsibility and hopefully the boys will treat me like that when I get old. My boys see what kind of mother I am. I actually need to start letting go with them more and I feel that they are jealous because I am not always there to iron a shirt or make a sandwich. I spend quality time with them alone and will continue that. You all are giving incredible advise and its such a good thing I found this website. I will keep this post and it's replies and I so much appreciate all the input and help it has given us in taking the steps to make it work.

(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 5, 2009, 9:42 AM)