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Normal for Remarrying Widow to Have Some Guilt?

mid40sgirl
New User

Post #1 of 4 (2371 views)

Normal for Remarrying Widow to Have Some Guilt?

I am a mid-40s woman whose beloved husband of 14 years died three years and two months ago of a longstanding illness. I loved him very much, and we went through so much together -- lots of pain and fear, lots of joy and grace. I am now engaged to a wonderful man -- someone who knew my husband even before I did (their families were friends). We are planning our wedding. I am so happy and excited. My husband's family, with whom I remain close, is supportive. However, I'm feeling some pain and renewed grief (along with the great happiness). Is this normal? My fiance embraces my late husband's important place in my heart and in my life. I believe, as I've read, that grief never really "goes away," it just changes over time. How can I achieve a balance between continuing to honor and respect my late husband's memory and spirit and deep influence on my heart, while assuring my fabulous groom-to-be that I am focused on him and on our commitment? Are these mixed feelings, and some guilt, common for widows and widowers who remarry? Also, do you know of any good books or resources for the man or woman is marrying a widow or widower? Thanks so much for insight.

Mid40sgirl Blush

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 4 (2367 views)

Re: [mid40sgirl] Normal for Remarrying Widow to Have Some Guilt? [In reply to]

As an engaged widowed woman myself all I can say is something that may sound cliche but that I find very true - time heals... I don't really agree with the grief never going away. It does get better and with each passing year the times of sadness are usually replaced by fond memories. The time you feel sad should be less and less. Don't feel guilty about that. You're not forgetting about your deceased loved one. It is a natural human defense mechanism that helps us all move on.

It sounds as though your man is sensitive and understanding and, since both of you knew and cared for your former husband, you'll probably both need some grief and couples counseling. I'd encourage you to pursue some therapy as individuals and as a couple.

Visit our page on widows and widowers and our book page to find some good reading.

Congratulations for having the courage to move on. Many blessings.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

(This post was edited by the_admin on May 18, 2008, 3:38 PM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #3 of 4 (2355 views)

Re: [mid40sgirl] Normal for Remarrying Widow to Have Some Guilt? [In reply to]

I agree completely. For widows and widowers there can be guilt that you're moving on and past the first relationship and guilt that you aren't giving your current relationship your full attention. I would encourage you just to feel whatever you are feeling and this will allow the feelings to pass through you and in time, the loss and sadness will evolve into fond memories. Feeling guilty about having feelings only exacerbates and can prolong the sadness more because you are not allowing yourself to experience what is normal. You love your new partner, focus on that and enjoy everything about him and about your relationship and when the other feelings comes allow them and don't question them. In time I believe these will be less cause for concern. The other aspect of this, which is wonderful, is that your husband and your first husband's family are all supportive so this is an environment where you are allowed to experience your love for both of your partners, without judgment. So of course, as you embark on this new exciting time of your life, it will trigger memories of what you had before. I believe if you stop fighting those feelings and accept that what you're going through is normal, then you will be able to get on with enjoying your new life more and more as time goes on.

Congratulations on finding this new life which, I'm sure, you're first husband would be very happy about.

Best of Luck!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

(This post was edited by the_admin on May 19, 2008, 10:03 AM)

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #4 of 4 (2350 views)

Re: [mid40sgirl] Normal for Remarrying Widow to Have Some Guilt? [In reply to]

I'm glad that your fiance is open to you sharing your fears and feelings. That's going to be very important as things progress. The fact that he knew your first husband is a big help, I'm sure. You both can share memories of him.

I think your feelings are extremely normal for someone in your position. A large chunk of your life was spent with your first husband. It's not like we can just turn those memories off. It's important to be honest with your fiance about these fears but make sure he understands they aren't fears about him so that he doesn't try to take it personal.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure of any good books.
Best wishes,
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book

(This post was edited by the_admin on May 19, 2008, 5:06 PM)