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Marrying a widower?

tigerlily2005
New User

Post #1 of 4 (3175 views)

Marrying a widower?

It has been almost two months since my last post. My relationship with Mr.Widower seems to be getting quite interesting. At times of disagreement, he retreats into a cave and i am totally shut out. There is no way of getting him to open up. It appears that this was the same form of "conflict resolution" he used with his now deceased wife and to be quite honest, it is very frustrating to me. He will not speak about what is on his mind, so much so that i am sometimes totally unaware that he is even upset over something. I am not sure if he is having second thoughts about our relationship because he just wont talk.I am thinking of seeking counselling on my own since i dont have the heart to abandon this man who needs me.I just wish he would talk abit less about his time spent with them and more about our relationship, the problems we encounter and if at all we should continue to see each other.

(This post was edited by the_admin on Jan 27, 2006, 7:54 AM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 4 (3159 views)

Re: [tigerlily2005] Marrying a widower? [In reply to]

From what you wrote in about last time, it seems to me that he has been a widower for less than two years now. It sounds like he is very possibly still in a heavy stage of grief right now. Has he been to counselling or group support for his loss? If not, could you ask him if he thinks this could be an option for him. It's not unusual for someone to still be in this state, after losing his wife and child. And it's probably necessary for him to talk about it, unfortunately it's not easy for you or even appropriate for you to be the person for him to talk about this with on a continual basis. If you were simply a friend that would be different, but you've both articulated an interest in something more and that relationship cannot develop in any kind of healthy way as long as the main discussion points in your relationship belong to his past.

That is why I wondered if he may want to consider counselling or group support - many people find this extremely helpful and it provides an appropriate and often life-saving outlet for individuals to share their memories, fears, and emotions about what happened. It may be worth discussing if you haven't already. Or perhaps he has another close friend or relative who you could talk to about this who might be able to broach the subject with him if you think it would be unwise for you to do so.

As for your relationship, you should let him know how you feel when he retreats and doesn't tell you why, or when he retreats following a conflict. Let him know that it leaves you feeling confused, frustrated, hurt and uncertain about your relationship. It also doesn't allow for any resolution to occur. His retreating may in fact have nothing to do with you and he may be so wrapped up in his own pain that he doesn't even recognize how this might be affecting you. But you deserve to know. This may simply be how he handles conflict or pain, but you need to know that and also be given some form of explanation as to what it's about each time, otherwise you continue to suffer as well. You need to be honest with him and hopefully he can be the same with you.

As for the relationship, perhaps your discussions with him about the above will give you some more insight into this man and whether you have the basis on which to continue a relationship. If you feel you need individual support around these issues, by all means seek it out. You deserve support for yourself and are probably somewhat drained at this point from being the one that is always supporting someone else. Take care of yourself and this too will better equip you for any relationship you are in. Best of Luck!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

tigerlily2005
New User

Post #3 of 4 (3142 views)

2steps forward,1 step back [In reply to]

I am learning that while men need to retreat to their caves for down time to reflect and recharge, it is equally important for them to understand that we, the women hey leave outside of the caves, need some reassurance that they will be back. After my boyfriend/widower did this retreating several times i decided to let him know what i expected and needed from him. Suprisingly, it worked!i simply needed to hear that he would return soon and things between us were fine. While he went into his cave, i occupied myself with the things i love like shopping for new books and reading.i now realise that there are parts of this grieving process that he needs to handle and wants to handle by himself and that in essence gives me an opportunity to recharge as well because it is true, it takes alot to be a support system. My bf/w has sought quite abit of counselling and i feel it is time that i seek some myself. i truly belive that this task of being a 2nd wife/gf is not one for the faint at heart:) he moves in waves, like myself sometimes and thats ok with me, i have recognised that it is a cycle and understanding and acknowledging this has helped greatly.

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #4 of 4 (3130 views)

Re: [tigerlily2005] 2steps forward,1 step back [In reply to]

Telling someone what you need and how you feel instead of criticising them for their actions is the key, and you handled this beautifully. You let him know what you needed and in turn he gave this to you and now you are able to take the next wonderful step which is to use this time that used to be unbearable for you, to do something for yourself that you enjoy. And as we've both said now, taking care of yourself is absolutely important particularely in a role where you are always giving. You are wise to seek support in whatever form that takes and to continue to be honest with your partner so that your relationship can unfold the way it is meant to. Congratulations on really handling this so well on so many levels and for recognizing the situation for what it is and then working through it in a way that you both get some of what you need.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca