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Marriage to a widower

Fiona
New User

Post #1 of 3 (3247 views)

Marriage to a widower

I was married for 20 years and 15 years after divorcing, remarried a widower. At first things went pretty well,
the kids were all grown, etc. But as time went on, he sometimes seemed to resent me because he still misses his first wife. We've been married 7 years, but recently introduced me by his first wifes name! He treats me more like a roommate than a wife. I am terribly hurt and disappointed as I was hoping for a happy marriage the second time around. Evidently his first marriage was much better than mine. I am very depressed and don't know what to do. He won't go to counseling, etc.

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 3 (3234 views)

Re: [Fiona] Marriage to a widower [In reply to]

You had obviousely been on your own for sometime when the two of you married, but I'm curious how long it had been between his first wife's passing and his remarriage to you. Perhaps the early warning signs were there that he wasn't finished grieving the loss of his first wife and marriage but neither of you saw it or acknowledged it. No one wants to look for the potential problems when you've found someone and are contemplating marriage, so this would not be unusual.

Regardless, you are left with a disappointing situation on your hands. From what you told me, it's still difficult to determine or assess whether he's still in a state of grieving or not, or whether he believes his first marriage to have been better than his current one. We have no idea what his first marriage was like because we weren't there. Perhaps this is simply him, in a marriage, and the absence of an intimate connection is not because of the first marriage, but something that the two of you can and need to work on in your own relationship. I know you're anxious to do that and that he doesn't seem interested in counselling but perhaps that's because he doesn't see a problem with the way things are - perhaps he's actually content with the way things are, which is an entirely different challenge.

My best advice is for you to not presume that you know what is going on for him or to tell him what you think is going on for him. This will probably not work for him and he may get defensive. However, you should definitely be clear with him that what you want and need in the relationship is a more close connection, whatever it is that you feel is missing. If you put your focus on the relationship and what you can both do to make it as good as it can be, instead of implying that he has a problem (ie) still grieving, he may be more inclined to go to counselling because you are sharing the ownership of the situation that you are wanting to address. No one wants to go to counselling when they think the other person's agenda is to try and fix them. Make this about your relationship and if in the course of counselling, it becomes clear that he is still grieving, then the two of you can decide what to do with that then.

You can assert your needs and your love for him at the same time and also let him know that you don't want to go on like this when there may be some help available for the two of you to make things better. Your focus in on the relationship and if you are quite certain that you don't want to live the way you are living now, then you can make talking to a relationship counsellor a prerequisite for you staying in the marriage. There is absolutely no shame in getting help for these issues, although many people still attach a stigma to it and perhaps your partner is one of these people.

Bottomline, if staying in this relationship is causing you to be unhappy and depressed, and you don't see any changes on the horizon, you need to put your own health, happiness and needs front and centre and make decisions based on that. You are simply taking care of yourself by asking for what you need - something everyone has a right to do. If your partner isn't ready for counselling right now and you're not ready to give up just yet, perhaps you could see someone on your own to help address the depression and give you some coping strategies and support in the meantime.

Best of luck as you make some important decisions for yourself.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

(This post was edited by yvonne"instep" on Dec 7, 2006, 8:36 AM)

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #3 of 3 (3231 views)

Re: [Fiona] Marriage to a widower [In reply to]

It seems clear that this situation is causing you a lot of pain. It appears to me that your husband has not thoroughly grieved the loss of his first wife. I wonder if anything recently has happened to cause him to think about his first marriage and that loss again?

While I think it's very important to tell him how much these things have hurt you, it's equally important for you to support him during this time of grief. I understand that you've been married for 7 years and that his wife has been dead a long time. It makes sense that you would be hurt and even angry that he�s STILL struggling w/this.

Remember to hold on to the fact that you are the person he chose to be with right now. If he doesn't feel like he can talk to you about some of the sadness over his loss, this puts a further wedge between the two of you. You really need not be threatened by his first wife. She's dead. There�s not a risk of her coming back. The risk lies in not allowing him to grieve properly and her memory continuing to haunt your marriage.

Finally, be careful not to assume his first marriage was better because this is happening. That may not necessarily be the case. Grief causes us to react in different ways. It may just be that he�s not able to give 100% of himself to you since a part of him is still connected to her due to not grieving properly.

Again, your best option is to not take it personal and try to support him in dealing w/these feelings. One of the greatest gifts you can give him this holiday season may be permission to talk openly with you about what it was like to lose his wife and how it feels now. Again, I implore you NOT to take this personal! It�s not about you; it�s about lost hopes and dreams he had w/his first wife. Once he can lay those to rest, he can focus completely on the new hopes and dreams the two of you have together.
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
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