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Living together before Marriage

rideabike
New User

Post #1 of 2 (4953 views)

Living together before Marriage

I am 38 and recently widowed. My wife was in an horrific accident which left her in a coma and vegetative state for two months before I had to make the most horrible decision in my life to take her off life support. Although I actually felt like I lost my wife the day of the accident, I grieved every single second for each day she was at the hospital and eventually at hospice. I know I will never forget this as long as I live.

My wife and I were together for 16 years. We called each other our "soul mates." We would wonder if other married couples had as good a relationship as we did. Everything was perfect and she cherished our two children, 9 and 10, boy and girl.

I went through all the stages of grief and still have moments when I get choked up about everything. But, she always told me that if anything ever happened to her she knew I would find someone and that is what she wanted for me. (By the way, she always told me that she would never remarry because she didn't need a third child - great sense of humor)

It was only a few weeks after she passed that I just decided to see what the world of dating was for men like me. So, I put my name and profile on a dating site - just thought I would order up the most perfect person I could imagine. (I did it without any intention of finding anyone). To my surprise, I started communicating with a woman, who seemed very nice, after I deleted all the mail from those individuals who could not spell, write or communicate a thought.

Well, emails eventually brought us to dating. Dating eventually brought intimacy. Intimacy eventually brought us to discussions about merging households due to the distances between us. We have been together for 4 � months and things are wonderful. She has two children and everyone gets along well. I truly believe my feelings for her are sincere and not "replacement" - I told her that I have no apprehension about living together whatsoever. Although, I am sure this will raise serious brows in the neighborhood where I live and with my friends and family. (My kids, friends and family think she is great). My questions, after this long-winded opening are: 1)whether moving in together is too soon - Am I missing something about the way I am feeling?; Should I care about what friends and family think when I am so happy with the relationship?; If I think I'm ready for this, am I?

I find all of this so odd because I seem concerned about others and this conflicts with my feelings.

(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 9, 2006, 11:11 PM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 2 (4908 views)

Re: [rideabike] Living together before Marriage [In reply to]

The question as to whether you are moving in too soon is quite separate from the question as to are you missing something about the way you are feeling. At this romantic stage of the relationship, it would be difficult to discern if anything was missing in regards to your feelings. For anyone in love, the inclination is to move forward, so you are probably responding quite naturally to the feelings you are experiencing. The real question is, are you ready for the challenges that lie ahead with the blending of your two families?

I think it's fine to take the opinions and concerns of friends and family into consideration as they are probably motivated out of love and concern for you and your kids, and it is respectful to consider what they have to offer. However, this is quite different from allowing them to influence or determine what your decisions will be. Ultimately the two of you will be the ones to decide if you are ready to take this relationship to the next level, and also what is best for you and your children.

Your love for each other may be real, and I don't doubt but that it is. What is equally important when two people are thinking about blending their families, is becoming adequately aware of the dynamics of step or blended families, and preparing as much as possible for what lies ahead. Just knowing what to expect, and helping your children through some of the struggles that they may be experiencing and not even sharing with you at this moment, will help you to make the transition into life as a new family more successful. After what you have all been through, you owe it to yourself and your children to explore and learn and prepare yourself for this next step before taking it. You want this relationship and family to be a long-term commitment, so better to take the time now to do everything within your control to ensure that you are starting out on the best possible footing and have the greatest chance for success.

From my own personal experience and extensive professional experience, I can tell you that the biggest mistake couples make is believing that love alone will get them through all of what lies ahead. And it is quite simply, that unrealistic view that puts so many blended families at risk, often resulting in failure and family breakdown. It is a huge step and one that you want to make after preparing yourself for it as best you can. I would advise that you and your partner take the time to research into this as fully as possible, and get support if necessary to develop a plan for your family that takes everyone's roles and needs into consideration Such a plan will also help you to anticipate and prepare for the various challenges that you will inevitably face along the way, so that you are not blind-sided when they happen, but are poised to handle them in a proactive and cooperative way.

Are you ready for this? Only you can honestly answer that. You may absolutely be ready for a relationship with this new person - and it sounds like you are, but you need also to be ready for the life that you will be inviting for everyone when you create a new family together. If you would like, please check out my website for additional information and resources on preparing for life in a blended family. Best of luck to all of you as you embark on this journey together!!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca