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Is my widowed father dating too soon?

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Post #1 of 2 (3237 views)

Is my widowed father dating too soon?

My mother died very suddenly 7 months ago. Two weeks ago my father contacted my mother's cousin's widow. they have not had any contact with each other in at least 15 years. "Ann" has been a widow for about 2 years. Now after one date they are talking about getting married. They have discussed lots of things that people after one date don't talk about: Where they would live, what church to go to, how to take care of retirement plans. In one breath, he tells us they are just dating, but then the next sentence is about what will happen when they get married. My main concern is that he has not finished the grieving process. they were married for 41 almost 42 years. Is it only me, or has this relationship progressed way too fast? My brother, sister, and I are still actively mourning the loss of our mother, but we want my father to be happy. We are very concerned about the lack of a dating relationship to allow them to get to know each other. I need some thoughts.
Thanks

(This post was edited by the_admin on Sep 14, 2006, 6:18 PM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 2 (3209 views)

Re: [branch] Is my widowed father dating too soon? [In reply to]

If there was a theme for this month, this would most certainly be it. This is a very challenging situation for adult children - to accept that their parent, who was happily married to their other parent, is now able to move on and make plans with someone new. It requires a great deal from you - an adjustment that most adult children don't feel equipped to deal with especially when you are still actively grieving the parent who has passed.

To generalize and say what is too soon to begin dating after one has lost a spouse, is impossible. For the children, I can certainly understand why you have concerns. You want your father to be happy but are worried that in a state of loneliness, he is reaching out to someone new, too soon. It is more common for men to repartner earlier under these circumstances than for women - perhaps because women find it easier to rely and reach out to family and close friends for support and companionship after losing a spouse.

One thing to recognize is that you and your siblings will not be on the same emotional timetable around the loss of your mother, as your Dad is. She was your mother and you will never have another person take her place, so this is understandable. Some adult children are simply never ready for the possibility of their remaining parent remarrying because it doesn't fit with their picture of family life that everyone had imagined and was comfortable with. But life does continue and for your Dad, he appears to have an interest in moving on and not spending his remaining years simply remembering what was. His intent to move on doesn't take away from the love and commitment he had for your mom, but this is a new time in his life and he will make the choices he needs to make for himself.

If you are concerned that he hasn't finished grieving you can talk with him, perhaps ask him how he is feeling and honestly express the concerns that you have in a loving way. If you can also express your support for him and his decisions, that will also go along way to maintaining your relationship with him. Bottomline is he will do what he plans to do regardless, but by showing your concern and then accepting his decisions, you will maintain and hopefully build on the relationship you have with him, just under a different set of circumstances than you had all imagined.

For more information on the dynamics that surround adult children and parents who re-partner, take a look at STEPWARS - Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies by Grace Gabe, M.D., and Jean Lipman-Blumen, Ph.D. Although you are not a stepfamily (yet) it describes the dynamics and realities for everyone in this situation and can hopefully help everyone understand what is going on for the other people that are affected. Best of Luck!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

(This post was edited by yvonne"instep" on Sep 16, 2006, 11:04 AM)