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Is This Normal Planning to Marry A widower

ltowndonna
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Post #1 of 2 (2881 views)

Is This Normal Planning to Marry A widower

I met this wonderful man who is a widower and I am recently divorced. We fell in love with each other from day one. He made me realize that life does go on and that there are good men out there. I am coming from a very bad relationship.

He was very open telling me we were meant to be together, we were soulmates and things like God brought us together. I do believe that he meant these things. He told me he had never felt the way that he feels nows and so on. I felt the same way.

Our relationship has progressed on and we talked about marriage. I would love to marry this man he is great. We discussed how we both need to think about what we were getting into and we did. On November 26, 2005 he planned a very romantic proposal. It overlooked a lake were he grew up It meant alot to him to show me his life. He had champagn a blanket and even had goblets engraved with our names and the date on them. It was lovely.

Months have gone by and we have planned our wedding. We booked our restaurant for our reception, put deposits on a DJ and even picked out our cake with the deposit. We ordered invitations which we have. Everything was going great. I thought I was going to marry the man of my dreams.

Boom!!! It hit he canceled the wedding saying we needed to pospone it because of living arrangements. He has used many reasons why he did this. I just agreed. Even though it is tearing my heart out I canceled everything. Imagine doing that.

Now I find out that he is just not ready. He says it is because he is a widower but will not give me any other reasons. I understand this to a certain point. But what about my feelings. He says he just postponed it but he has not set another date nor has he even talked to me about another date.

Why would this wonderful man being so happy and full of romance do this to me? How can he tell me these things and make all these arrangements with me and then say I am not ready I am a widower. I want to believe that the things he said and the whole proposal was true. It was so romantic. Any advice please tell me.

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 2 (2394 views)

Re: [ltowndonna] Is This Normal Planning to Marry A widower [In reply to]

Who is to say what constitutes normal but it does be the question "What's wrong with this picture?" I shouldn't assume, but from what you've said, it sounds like he was moving things along fairly quickly in terms of planning your wedding together. Perhaps he has been unsure if he was ready all along and thought getting right into it would push aside any lingering thoughts of the past. People often want to force themselves to move on even when they're not ready and this usually doesn't work.

Have you asked him what this means in terms of his feelings for you and his eventual intentions? He may not be ready for marriage, but maybe for friendship which could lead to something more, which is probably how it should have begun in the first place and may have saved you both a lot of pain. But that is hindsight and most of us don't understand these things until we're looking back.

There's no doubt that his actions have hurt and disappointed you terribly and that's understandable. It was probably not done intentionally, but it is still your decision as to whether or not you want to open yourself up to this man again, should he want to continue a friendship or relationship. You should be honest with him about how this has left you feeling and that you need to know, if you're still interested, what he is thinking and feeling about the future. At the very least, he owes you an honest answer to your questions and maybe what he's telling you right now is all he knows. Because he's not ready, doesn't necessarily mean that his feelings and intentions at the time were not genuine. He may just be very confused about his feelings for you versus his feelings for his late wife and not knowing how to reconcile the two - hence the need for some time on his own until he's ready to fully commit to a new relationship.

Consider what you need, as he needs to consider what he needs right now, and above all else, take care of yourself. I honestly don't think you were taken for a ride as much as you simply got caught up in this man's confusion and ambivelence that is a result of him not being able to commit to a new relationship right now. Best of Luck!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca