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How to Speak to Widowed Mother About Sudden Engagement

isittoosoon
New User

Post #1 of 3 (405 views)

How to Speak to Widowed Mother About Sudden Engagement

My stepfather passed away this January. He was married to my mother for 15 years and I grew up with him. My sister (26) and I (24) have both moved out of state after graduating college.

My mother started dating a man in June, he moved in during July, and apparently they are now engaged. I have not received a phone call. I had been planning to visit for Thanksgiving and don't know how to deal with all of this. My sister and I both think it seems awful sudden and the lack of communication is disconcerting. I know it is her life, but my sister and I both feel like we have some stake in this. Is there any way to breach this subject with her without sounding entitled? I don't want to ruin Thanksgiving. Unsure

(This post was edited by the_admin on Nov 22, 2009, 8:49 PM)

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 3 (398 views)

Re: [isittoosoon] How to Speak to Widowed Mother About Sudden Engagement [In reply to]

Perhaps your mother is waiting to tell you in person. But if you feel uncomfortable, call your mother so you can speak to her privately. I don't know what you mean by "having a stake in this", but if you mean that you care for your mother and are concerned that she may be moving ahead too quickly, try to express your concerns in a loving way. Try a role reversal in your mind to see how you might feel and what sort of words might work, or not, with you.

You know your mom and what she may or may not respond to.

Please let us know how this works out.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #3 of 3 (390 views)

Re: [the_admin] How to Speak to Widowed Mother About Sudden Engagement [In reply to]

I agree that your stake in this is because you love your mother and are concerned about her. As children, even adult children, this is ultimately not your decision to make, even if you disagree with her choices, but I believe if you express your love and concern for her without demanding explanations or judging what she's chosen to do up until now, then she will see your concern for what it is - love for her.

These new relationships can also be uncomfortable for children and family in general as you were used to the way things were and it's not easy to experience change. If you're feeling like this puts a real strain on you and your sister, remember that this is not the time to make this your focus. While it may be difficult for you, make the focus about your mom and the concern that you have for her. I know it seems more alarming - the speed with which this has happened, and hence it makes it more difficult for you and your sister to catch up with where your mother is at, but if she chooses this relationship and continues to see this man, then your job is not to agonize over how hard this is for you, but to support your mom in the best way you know how, and accept that new relationships, second and even third families, don't always feel nice, especially at first, but that doesn't mean we don't have to at some level accept it and move on.

Talk to your mom. Let her know you are concerned about her but that you will be her daughter and be in her life no matter what her choices are now and down the road. Exactly what you would want and need from her should the roles and situations be reversed.

Best of Luck!!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca