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Father's Day spent celebrating deceased first husband

DCAurora
Novice

Post #1 of 2 (2636 views)

Father's Day spent celebrating deceased first husband

Boy did I not know what to expect in marrying a widow who had a child. So far, two father's days have passed and they have both been disasters. I work my butt off 5 days a week to provide for these two, and every Fathers day is spent morning the loss of my wife's late husband. I am leaving town next year on Father's day and going somewhere nice to be alone.

(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 31, 2007, 4:49 PM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 2 (2541 views)

Re: [DCAurora] "Fathers Day" [In reply to]

You sound very disappointed about the situation you�ve found yourself in and also angry at the particular circumstances surrounding Father�s Day. Welcome to step parenthood, and I don�t say that to in any way minimize the issues or your feelings about them. Being a stepparent can be the biggest challenge of anyone�s life. You are never adequately prepared for how your life will change as you now have the responsibility for a child that is not your own and if that isn�t difficult enough, you often feel under appreciated and maybe even in the way at times. Your wife and new stepdaughter�s feelings for the deceased are real; and for your stepdaughter in particular, you can never even begin to compete with the place that he had and still has in her life, nor should you try to replace him. It�s difficult not to be resentful when you feel like you�re trying to do everything you can in the situation, but just as you are entitled to your feelings, they are as well. And holidays or special days, such as Father�s Day have a way of bringing those feelings and that sense of loss to the surface like no other. It may also be the same on the anniversary of his death or his birthday and even Christmas. Although your wife has moved on, just the thought of her daughter going through these times with much difficulty can also cause her to be more remorseful. I�m sure this is not done to be purposely insensitive to your feelings. However, they are likely both unaware that on a day like Father�s Day, leaving you out of the picture entirely, and only focussing on the sad piece of their lives which is about �him� not being there, is insensitive to your feelings. Although this is unconscious on their parts, it is important that you make your partner aware of how this is impacting on you. If you don�t speak now and choose to remain quiet or simply leave on those days, the disappointment and anger will turn to resentment and bitterness over time.

You need to articulate what you�re feeling to your wife in a calm and rationale way when you�re not so upset, and think together about how you can be included in this day with them. She may have not given it a lot of thought, because parents often think this day is about the biological father and fail to recognize how you are also making every effort to play the father role as a stepfather. Stepparents need to feel respected and appreciated for the tremendous commitment they make in taking part in the raising of someone else�s children, often under very trying circumstances. Perhaps Father�s Day can become a day of remembering the good that was the life they had with the first man in their lives, but also a day of celebrating you, your contributions, and the new life you are all building together. If it just doesn�t seem possible, at least right away, to have a special day for you on Father�s day, then perhaps the two of you can pick another day or way to appreciate your role as step dad. Another possibility, is celebrating National Stepfamily Day together on September 16th.

A little bit of understanding and compromise on both sides here will go a long way to getting everyone�s needs met. And just remember that even though being a stepparent doesn�t seem like the most glorious and appreciated position in the world, often just the opposite, you have the chance for a wonderful relationship with your wife despite the challenges, and a tremendous opportunity to play a pivotal and nurturing role in the life of your new stepdaughter. Always be clear about your needs with your partner and balance this with a true effort at understanding what her and her daughter have gone through and what they need and you will have the best chance at making a good life together. Best of luck.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca