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Father In Law Remarriage

T. Lockwood
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Post #1 of 2 (1700 views)

Father In Law Remarriage

I do believe that God answers prayers. I was surfing the internet as I had a burning question regarding the remarriage of my father-in-law at 3am. My mother-in-law died in August of 2004 after a four month battle with cancer. My father-in-law grieved, attended a grief group for widows and participated in an online chat support group for widows. In June of this year, he announced that he was going to begin dating again. He met a woman over the internet through an online dating service within three days of registering. He and the woman talked daily and he decided by July after knowing her for three weeks to spend his birthday with her in California. He went for one week and returned declaring that he planned to propose to her. Mind you it is now August, his adult children, 31 and 35, have yet to meet her. He actually proposed to her today while the pair are in the local vicinity of his adult children and staying at a local hotel. He called today and informed us all that he has already proposed to her and she accepted. Now as a daughter-in-law, I attempted to speak with him when several weeks ago about getting engaged and requesting that the family be allowed to just meet her. He shared that he was going to propose to her and that he was not looking for our approval. Mind you he said it in a gentle/humorous manner but I still perceived it as disrespectful of his family.

I have struggled with how to help myself understand his behavior and not act out passive aggressively. In addition, I have tried to understand my family. His two boys are stating that they perceive that it is too soon but also stating that they perceive that this is something that he needs to do one because their mother wanted their father to remarry and two that the bible says that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. I, too, believe in God but I also acknowledge that widows are vulnerable! In addition, I think this is quite a change from a man who consulted his boys before he would do anything i.e. buy a car, shoes, etc. I find the behavior bizarre and impulsive.

Any thoughts. Unsure

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 2 (1673 views)

Re: [T. Lockwood] Father In Law Remarriage [In reply to]

Actually in your position, all you can probably do at this point is have thoughts on the matter, as your father-in-law is certainly not looking for opinions from others, and offering unwanted or unsolicited advice to him would not be to anyone's advantage. I understand that your concerned because he seems to be acting out of character, much different from before his wife passed away. This however doesn't have to be cause for alarm. When you're life changes as drastically as his did, it can cause you to question everything and even take a new appoach to life. His new approach doesn't necessarily have to be a problem even though it's so different. Its interesting that his sons, even though they believe he may be entering into something too soon, also seem to understand why he's moving on and don't seem to have as much of a problem with this as you do. I would take this as a cue.

While no one is ever wrong to feel concerned about the ones they love, it's how you show this concern that matters most. He is going to make his own decisions, and it is his life. Although you may think the way he's gone about things is disrespectful of his family, he may simply be doing what he knows he needs to do for himself. You care for him so you need to respect his decision (even if you don't agree), and continue to be there for him. It could just be that he's found someone that makes him very happy and you wouldn't want to begrudge him of that. Be open to meeting her when he's ready and take one day at a time. The relationships between all of you are what's most important here, and if you put your effort into nurturing these, that will be the best investment of your time and energy.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca