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Dating a widow who keeps friendships with deceased spouse's friends

msurf
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Post #1 of 2 (2403 views)

Dating a widow who keeps friendships with deceased spouse's friends

I am finding myself in a difficult situation in a new-found relationship with a widow. We are very much in love and I have no issues with her deceased husband. I understand that he was a part of her life and nothing will ever change her love for him and encourage her to embrace those feelings. She has dealt well with the grieving, and has a great understanding of her feelings through a few years of counseling and introspect. I am sure there will be difficult times and will have to respect my feelings as well as hers during those times.
The difficult situation stems from a male friend who was a friend of the late husband who helped her through the trauma. Their relationship was evidently platonic, even though they have spent nights together holding each other (nude I might add) and doing things normal couples do together over the past few years. They hold a deep love for each other and verbalize it frequently on phone cons. She claims he saved her life and she saved his life.
Fast forward to present: I recently agreed to meet Mr.X and his new girlfriend of six months, as I was curious and open to the situation. At dinner, there was a point where his girlfriend became very uncomfortable with an extended gaze across the table from my girlfriend and Mr. X. I was obviously uncomfortable as well, though I was more trying to watch the dynamic of the situation rather than feeling my feelings. I also sensed jealousy in Mr. X during several instances of our night out. I know Mr. X�s girlfriend knows of the relationship, however, I suspect she was spared many of the details my girlfriend has shared with me.
Afterwards, on the drive home, I mentioned the above dynamic(s) I witnessed, again verbalizing/focusing on the situation, rather than my feelings. Not much of a response other than, �Really?� and something trivial. I wondered if she thought about my feelings.
I realize there are a lot of moving parts, (as well as my own very serious issues) and realize I will need some counseling as well, and I am committed to creating a nurturing lasting relationship.
Perhaps I am being a little too sensitive? Hypersensitive? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Regards,
M

(This post was edited by the_admin on Mar 7, 2008, 11:15 PM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #2 of 2 (2376 views)

Re: [msurf] Friend of Widow [In reply to]

You are committed to the relationship and would like to see a future with this person, so this is definitely an area for discussion with her. Just commenting on the dynamics and hoping for her to respond in a way that will reassure you, probably won't give you what you are looking for. You want to be sure of her commitment to you and I think if you are straightforward and honest with her that will be the best approach. Be direct, tell her how you feel about her and what your intentions are and that you just want to know if you are both on the same page. This may include asking her if she still has feelings for this man and if she sees this in any way impeding the development of your relationship together. You aren't judging her or playing the jealous boyfriend, you just want to be clear on where you both stand and that's always fair in any relationship. She will probably appreciate your honest way of dealing with this, because the alternative which is beating around the bush to get information indirectly, can be very easy to see through, may make you seem insecure and jealous or hypersensitive, and in the long-run may not get you any of the answers you're looking for anyway.

Best of Luck!!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca