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Dating a marrying a widower with young children

DRA
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Post #1 of 3 (3054 views)

Dating a marrying a widower with young children

I was matched up with a guy (widower with 2 children 3 and 6) on an online dating site. You are matched by personality and compatibility. You have to take a long personality test. Then you are guided through various stages of communication until you are emailing each other and talking on the phone. He lives 8 hours away. We have known each other 9 weeks and met almost 4 weeks ago for 2 days(halfway from our houses).

His wife died of cancer 19 months ago. He says that he is ready to love again for himself not just to get a mother for his children. He has gotten rid of all of the furniture that he had and has just bought a new house. He wants to start fresh. I thought this was a very good thing.

He has already told me that I'm "the one". I am everything that he has ever wanted in a mate. I am 43 and never been married. Can he really know that I'm "the one" already? I really like him but I'm having a hard time saying yes to being a wife and a Mommy at the same time. I love kids but it will be a major change in my life!

I have not met the kids. He doesn't want me to meet them until I can give a further commitment. He doesn't want the children to be hurt. I can understand that but I would love to meet the children!

I will be visiting him for a week in a few days. I'm sure I will know more then. It is just a scary experience. I feel very comfortable with him because with the whole online experience you truly learn about each other from the inside out.

Thanks for any advice anyone can give me!

D

(This post was edited by DRA on Jun 24, 2006, 10:15 PM)

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 3 (3039 views)

Re: [DRA] Dating a marrying a widower with young children [In reply to]

How long have you known this man? How many times have you been out with him or been in his physical company? While talking on the phone and chatting online are ways to begin to get to know each other you never really know someone until you speand some real time with them. How far away does he live?

You really should take a lot of time to get to know this person and make sure he is what he says he is and that the two of you are really compatible. Online dating is a great resource for meeting people (I met my fiance in a similar situation) but unfortunately, not everyone is as honest as they should be.

Your man is right, you should spend more time getting to know one another before you get his young children involved but, you cannot make a long term commitment until you meet these kids and find out of you are all compatible. You've never been a mom before so you'll need to see how that feels before you can say for sure.

I would spend more time dating and getting to know more about each other and, when you are sure the man is right for you, then you can move on to the kids.

You've waited 43 years - why rush into this?
I Do - Take Two Moderator

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #3 of 3 (3035 views)

Re: [DRA] Dating a marrying a widower with young children [In reply to]

I couldn't agree more with the previous advice. I would also like to add that although you say you "love the children" already, my experience is that most people, stepmothers to be in particular, feel under pressure to feel love for their partner's children, and in this case I think that it is even more unrealistic as you have not even met them, much less bonded with them. All of this takes a tremendous amount of time and it's okay for you to put on the brakes and take this at a slow measured pace.

Also, he says that he doesn't want to hurt the children and that is why he wants more of a commitment from you before you meet them. While I agree that it is wise for both of you to get to know each other as a dating couple and know where you want to go with this before displaying your relationship in front of the children, I also think this puts a tremendous amount of undue pressure on you to make such a pivotal decision and commitment when you don't even know what you're getting yourself into it. Bottomline it is in unfair request. If you both want to continue seeing where this might go, and after you've had some more time to get to know each other, then perhaps you could meet the kids and be introduced as a friend of Daddy's so you can all spend some time getting to know each other. Until then it would be premature for you to make a long-term commitment. It's much like buying the goods without even seeing them beforehand, and in this case, once you've bought, it's not just that simple to return them.

Take it from someone who became a stepmother overnight even before having my own children - the unexpected will become the norm and if you take the time to find out what lies ahead, before making a commitment to this family, you will one day look back and be very glad you did. Your partner doesn't want his children to be disappointed or hurt as they've already gone through enough of a loss losing their mother, but if he brings you into this family before you're ready and you make a commitment that you were not prepared for, then your relationships will not last anyway and then the children will really stand to lose.

Remember also, that as much as they have been through, your partner and his children, it is not up to you to "save them" from their losses and make up for all that has gone on. That too was my experience and I learned that when you put everything you need and want on the back burner because you feel sorry others and want to make up to them for what they have lost, ultimately everyone ends up losing. Moving into this relationship is something that needs to be well thought out on both your parts, and negotiated between two individuals who are planning a life together. No doubt you will be filling a void in all of their lives, but just make sure that that is not your only role or purpose and that this life decision is as much about what you want and need as what everyone else wants and needs.

You can check out my website for additional resources, books and information about "life in a step or blended family". Best of Luck and I would definitely advise you to TAKE IT SLOW....
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca