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vickiec
Novice
Jun 13, 2008, 10:51 AM
Post #1 of 7
(1507 views)
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Caring For Widower/Fiance's Father-In-Law
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I feel terrible about the way I feel so what am I to do?
My fiance has been a widower for 4 years. We have been engaged since last November our wedding is scheduled for August 23 of this year. His father-in-law has no other living relatives other than 6 grandchildren. My fiance says he feels like "FIL" is like a father to him and he feels it is his responsibility to take care of him. FIL is 92 and in 5th stage of dementia. No one has power of attorney, they are waiting to have his mental capacity checked to see if he is competent. I can tell you without being a doctor this gentleman is not competent. His health is good and at his age he still gets around pretty good. Anyway, I moved in with my fiance in January with the idea to help him with this, but it is getting too overwhelming for me. I work full time as does my fiance. Two of FIL's granddaughters come in twice a week and fix breakfast and lunch for him and we have a caregiver the other days. When I come home from work it is a constant problem, you never know what you are going to walk into, if he is in a bad mood or acting up etc. There is never any quiet time or privacy for us anymore. I really feel bad about the way I feel because the man doesn't have anyone but it is destroying what my fiance and I have. I have told him the way I feel but it goes in one ear and out the other. I have requested his 3 children take him for a week at the time but that feel on deaf ears. I have requested the other 3 grandchildren come get him (they are in another state) but that's not a good idea either. He says he wished he had made other arrangements but feels he must honor this commitment. What about our commitment? I love him and want to marry him but am thinking of putting this off. Can you advise me?
Thank you.
(This post was edited by the_admin on Jun 13, 2008, 1:05 PM)
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Jun 15, 2008, 3:45 PM
Post #2 of 7
(1496 views)
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Re: [vickiec] Caring For Widower/Fiance's Father-In-Law
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This is one of the more difficult situations I've come across. Clearly your fiance is a man of character and is loyal to his commitments which is admirable. The problem as you've pointed out, is that there are two conflicting commitments as his caring for his FIL in this way, is preventing the two of you from focussing on your relationship in a meaningful way at an important time. I can understand how you feel and you can start by not being so hard on yourself as anyone would be conflicted over this situation. Your fiance is most likely very conflicted as well as I'm sure he would much prefer it to be just the two of you and yet he has made this commitment.
I have a question to do with finances, and I wondered if there was any way, that your FIL has resources to at least have someone come in on a regular basis to do some of the things that you are asking family to do, that would give you both a break from this. The second thing I'm wondering is if you have discussed a plan for what happens as his health deteriorates and/or the dimentia becomes more of an issue, making it impossible for the two of you to care for him. At that point, your fiance may still not feel comfortable looking into other care arrangement, but it would be perfectly rational and reasonable for him to do so. So just wondering if these discussions had taken place - it is a sensitive thing to discuss I can appreciate that. And yet, feeling like you're life is dependent on these unknowns and other people making the decisions, puts you in a very difficult place from which resentment will begin to enter, if some of the things are not discussed, planned for and decided upon with both of your needs taken into consideration.
It really depends on you, your level of tolerance and how much you want this relationship at some level. I would begin by recognizing what a difficult place your fiance is in, in order to help yourself not get too angered by his choices. Then discuss calmly what the options are as you both see them and clearly articulate how this is making you feel and what you want to discuss in regards to your relationship and your future. Giving ultimatums at this point would not work, so it has to be more about how much you love him, want the relationship and what you are willing to do to help him with this situation. You can also let him know that you must gauge for yourself how much you are able to do and give up even in the interim. That allows him to see where you are coming from and then make decisions in relation to that.
Again, a very difficult situation - no one is wrong here but I certainly see how this would make you feel. Be honest but speak from a feeling place not a blaming or ultimatum place. And let him know you just want to seek solutions that would allow the two of you to have a life together, even in the midst of caring for this man.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was edited by yvonne"instep" on Jun 15, 2008, 3:49 PM)
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Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER
Jun 16, 2008, 3:05 PM
Post #3 of 7
(1489 views)
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Re: [vickiec] Caring For Widower/Fiance's Father-In-Law
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Hi,
This is a difficult situation. We recently lost my MIL to Alzheimer's so I can empathize with never knowing what you'll walk into.
I have to agree w/Yvonne about seeing if there are any other resources that you guys can access to help alleviate the stress.
My concern, however, is with your expectations. Were you not aware of the situation before you moved in? If so, were you hoping you could change it once you moved in? If that is the case, I'd caution you about unrealistic expectations. This is a commitment your fiance has made and it's important to him to follow through on it. This says a lot about his character and bodes well for your future with him!! :)
You don't want to push your fiance into making a decision he doesn't want to make because he could end up becoming resentful. Instead, working together to come up with some type of a compromise seems essential. In order to do that you're going to need to get him to listen to you. Be sure you approach him in a way that communicates you need him to listen and take part in developing a solution together - NOT just "in one ear and out the other."
Best wishes!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book
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vickiec
Novice
Jun 17, 2008, 8:52 AM
Post #4 of 7
(1482 views)
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Re: [yvonne"instep"] Caring For Widower/Fiance's Father-In-Law
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To answer some of your questions regarding finances, "Fil" has the resources to pay for whatever he needs. We have care givers come in from 9-2 three days a week and on the other two days his granddaughters come during the day but there is no help in the evenings or weekends. I feel the frustration comes when I ask that we take some time off and go away for a weekend and my fiance doesn't want to ask his children (because they have their own lives) or pay the caregivers because on the weekends it is too expensive, so this leaves us with no private time. I would love to have 1 weekend a month or every 6 weeks to just be a couple. I don't feel like this is too much to ask. Do you?
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vickiec
Novice
Jun 17, 2008, 9:07 AM
Post #5 of 7
(1481 views)
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Re: [Partner4Success] Caring For Widower/Fiance's Father-In-Law
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To answer your questions. I was aware of the situation and I didn't expect to change it when I moved in but I never expected my fiance to put "FIl" first at every turn. I had expressed to him before I moved in that we were going to need time for each other. He just doesn't want to bother anyone else to make time for us and it is putting a real strain on our relationship. I admire him for what he is doing but I need him too. I am sorry if I sounded as if I would ever give him an ultimatum because I would never do that. I also know this is not a long term situation. I feel so quilty even asking for him to make time for us but there is a real problem developing here and I am just trying to act before it gets to the point there is no "US". Taking care of any elderly parent has to be trying even on people married for years.
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Jun 17, 2008, 9:58 AM
Post #6 of 7
(1479 views)
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Re: [vickiec] Caring For Widower/Fiance's Father-In-Law
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Thank you for your reply. However, we cannot offer ongoing advice to brides. If you would like to have some "coaching" please contact one of our experts from their website. Good luck with your situation.
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Jun 17, 2008, 10:40 AM
Post #7 of 7
(1477 views)
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Re: [vickiec] Caring For Widower/Fiance's Father-In-Law
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To answer your question about the weekends away, I absolutely don't feel like it is too much. Besides which, even if is expensive, he has the funds and that is why I asked this question. Once again your fiance is being a good steward of his money but is that his role and does it allow you both to be good stewards of your relationship? I think that he's possibly more concerned what it will look like to others if he spends this money to take a weekend away. But even if you both contributed financially to this, it would be better than saying we won't have time together away until he's gone. Now is the time to invest in your relationship. By asking for an evening here and there or a weekend every 4-6 weeks I think you are being perfectly reasonable. I would communicate this to him in the most caring but straightforward way possible, emphasizing what you are willing to do but also what you feel are needs that you have in your relationship that aren't being met when the focus is only directed to this aspect of your lives.
I would also reiterate that if you find this is not something you are able to make any headway own on your own, that counselling or coaching would be advisable, either for yourself or both of you to find ways to talk about this and possible solutions. There are two of you in this together and your individual needs as well as the couple needs are not squarely on the table. It is a recipe for disaster if this doesn't get addressed in the short term. Seeking outside help doesn't have to mean there is anything wrong with your relationship but it does say that you are two people dealing with a very demanding situiaton that could get in the way of you having a healthy relationship long-term.
Best of luck!!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was edited by yvonne"instep" on Jun 17, 2008, 10:43 AM)
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