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Can I Make a second marriage work?

Struggling
New User

Post #1 of 3 (2361 views)

Can I Make a second marriage work?

I am a widow who recently married for the second time. I was widowed for almost 3 years. We dated each other for 11 months before we married. He is truly a good man that is recovering from a marriage that ended in divorce after 15 years. He has two children ages 14 and 6. Everything seemed fine until after we married in July. I found myself in a new home, with a new job, a new husband, and 2 step-children that want only their Father's attention when they visit every weekend. When they visit, I feel left out. He is very affectionate with me, but tends to put me at arms length when they are around. He continues to be affectionate with them and it hurts my feelings. Am I jealous? I have tried very hard not to let this affect my feelings and I continue to treat his girls with the same love and affection that I have always shown them. Now, problems have surfaced with the older child. She did not adjust to the divorce, nor to her Mothers re-marriage. She says that she is fine with me, but I am beginning to have doubts. I guess that is the entire issue. I am beginning to have doubts about everything. We have been married less than 2 months. I find myself wishing for the relationship that I had with my late husband. I am wondering if I married because I wanted companionship and just told myself that I loved him. I am struggling with stress on so many levels and our marriage is beginning to show the effects. Help!!!!

Jill
Family Psychotherapist

Post #2 of 3 (2340 views)

Re: [Struggling] Can I Make a second marriage work? [In reply to]

I am so sorry to read about how unhappy your are. 11 months wasn't very long before you moved into a new family. The children are still very young and have had a great deal to cope with. A wedding can change their attitude to a new partner - it suddenly all seems so final to them. Do talk to your husband and try to make sure you have plenty of couple time when the children are not with you. Mark time - it is very early days in the creation of a family.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!

(This post was edited by the_admin on Aug 30, 2006, 8:32 AM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #3 of 3 (2334 views)

Re: [Struggling] Can I Make a second marriage work? [In reply to]

I don't honestly believe the struggles you are experiencing are an indication that you don't love this man. On the contrary, the struggles you describe are absolutely common in new stepfamilies. The conflict of loyalties between you and your parnter and him and his kids is one that challenges even the strongest of relationships. Understanding what is going on in terms of the dynamics will help you both to begin to appreciate what this new transition is like for each of you as well as the kids. Quite naturally the bond between father and children continues and you become left outside of this wondering where you fit in and if you do. Without threatening or criticizing his relationship with his children, you need to find a way to articulate what you need in the relationship as well, and what you are also willing to give. Too often as new stepmothers we are willing to give until it hurts and wait for whatever scraps we get, and the end result is usually bitterness and resentment.

I'm going to suggest a book for you called "The Enlightened Stepmother" by Perdita Kirkness Norwood - its one I suggest to almost all new stepmothers. You can find other usefull books listed on my site, www.stepinstitute.ca Once you know where you stand and begin to understand the dynamics a bit better, as well as what you want from all of this, you can start to think about how to discuss this with your husband and engage him in a process of working together to nurture your relationship and create your new family. Best of Luck!!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca