Ask the Experts

Home: Second Weddings: Wedding Vow Renewal:
nontraditional vow renewal & upset parents

homeschoolmama
New User

Post #1 of 4 (3989 views)

nontraditional vow renewal & upset parents

Hello :) My husband & I are currently planning to renew our vows on our 10th wedding anniversary, in just over 4 months. This is something we have looked forward to for over 8 years, as we initially eloped & were married by a Justice of the Peace. To make the day unique to *us,* we have opted for a Renaissance theme. Our pastor is quite willing to help us with the wording & all, but I was wondering if there is anything special that we could add for our children to do? They have been involved in all of the choices to date, and we are planning on having our daughter (will be 5) walk with Daddy down the aisle, and my son (9) & I will follow. I want them to be involved & have their own special part in the day, but not to become BORED.

My problem however is my parents. We eloped for many reasons; both financial & for issues of parental control. My mother is furious because my husband's family will be attending... she feels that they ought not be invited as they attended our initial wedding. My father still feels as if I was "stolen" from him, (we did have a 3 year formal engagement, but he never recognized it) and has all but said he will not attend. I am absolutely crushed that my parents may not attend, but do not wish to "call it off" because of this. We have tried many many times to talk to them about this over the past decade, but it has never resulted in anything but yelling. Is there anything more that we could do to try & have them attend?

Jill
Family Psychotherapist

Post #2 of 4 (3985 views)

Re: [homeschoolmama] nontraditional vow renewal & upset parents [In reply to]

From what you say it seems as if your parents still carry a lot of hurt and angry feelings about your wedding. This could be a wonderful time to mend bridges, so try to talk to them one more time and explain this.

If they still decide not to come, then so be it, but you will know you gave it your best shot to explain everything to them. Try to let them know how much it would mean to you to have them there on this special day.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!

emily4families
Novice

Post #3 of 4 (3974 views)

Re: [homeschoolmama] nontraditional vow renewal & upset parents [In reply to]

What a vision you're holding for your renewal of your vows. What I'm getting is the degree to which you want to honor, acknowledge, and celebrate how beautiful your life together has been and how you intend to keep the love alive and growing!

Honoring the children in the process is terrific. Asking 5 and 9 year olds not to get bored during a wedding, hmmmmm, now that's a tough one. I recommend including them with something special and that they can relate to at the beginning -- lighting candles, singing a song together as a family, telling a story, exchanging rings/gifts -- and then have someone they love and are comfortable with ready to be with them sitting, or even quietly doing puzzles, reading, if necessary, while you continue uninterrupted with your celebration. You know your children better than anyone -- you know what will be meaningful for them, what will hold their attention, and how to best include them.

In terms of your parents -- there's so much upset there, that until it is reasonably discharged, they probably won't hear your reasonable and understandable request. What I mean by discharged is simply that until you've sufficiently "gotten" their reasons for their upset -- their hurt, anger, frustration, and loss -- all those emotions will be in the way of them hearing what you want to tell them from your heart.

I always recommend seeking to understand, rather than to be understood.

Blessings on your renewal and all that it means to you.

Emily Bouchard
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"

grafxace
New User

Post #4 of 4 (3726 views)

Re: [homeschoolmama] nontraditional vow renewal & upset parents [In reply to]

Boy I can share your feelings of upset and frustration. I just submitted a post of our situation. Only in this case I am the mother of the daughter who essentially eloped. I was with her however!! My husband was furious when he found out but then I consider it his fault. They went to him prior to doing this and talked to him about their getting married quickly before he was deployed. Their idea was not only positive financially for them but also helped ease the uncertainty of where he would be the next 9 months. He also felt that should anything happen to him she would be taken care of. Her Dads response was "you do that and I will disown you!" End of conversation!

Now that time has gone by and everyone has accepted them as a couple and they now have a baby they still want to do the ceremony thing! I agree - why not! Look at what the Hollywood crowd and notables do when it comes to marriage. I mean we live in a fairly non traditional world now - so who is to say what is right and what is wrong!

I think what you are doing is to be admired and you owe it to yourselves to have that dream fulfilled. I would hope your parents come around and realize this is not about them but about their daughter and her family. It is very sad when parents adopt that attitude and stick with it for so many years. My mother died when I was 23 very suddenly. I always tell people be careful not to say hurtful things to people, hold grudges and always remember the last words you say to someone may very well be the last time you are ever able to speak to them! I hope for you and your family that your parents reconsider. Good luck to you and I would love to hear how it goes - you can email me anytime at grafxace@aol.com.