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Vow Renewal Possibility in the UK

ellesbelles
New User

Post #1 of 7 (352 views)

Vow Renewal Possibility in the UK

HELP!

My husband and I are thinking about renewing our vows on our 17th anniversary (that's when a Saturday will fall on the 8th June (our actual wedding day).

When we got married, we did have a certain amount of plans in the pipeline, that got steadily washed away by my over bearing mother. Many of my decisions were overturned (for various reasons) and we ended up getting married in a registry office (we are in England). No church, no dress, not a lot that I had actually wanted.

We would like the chance to do it right, and having gone through a couple of rocky patches (not being able to have children, being refused for IVF, and eventually adopting two) we feel that we are at a place where it would mean something for us to stand and re-make our own promises.

I know it sounds corny but I was never walked down the aisle by my father, as I only actually found him 3 years ago, (yes I did have a step-father but there are no aisles to walk down in a registry office anyway).

I agree about not having gifts, I agree about not having hen/stag nights, I am totally happy not to have bridesmaids and I know my husband will be more than happy not to have have a best man, a simple after ceremony party (buffet and disco/dancing) will ensure that we all have a good time, but I would like the chance to wear a proper outfit and have my father walk me down the aisle.

Would love your thoughts on this, thanks in advance.

(This post was edited by the_admin on Feb 8, 2010, 4:53 PM)

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 7 (346 views)

Re: [ellesbelles] Vow Renewal posibility (in the uk) [In reply to]

17 years ago you did have a choice. You chose to get married. If you allowed your mother to choose the location or the dress then that was your decision and now, 17 years later you are married. That's a great thing! Weddings are not about the dress, the cake, the flowers...they are about joining together a man and woman in marriage. The ceremony. You had that.

The tradition of the father walking his daughter down the aisle stems from the symbolic "giving away" of his daughter to her groom. Since you already "belong" to your groom because you've been married for 17 years, what would your father walking you down the aisle now symbolize? It would just appear to be an attempt at recreating a wedding.

You say you want a chance to "do it right", but you're already married and cannot be married again. But, you can certainly renew your vows and recommit your love for one another in the presence of family and friends. This ceremony celebrates the husband and wife and their commitment to one another.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

ellesbelles
New User

Post #3 of 7 (340 views)

Re: [the_admin] Vow Renewal posibility (in the uk) [In reply to]

My father walking me down the aisle would sybolise a lot. Having not known him for 34 years, to me it is a way of bringing him into my family, and letting him have the chance to do something that he should have been able to do but wasn't allowed to do due to circumstances beyond his control, and don't give me no crap about that being his decision - 34 years ago there was no CSA, the courts were not bothered about family access arrangements and matters of children of divorced parents were sorted with a handshake, in my case, my biological father was told "keep away from us and the step-father and we won't ask for money".

On the subject of re-creating a wedding, what is so wrong with re-creating a wedding? If you feel that things were not "right" the first time around and you want a go at righting the wrongs, (and you are not asking for any financial help or gifts) then what is the problem. You are not doing anything illegal, you are publicly announcing that you have a strong bond with your husband and you are asking friends to help you celebrate that. Does it matter if you wear a wedding dress? (or a fancy frock) does it matter if your father walks you down the aisle (as a way of saying "you done good, girl, I am proud of you" as opposed to giving you away) and does it really matter if there is a guest pulling all your hard work and effort to bits? After all, no-matter what the event, no-matter what the occasion, no-matter what the gathering is for, there will ALWAYS be someone who is not happy unless they are complaining that the food is not good enough, the music is too loud, there are too many kids, and OMG what is she wearing!!!.

One final thought, your website name "I Do - Take Two", does that not imply that if you get it wrong the first time, then hey, go ahead and get it right the second time. Rather contradictory if your advice is to simply say "forget it, you're already married, the decision was made, get on with life".

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #4 of 7 (335 views)

Re: [ellesbelles] Vow Renewal posibility (in the uk) [In reply to]

First, please refrain from using questionable language on our forum.

No, you're not doing something illegal, but if you're already married, and have been for 17 years, it appears silly to pretend that you're not. That is the intention of the vow renewal ceremony. And, if you're having this ceremony in church, most clergy will not perform a wedding for a couple already married. There are many ways for your dad to let you know he is proud of you. That isn't something that has to be done as a public display. But, you can certainly ask him to participate in your vow renewal service, possibly during a unity candle ceremony which could reunite the entire family. Again, the focus on the fact that you are, and have been married for 17 years and are husband and wife, not bride and groom.

The name of this website, I Do - Take Two, (A guide to second weddings, second marriages and vow renewals) and the term "second wedding" is attributed those getting married a second time to someone new. They are not already married to each other so their ceremony is a wedding.=, again, a ceremony to marry a couple.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT

Post #5 of 7 (333 views)

Re: [ellesbelles] Vow Renewal Possibility in the UK [In reply to]

I couldn't agree more. Everything you have mentioned and want to do is not considered proper. Arguing with us won't change that fact. Perhaps it would be more helpful for you to read etiquette books or visit a few chat rooms. With etiquette book option, you will find the same advice we offer. This means that not only can take the advice or leave it, but will also read that we are not just some stiff overly rules oriented people. We do know what we are talking about.

Chat rooms, on the other hand, are manned (or womaned) by those like yourself. There are no professionals to speak of and these ladies will, most likely, applaud your decision to go out on your own and do whatever you wish to do, as long as it makes you happy.

You could also try asking Miss Manners this same question. Her response would, most likely, be the same.
Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com

ellesbelles
New User

Post #6 of 7 (329 views)

Re: [Etiquette Now] Vow Renewal Possibility in the UK [In reply to]

Having researched a little more, (as you advised) I would like to show you the following.
What to Wear

[Removed due to wrong information]

I got the above information form a Wedding Planning site. And as far as I can tell from the above, I can have a "wedding" dress if I so wish. I can make this our "Wedding Experience" - by having the things that we didn't have the first time around, we will celebrate our anniversary and my husband will be able to have a new wedding ring (the one he has is a little on the tight side now), and as we can walk down the aisle together, I see no reason why we cannot walk down the aisle with my father, who can say a few words before taking his seat. As I mentioned before, I do not want gifts, I do not want stag/hen do's or showers or a group of bridesmaids/page boys/ushers etc etc, but it seems from the information above, I can have what I would like. And as you so often like to say to everyone "yes you had a choice x number of years ago, you made that choice" well, now I have a choice again, and my choice is to have my day and enjoy it.

(ps - apologies for any offensive language in my last post) x

(This post was edited by the_admin on Sep 27, 2009, 5:22 PM)

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #7 of 7 (323 views)

Re: [ellesbelles] Vow Renewal Possibility in the UK [In reply to]

Honestly, anyone with a couple of bucks and an internet can make a website. Trust me, what you're planning in inappropriate. I listed the reason above. If you disagree, that's your choice to do so, but we stand behind our advice and wish you the best with whatever you plan.

If you're looking for validation (or argument) you came to the wrong place. Check out some more reliable etiquette experts like Peggy Post and Miss Manners.

Don't forget that some websites/wedding planners are in the business to make a financial gain from telling you that what you're planning is great.

Congratulations on your 17th wedding anniversary.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

(This post was edited by the_admin on Sep 27, 2009, 9:30 PM)