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Civil then religious ceremony

sailgal625
New User

Post #1 of 3 (1589 views)

Civil then religious ceremony

Due to legal and financial reasons (we have a son together already, and would like to also secure VA financing for our home with both incomes), my fiance and I are considering getting married about five months before we have planned our actual wedding- he has been overseas with the military, and we did not know when he was returning when we set the date, so we had to set it far enough out to make sure he was home. Our extended families already know about our October date, and are planning to come- after reading the posts on here, however, it seems as though we would be considered rude to host this as our wedding, or to expect gifts. Neither of us have been married before, we will be setting up our house with little to bring to the table, and not that I'm "seeking gifts", but I also don't quite understand why it would be wrong to receive them when I've never received wedding gifts before, either. I haven't been married five times, and would not expect anything if that were the case. Why should brides who are able to wait till their official day be the only ones who get to throw their bouquet, have a wedding cake, and get gifts? I've spoken to several of the "elders" in my family, and none of them seem to think anything wrong of this, several even suggesting that I merely not tell anyone about the legal marriage. I'd appreciate your advice!

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 3 (1586 views)

Re: [sailgal625] Civil then religious ceremony [In reply to]

I'm shocked to hear that the older members of your family are suggesting that you lie. You won't just be lying to your family and friends, you'll be lying to yourselves, and any children who may come along later. Do you think this is a good way to begin a marriage?

The point that's missed here is that once you're married, no matter where or when this takes place, you're married.

Your best option would be to have the ceremony and reception on the same day. But, if this is impossible (and really give this a lot of consideration - what will you gain/lose?) then my suggestion is to go ahead and have the legal ceremony you desire (hopefully your parents can be in attendance - I know I would be disappointed if I could not witness this big event in my child's life) and then have just the reception later or a blessing of your marriage in church or a vow renewal ceremony.

Wedding gifts are expected from wedding guests though. So, although your family and friends may send gifts when they learn of your marriage, or give gifts when they come to your reception/party, they just aren't "obligated" by etiquette to do so unless they are invited to the wedding (ceremony). The other events such as throwing the bouquet, bachleor/bachelorette parties or having your first dance as husband and wife don't make sense because you will already have been married for 5 months. Use common sense to incorporate the traditional components that will make sense in your case and your event will be viewed positively. Plus, you can always be honest about your anniversary date. Smile

I Do - Take Two Moderator

Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT

Post #3 of 3 (1583 views)

Re: [sailgal625] Civil then religious ceremony [In reply to]

Point by point, I couldn't have said it better myself. I completely agree.
Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com