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wedding renewal but most family members don't know it is

israelbride
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Post #1 of 3 (1317 views)

wedding renewal but most family members don't know it is

Hi, I read through the vow renewal etiquette section but still have a question...

My husband (fiance back then) and I were long-distance couple: me in US, he in Israel attending grad school. We were planning an April 2008 wedding, to take place in the US. However something very tragic happened to me, and I fled the states to be with my fiance in Israel. We didn't want to just start living together, so had a very small ceremony (with officiant, but none of our family or home friends).

Eventually we did tell my parents what actually happened to me and why we had this unplanned wedding. To the husband's parents, we just told them we got married, without telling them about me. The nature of the incident is such that I/we don't plan on telling them at all. Plus, our home culture is such that my in-laws have not told others in the family that we are already wed.

So - most of the people we're inviting #1 don't know that this is not our first marriage (it would be a "vow renewal") and #2 don't know about what prompted the unplanned and somewhat secret wedding we had.

With April (original wedding) approaching, and plans under way, I am/we are faced with the very uncomfortable situation of either having to tell everyone that we already had a marriage (for some obscure reason? - because I cannot tell everyone what happened), or just going ahead as if this was the "real" wedding with attendants, guests, reception etc. I think my husband prefers the latter, because the memories of what happened in the past are too painful to deal all over again.

If we do tell people that this is a vow renewal, it will raise some eyebrows, would be considered embarassing/shameful for both of our parents (since they, too, kept it secret thus far). I think they would prefer to not let anyone know as well.

What is your advise? Do you think we could carry on as if this was the only wedding we had... for the sake of everyone who's attending... or should we bare the truth.

Thank you - it was a long post :)

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 3 (1315 views)

Re: [israelbride] wedding renewal but most family members don't know it is [In reply to]

You're already married. To host anything other than a vow renewal would be a lie and unfair to your friends, family and yourselves. The best you can do is to tell everyone you were married. You don't need to discuss the reasons. Claim young, dumb and in love.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT / Moderator

Post #3 of 3 (1312 views)

Re: [israelbride] wedding renewal but most family members don't know it is [In reply to]

I strongly agree. To go on with a lie would unfair to all of you. It would be best to do as suggested, as many just can't wait to be together and don't want to live together without being married. Then you could host a reception rather than a vow renewal--much more positive.

I'm sorry you have been hurt. I hope for the very best for you two in the future.
Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com