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Second time around for both....... gift etiquette help

sahara_rose
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Post #1 of 4 (5440 views)

Second time around for both....... gift etiquette help

My sister and future brother-in-law are getting married; second marriages for both. She is having a bridal shower later this month, hosted by her eldest daughter. In the shower invitations was a list of various places where they are registered. The list of items that they have on their registry is for their house which they recently just bought. They are leaving the day after their wedding for their honeymoon on a 2 week cruise. She has made it known to us, her sisters that she would prefer cash to help with paying for the wedding and the cruise. Personally, I find that very tacky. Myself, I am very happy that she has finally found "the one" - they compliment each other so well, and they are absolutely adorable together. But this business of expecting cash and/or gift certificates leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I feel a bit like an investment........ she invests "x" number of dollars in me (cost of meal, percentage of rental hall, party favours, wedding favours, etc.) and she doubles her money.
I gave at her first wedding..........
I would like to think that she would be just as happy that I am able to share this day with her. It wasn't my decision to buy a house and to furnish it with wedding gifts, nor was it my decision to go on a cruise.
One of our sisters-in-law suggests that we each give $100 for a total of $200 a couple!!! Shocked

They are getting married in the evening, reception and dinner at a hall, dance to follow and a cash bar. We will have to travel a few hours and stay in a motel. And we will have to travel to attend the wedding shower.
Now, I love my sister dearly. However I don't have that available cash to just dole out. What would proper etiquette be in this case? Myself, I would just like to give a personal gift - A Bible with a dedication to them both, a wedding photo album, something of a personal nature.

What does etiquette dictate in this case?
Thank you

(This post was edited by sahara_rose on Oct 2, 2006, 4:18 PM)

Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT / Moderator

Post #2 of 4 (5428 views)

Re: [sahara_rose] Second time around for both....... gift etiquette help [In reply to]

Dear Sis,

Perhaps an etiquette book would be an appropriate gift. Jeez. I agree that this is way over the top.

Her first offense is having her daughter host a shower for her. Unless her daughter is also an attendant, this is self-serving and as if asking for lots of gifts for her mom.

Secondly, cash is not an appropriate gift for a shower. In fact, many these days are opting for the 'gift-less' shower.

Third, those who gave to her for her first wedding are not expected to give to her this time around.

Fourth, we never expect gifts! Ever.

Fifth, and the most disgusting, we never expect our guests to pay for the party. Cash bars are not appropriate. Our guests should never have to bring their wallets.

You could ask your sister to read this or any etiquette book.

Best wishes,
Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com

sahara_rose
New User

Post #3 of 4 (5092 views)

Re: [Et.byRebecca] Second time around for both....... gift etiquette help [In reply to]

Thank you for your response. Just a little update.
I attended my sisters wedding shower although I was a few hours late due to distance and the fact that I just started a new job and was unable to get any time off. I had worked an 8 hour shift then drove over 2 hours and I stayed for a few hours then returned home because I had to return to work the next morning at 5 am. I had told her about my work situation and she understood that I would be late attending. The shower was a few weeks ago, and I have as yet not received a thank you for my gift in any form, not verbally, by email or card. Should I expect one? She has sent me emails (mind you they were just forwards of jokes) and I have received nothing personal from her at all. Nodda. Zilch. Of course, I feel slighted. I realize that she has lots on her mind and little things to tie up before the wedding. I am more than willing to overlook this little oversight. I mean, life is way too short to waste my time worrying about this. And yet, she had emailed me and sent me an invitation to the shower and called me numerous times. And now, once I've attended and given my gift I receive silence. Was going to give $100 but now, I feel that $50 would be more appropriate.
Would appreciate your thoughts.
Thank you

Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT / Moderator

Post #4 of 4 (5053 views)

Re: [sahara_rose] Second time around for both....... gift etiquette help [In reply to]

This isn't really a surprise, is it??? Yes, she should have handwritten a thank you note right away. But, it seems as if she is only interested in gifts and the money for her honeymoon.

Humm...$50? You remember that you are not obligated to give anything, right?

I hope the gift you gave was that etiquette book I mentioned Wink

Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com