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kay
Novice
Jan 19, 2005, 9:53 AM
Post #1 of 10
(4690 views)
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SD attending wedding
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Getting married in June with two SD under the age of 8. Wedding may be one or two weeks before school closes. I really don't want them to be there because it would cost too much (travel, clothes etc) they live over 1000 miles away. Then when we leave we would have to leave them with grand parent who are about 7 to 8 hours away and work full time.
But my only niece who is 3 and about 5 states away I'm insisting that she is there. Of course I'm willing to foot the expenses because I can afford it. But my family would not let me because they can afford it too. Either way she is in at little to no cost to me.
My FH cannot afford the wedding, pocket money, the daycare, the CS, the honeymoon, the travel and the dresses all in the same month. THe mother will not help with any of the cost eg. forgo the CS or anything. So I'm leaving up to the two of them.
The Mother choses not to work so I have no intention of spending my hard earn money on the SD.
Has anyone has this issue.
Guess they won't be attending. But will be here for summer when we return (maybe????) Schedule is not a set one.
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Jill
Family Psychotherapist
Jan 19, 2005, 10:42 AM
Post #2 of 10
(4680 views)
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I wonder if the issue here is not so much the two little girls at the wedding, but the part that they will play in your future family life. You tell us what you think, but I would be most interested to know what your future husband feels about all this. Are you talking about the future with your SD's?
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!
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kay
Novice
Jan 19, 2005, 12:22 PM
Post #3 of 10
(4677 views)
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I guess a little of both. But I think that he roles over financially for the BM who has cheated on him left and refuses to work so I have no financial sympathy for them. She is lazy and he enables.
how does he feel? He would like them to be there but can't afford all of it at the ame time. She doesn't care either way once she get the CS and any other financail help that she can. I am actually anticipating a financial crisis before the wedding. She does not know about this yet so I am not aware of any emotional drama.
I guess by them being there I will aslo be reminded of the idiot he chose to be his children's mother and the price that we both have to pay going forward. I will bear as little burden as possible of that responsibility. Yes I do feel cheated, financially and having my first born but we have already spoken about that. I am in the process of setting up a living trust for everything that I now own. He is free to do the same but he does not have anything to set up he is too busy giving away his money.
He doesn't like the fact that I want the trust set up to my future child or to my niece for everything that we purchase together going forward.
It may sound bad....but he knows how I feel. The other alternative is to keep everthing seperate then he can see how far he get after paying CS and financing her whims....
and I put everything I aquire to my future child or to my niece.
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Jill
Family Psychotherapist
Jan 19, 2005, 12:59 PM
Post #4 of 10
(4673 views)
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I can hear how angry you are about the earlier relationship and about the two girls. Your anger is directed at the BM and your future husband, but do keep in mind that they are his children and so I do urge you both to keep talking about how the girls will fit into your life. I am sure he will be grateful to you if you can be sensitive to the delicate situation in regard to his children.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!
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kay
Novice
Jan 19, 2005, 1:43 PM
Post #5 of 10
(4672 views)
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The children are fine. I have no problem with them I do love children unfortunately I don't love these I just like them. Guess it was my first impression of the children's appearance from the perfect mom. totally unpolished. I think that BM treat them crappy and he accepts it. they are too young to know any better and it is their mom.
I just don't want to introduce them to my world and then they want to move to live with us can't handle that. Their mom chose to cheat, move out and selected the life that she wanted for them. Unfortunately it is not better than they had it is worse.
My niece is much younger dad killed in an accident. she is so much more will adjusted socially, and educationally. Aunts including mother are all professional with one or more degrees and yes she may be spoilt to death not rude. But that was because we chose to be educated, independant and responsible before considering marriage and children (we all have our own house). CS from the other parent would be a plus not a need.
So I really don't want the repsonsible for this mess that they created. I am not mentally or financially prepared for anything other than what I prepared my life for. Marriage and one child. That is all the I can afford with my work schedule and private school fees. Having had to make difficult choices to get this far I have no intention of giving it away to the SD.
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Djamespat
New User
Feb 12, 2005, 8:14 AM
Post #6 of 10
(4310 views)
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Kay, you sound selfish, greedy, a whining cry baby. If your fiancee had any brains left he would run for the hills far away from you. You marry someone with kids you accept the whole package not just the part of the package you want. your a real *****. I was appauled when I read your garbage. You actually had the nerve to print this. I am getting married for the sec. time and my fiancee has a son I adore; not his ex wife... why should the kids suffer it wasn't their fault?
(This post was edited by the_admin on Feb 12, 2005, 9:13 AM)
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emily4families
Novice
Feb 12, 2005, 2:08 PM
Post #7 of 10
(4303 views)
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Okay -- what we have here are two extremes -- and neither is getting us anywhere. Kay, you obviously struck a nerve here and you've been blasted for it. Anyone who is a stepdaughter who reads this couldn't help but feel furious and disgusted. And anyone who is a loving stepmother who has embraced her role fully and completely could feel quite justified in making you wrong for your thoughts and feelings -- because they are so different from their own.
Kay, from what you've written, I've gotten the impression that you are pregnant, and that you are marrying the father of your child -- you keep mentioning your future child. You're either really clear that you are ready to have a child with him, or the child has decided that for you.
Either way, you are choosing to marry a man who has two daughters with another woman. How you choose to blame, shame, and complain about her is your business -- and I can guarantee you that marital bliss is not in your future if that's that attitude in which you are enterring this union.
By making him wrong right from the start, you are both doomed. You are already against the odds, dear one! Two out of three second marriages fail, and that statistic goes up to even as high as 80% when there are children involved.
You are enterring into this future commitment with one foot already out the door. The question that keeps coming up for me as I read your entries is: Why is she choosing to marry a man who she does not support or respect in any way? That's the energy that comes through in what you're writing.
I can't help but wonder about the degree to which you are unhappy with this arrangement, and the choices and decisions you've made. Your harsh and unforgiving judgments about his first wife and mother of his daughters may be reflecting more back to you about how you're feeling about yourself in relationship to him and his unborn child. Could be worth exploring -- before you get married.
Marrying a man with children is a package deal -- whether you like it or not, those girls and his ex will be in your life for the rest of your life. You seem to be preparing for battle and have already figured out all your defense strategies and your "out-clause" financially. Where does "he" fit? What exactly is your relationship based on? And why are you choosing to fight against the man you want to choose as your life partner? As a coach, it just doesn't make sense to me. There's no way you can have a winning team with the attitudes, beliefs, and judgments you have at this time.
I wish you well.
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
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gymlady
Novice
Mar 28, 2005, 10:34 AM
Post #8 of 10
(4016 views)
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Hi Kay,
See, I empathize with you. Although I don't agree fully, I have a future SS. My FH was dumb enough to get her pregnant and then when she said she doesn't want to keep the baby, he convinced her too with the promise that he would marry her and take care of them both... unfortunately, he was young and too silly to realize that marriage is hard when you love the other person with all your might - it's impossible when you don't love eachother and a child brought into the world not conceived in love - I know I'll get blasted for this - but sheesh it's not something I would do. I actually have evolved to a point where I understand FH's anger, but also understand why his ex cheated on him, threatend his life, raped him financially, etc. This makes for interesting dinner conversation with my in-laws who can't see beyond their anger - they say for the ex... I say the anger's really for thier son, but it's more acceptable to be angry at the ex.
Anyway, I don't think you are doomed. We all go through moments when we say "I love this man, why was he such a dope to have kids with this other woman?" we wonder why life and God are so unfair as to give children to those who don't do the right things for them, yet so many couples struggle to create a life out of the love they have for eachother. Start to accept the irony's and unfairnesses of life and you'll evolve too. Your SD's are part of your life, but it sounds like they are a distant part. Sometimes I' think it easier to have SS just 10 miles away rather than to have to give up an entire summer to him if he lived thousands away. You just need to come to terms with your man's past. If you love him, you need to learn to forgive him... and it sounds to me that you need to forgive her too. It's not easy to be the bigger woman, but it's necessary. Remember too that all relationships are hard, rely on your love to carry you through and really savor the times when you and FH are together alone and really learn to appreciate it.
I know... second, second, second... second wife and you'll never be the mother of his first. She may have been first, but play your cards right and you'll be FOREVER! I too cried at night that she game his his first child and his first born SON (we all know how special that is to a man), but think about "normal" families you know - is the oldest child the one that everyone dotes on? Or is it the cute little baby???? It's usually the cute little baby. Your child will have the privilege of having it's father there with it the rest of his/her life. His kids do not have that privilege. As for custody - see, I'm not with the experts, a child in this situation is very delicate. As a person who moved with both my parents in a stable family at the age of 13, I can tell you, it's the hardest thing for a kid to change schools - kids do NOT handle transition well b/c they do not have the experience in life to deal with it. Now add to the transition, new school, new family, new house, new dog, cat, fish, whatever! You need not worry too much about you hubby getting custody, if he's smart he'll realize that his kids will want to live with you for a week... believe me, my SS always says "I want to live with daddy" and when you ask him why - his answere is "b/c it's fun, daddy doesn't make me do homework and clean my room", well, duhhhh! We all know that would change if he lived with us and he'd HATE it here. I mean, my future kids (and no, I'm not even close to pregnant) will be raise SO GROSSLY different from my SS, it's sick! I want well rounded kids in sports and music - his ex doesn't believe in those things... just video games! (HA!)
Anyway, hang in there. Keep us posted, it's hard, but not impossible.... Just love and forgive and remember why you love him when it's hardest.
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Deacon Bob
INDEPENDANT CATHOLIC DEACON
Apr 1, 2005, 6:03 AM
Post #9 of 10
(3998 views)
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There are some issues here. From the reading I did I can not really tell how FH feels. His feelings are important even if he can not do it financially and you will have to help. But what concerns me more is the fact that you indicate that the children remind you of his prior relationship. That you normally love children but you only like these children. Before we go anywhere else and I say this cautiously and I hope it is not taken the wrong way, but this is an issue that might require professional counseling. From my view anyway when you marry the dad ---- you marry the kids. Like it or not they are going to be an important part of your life once you marry dad. Quite frankly, if I was the officiant and knew of this issue I would decline to officiate this wedding as I see major issues on the horizon for this marriage. Just my opinion but I hope you think this out before you take the big step. I see issues with not only the children but finances and those are two major causes of divorce in this country.
Deacon Bob Tousey
Independant catholic Deacon
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emily4families
Novice
Apr 8, 2005, 6:53 PM
Post #10 of 10
(3943 views)
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Perhaps "doomed" was a bit too strong. I agree with the Deacon. The two major indicators of success or failure in second marriages are related to the children and finances. Numbers don't lie. And, I believe it is imperative that these issues get addressed fully and professionally before you consider saying your vows before God and the law. This is a serious decision and one that should be thought through fully -- as the repercussions are painful and highly costly in ways you cannot even imagine.
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
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