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Name change

3rdtimebride
New User

Post #1 of 4 (1468 views)

Name change

This will be the 3rd marriage for both my fiance and me. I took my husbands' names after the first two times, then changed back to my maiden name after each divorce. When my fiance asked me to marry him, I asked him if he cared if I did not take his last name when we marry since it's such a pain to change names at work, with doctors, on legal documents such as passports etc, and with everyone I do business with. In some places they have me under two accounts with different last names. My kids' old friends don't even know what to call me (Ms. ?). He said he didn't care since we are in our 50's and aren't planning on having any children together. My daughter thinks he just said that to be polite and because he's in love with me, and that by keeping my maiden name it shows a lack of commitment to making this one last. (Not that I had much of a choice about the dissolution of my previous marriages.)What do you think? Should I go through the process one more time to show my committment, or should I keep my name the way it is knowing in my heart that the name has no bearing on my committment to our marriage? Is it possible to go by one name legally and another socially, or is that still too confusing?

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 4 (1466 views)

Re: [3rdtimebride] Name change [In reply to]

I think you should (again) ask your fiance. Tell him your concerns. Ask him if he's sure. Then, go with what feels right for you. But, I agree that going by 2 different names will be too confusing.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor

Post #3 of 4 (1463 views)

Re: [3rdtimebride] Name change [In reply to]

I agree. Speak with your fiance, explain what you've explained here and tell him it's important for you to know what he feels. Although he may have been being perfectly honest with you the first time so if he reiterates that, accept what he's saying. Other people can place lots of doubts in our minds but we should be able to trust what our partner is saying. And as you said, taking the name doesn't have any bearing on your commitment to him and the marriage - it is more of a personal choice and at the end of the day, it's your choice.

Best of Luck.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #4 of 4 (1451 views)

Re: [3rdtimebride] Name change [In reply to]

Hi,

I think your daughter is looking at things from an old fashioned point of view. There are TONS of women who choose, for whatever reason, NOT to take their husband's names when they marry. This can be first marriages or subsequent marriages.

This decision doesn't have to be about commitment at all. What you need to do is check your motivation for doing this. It sounds like it's a convenience factor, not anything about commitment. If you're sure that is the case, then I'd suggest kindly letting your daughter know that you appreciate her concern, but this is a decision you're making not having to do with commitment.

Another thing to keep in mind is that your daughter may also be concerned about you getting hurt again by another marriage ending. This may be why she's voicing this concern. Take that to heart. That may be the topic of conversation to have with her rather than just this name change thing.

Best wishes,
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
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