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gymlady
Novice
Mar 28, 2005, 10:14 AM
Post #1 of 2
(1675 views)
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Many Questions
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Hi all,
I'm new to this site so I'm open to ideas. A little background... I've been wearing the ring for about a year and we should start planning our wedding next month (april). We're going away this weekend (FH's idea) to talk about our plans. This is my first marriage... this is FH's second and he has a child from the first. The first is one that everyone in FH's family including him would like to forget. They got married b/c she got pregnant... FH made the comment to me once that "he's so excited, he feels like he's getting married for the first time". Of course that made me feel good. The reason however, that we could not plan until now was b/c he had to wait on divorce papers (everything's signed by both parties, but for some reason - the court has not sent him any paperwork - I guess he gets a copy of the decree? or some sort of "divorce certificate" - this was filed in January and still nothing!) and his separation agreement is fulfilled as of the end of this month. He hasn't lived with the ex for about 7 years - they only lived together less than a year before he moved out. SS and I have a GREAT relationship and he is very excited for Fh and I to get married. He lives with his mother, FH's ex. As excited as FH can be about us sometimes when I've tried to dabble in ideas in the past, FH gets upset and puts it on hold - granted his divorce was not completely finalized when this happened. It was his idea to go away to talk about it. And I've decided that I'll dabble as much as I want and maybe once a week I'll sit him down with ideas rather than bug him everytime I find something intersting - which is what I was doing - even if he was busy and immersed in something else - I became a bit wedding "obsessed". This time I'll give him his space, but clue him in when it's appropriate.
Anyway, here's my remarriage questions and forgive me if I'm raw, but I'd like some advice and I'm assuming this is a "safe" place to vent. This being my first marriage - I understand that the child will be part of our lives the rest of our lives, however, I'd like the wedding to revolve around Fh and I as much as possible - kind of like a normal wedding (I'm just asking for ONE NIGHT that's all, I'm very good about giving of our time for SS in all other cases). Despite that I would prefer to have NO children at all at my wedding, I have no problem having SS as a ring bearer or Jr. Groomsman and being in some pictures... but I'd like the majority of the album to be FH and I. SS will be about 9 years old when we marry... he is 7 today. We have taken him to other affairs (FFIL's b-day party and FBIL's wedding) - at both affairs SS managed to get into trouble and was the TOTAL focus of FH's attention... especially (and rightfully so) when SS decided on his own accord without telling anyone to WALK OUT of the reception halls!!!! Then FH runs out after him. I'm also planning a very sexy, romantic wedding night in NYC for us (very expensive too), 3 will most definitely be a crowd! A.K.A. the child needs to be taken home or stay with Fh's family. To be honest though... my FIL's are a bit flakey. They talk about how they want to see SS, but never make the effort and expect FH to bring him to them at their whim (they don't live that close anymore). I even worry that FFIL would find it amusing for SS to 'crash' the honeymoon suite and FMIL probably will be mad at me for not wanting her "sweet precious" to be the center of the attention rather than me as the bride. They're very good about telling me of my "death sentence" that I have in the child and lecture me about being a step mother, but I have yet to see them act like grandparent's. I bite my tongue for the most part - HARD!
FH's ex jokes that she's going to "crash" our wedding. Reality is that we aren't getting married in a house of worship, it will be at the catering hall where our reception is so I'd think that she can't just come in - she'd have to be an invited guest (I may supply the matr'd with a guest list to be checked off as people come so that this is a non-issue since she will not be on it). She has been known to use the child as a tool to make life tough and I can see her making her own plans for that night and telling FH that SS will have to stay with us and that she won't be home should we try to get him dropped off by a guest or member of the BP.
That's the other issue... our favorite hall is about 2 hours from where we live, where SS lives and where most of our guests and BP live. I think most people will stay at a nearby hotel that works with the hall, but again, FH and I will not stay there (partly b/c I don't want SS with us on our wedding night), we'll have our fun in the city. I'm wondering though if I should select a closer hall for the sake of SS, but the hall farther away is a wine vineyard and I think FH's family would love it and I love the idea of getting married in a vineyard. If we did it closer by it would just be a plain catering hall site. Kind of boring and my sister's getting married within weeks before me - I'm concerned my family will not enjoy my wedding as much if I don't change up the setting a bit.
Now for my ideas and I'd like opinions. One - how do I bring up the tender, sensitive, guilt riden subject of his son to FH? By guilt riden I will tell you that from what I see, FH feels more guilt than love for this kid - so you can imagine how defensive FH could get if I remind him that SS has anything less than perfect behavior and runs out of catering halls. I want to have a babysitter/chaparone for the 3 or 4 kids in the wedding party that will be invited (I threw in FH's god daughter as a Jr. bridesmaid - which is also SS's cousin, and hoping it will be okay if her older brother comes even though he's not in the BP (is that wrong since for the most part kids outside the BP will not be invited) and of course a flower girl). I teach gymnastics and there are some younger coaches where I work that are great with kids so I may just throw one of them $100 and a free meal to sit with the kids, maybe have her play some board games with the kids and escort them to the bathroom or if SS wants a breath of fresh air. FH I think will definitely be OPPOSED to this idea. I know my FIL's will not do anything to help... that's how they are, they let him run through the rafters and hang from the ceiling and they just think he's adorable! I'm the only one in the world other than his teachers, that gives SS boundaries... and you know what... when I do the child puts his arms around me, kisses me and says "I love you", but ask my FIL's I'm a bad step mother and I have no idea what I'm getting myself into???????????? This is because I'm not incessed with anger toward FH's ex. I have NO animosity toward the woman (I just dont' think it's appropriate for her to be at our wedding), and FFIL and FMIL I think feel that if I don't hate her and obsess over the hatred of her then I"m bad.
I'm also thinking - FH and I live together, I'm considering staying at my parent's house starting 2 weeks prior to the wedding and not see him until I walk down the aisle and at the same time encourage him to spend as much time as possible with his son and maybe even talk to him about the behavior that is expected (but I know that FH won't do that b/c he feels that his behavior should be whatever he wants so that he has fun at the wedding) or at least that he cannot leave the premises without asking a grandparent or the babysitter (if I can sell FH on the idea of the babysitter without it causing a fight - pray for me on this one). I want FH to miss me so much that he'll be thrilled to be in my presence after 2 weeks without me. I want FH to spend so much time with his son that he'll be thrilled to let a babysitter deal with him at the wedding. Does this make sense? Should I even tell FH about my babysitter idea - or just have it in place and not say anything? I mean, he's not going to be in on chosing my dress - does he have to be "alerted" that his kid will be taken care of.
I know I've written a lot and I hope that it's not too choppy. I also hope that I'm not "slammed" for being a bad step mother that doesn't understand that the child means that she has to sacrifice every bit of her being. I understand and have my own thing with SS which works for us... I just want ONE day - my day in the sun.
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emily4families
Novice
Mar 28, 2005, 2:22 PM
Post #2 of 2
(1670 views)
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You've shared so much, it's hard to know where to start or what direction to go with you.
Seems like you are clear about what you want and how you want your wedding to be. Are you looking for approval around these ideas?
As a blended family coach who has worked with over a hundred stepmother -- pre and post marriage -- there are some critical distinctions I have learned that make the difference between marital bliss versus blowing apart.
Are you aware that 2 out of 3 second marriages fail? And that when there are children involved, the numbers increase to 80%! There are some key strategies you can use to beat the odds and have the kind of lasting, solid relationship you envision, with your stepson as an integral part.
If you're open to coaching, one thing I would strongly encourage you and your FH to do is to become UNIFIED as a couple in relationship to how your SS is parented. You're in for a lot of frustration and pain and resentment in the future, if things continue as you've currently described them.
There's much the two of you can do to become well-equipped to parent his son with ease and grace, irregardless of what his mother and your inlaws do to encourage unwelcome behaviors.
I recommend that you NOT make decisions related to your SS without including and involving his father -- that's a recipe for disaster and will set a negative tone for your future marriage. You can engage him in a discussion about OPTIONS with his son and the wedding, and come up with all kinds of scenarios -- where there's no judgment, no need to be right. Just share all kinds of possibilities and ideas, and then, go down the list together, and look at each one and discuss the pros and cons of each. Then you get to decide as a couple what would make the most sense.
All the best!
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
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