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Family opinion VS etiquette, help!

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Post #1 of 3 (4839 views)

Family opinion VS etiquette, help!

This is a rather complicated problem.

I am 33, divorced and have a 12 year old son. My fianc� has never been married before. Even though he and his family have agreed on having a small ceremony (involving my son), they would like a large reception... About 140 people. They offered to pay, so I saw no reason to say no.

We decided to have the family only ceremony at a small patio area buy the parking lot of the caterers. I picked out an informal, cream color, wedding dress that looks very much like a bridesmaid dress with a small train.

I have an older sister who lives by the Miss Manners code of etiquette. I love and respect her opinion but recently there is a rift between us.

When I asked my older sister to be maid of honor, she told me that I was making a "public spectacle" by having anything other than a house wedding, with only family in attendance. That I shouldn't have a gown, I can not have bridesmaids and also, I have no right to have a shower. Needless to say, she turned down being in the wedding and has left me heart broken. Ever since I have had no fun or joy in making wedding plans.

Is she right? Should I listen to her? Will I be making a spectacle of myself?

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Post #2 of 3 (4838 views)

Re: [In reply to]

Dear Broken Hearted,

Given only the information you provided, your sister seems cruel and petty.
If she truly does follow etiquette, she would know that etiquette should
never be used to make someone else feel bad about him/her-self. With that
said, most second time brides have at least one attendant. As for showers,
many second time brides are opting instead for a spa day with close friends.
I am guessing there must be some other issues clouding this question.
Please call your sister and ask her to lunch. I would hope that she has
your happiness at heart. See if you can figure out her hidden agenda here.

If the lunch does not clear the air, know that it is her issue and you need
to seize any joy you can in life. Celebrate the happy occasions.

I wish you all the best,
Jodi

Family Psychotherapist

Post #3 of 3 (4837 views)

Re: [In reply to]

I think all the plans you have made sound wonderful. Please dont be downhearted by your sister's reaction. I can understand that you feel hurt she does not want to be maid of honor, but dont let this cast a cloud over your wedding day.

Your sister sounds rather behind the times and does not seem to know about the etiquette which has grown up around the increased numbers of weddings which are a second wedding for either the bride, groom or both.

I hope that before 'the day' your sister agrees to come to the wedding, but there is no way you are making a spectacle of yourself. I do hope you can go on to enjoy the planning, the day, and your life together.