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Shari
New User
Jun 16, 2005, 2:03 PM
Post #1 of 4
(1729 views)
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Ex-in-law's role in a second wedding
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Hi.
I'm new here and engaged to be married in September. I have been married before, my fiance has not. We are planning a small but traditional ceremony (which is what he wants). We will be married in a church with 2-3 attendants and about 100 guests.
I am 32, he is 40, and we have a unique family (bear with me, this is relevant). I have two children, one of which is really my ex-husband's. I do not differentiate them and refer to them both as "mine". I figure the one has had enough loss in his life to have been abandoned by 2 parents (both of which live within 30 miles of here and it has been years since he's seen either parent). Besides that, I have been in his life since he was 3 1/2. He is now 16.
I was married to my ex-husband for almost 10 years. He had little to do with his own son in that time and frequently physically abused him. My ex-husband had many blatant affairs, spent hundreds of dollars on internet and phone sex lines, and really did spend more than he made. His own mother beleives he probably has a mental illness, but he refuses help. I stayed with him for my step-son, who I felt would have been left for the wolves had I walked out. I was the only parent involved in his life, so keeping school issues (that caused a lot of beatings) away from his dad was easy. And this is what I did for years. When I accidentally became pregnant with another child (beleive me, an accident), and that child was born, I was hopeful this one would be different. But when I came home from work one day and found the newborn lying in the exact same spot and diaper that I had left him in hours earlier, I knew nothing had changed and what I had to do - for BOTH of my boys.
I really struggled with the religious aspect of this situation. I had taken a vow of "til death do us part", and I meant it. I had been thru years of counseling with this man, after each affair I caught him in, we would go back again and again, and things never changed. He refused counseling with his son (tho his son was in therapy for YEARS - still is). I really really tried to make that marriage work, but for the safety of myself and the boys, I felt we had to leave.
We finally did, and with my ex-in-law's blessings. They were instrumental in helping to make it happen. They supported me 100% and saw there was no other options.
Now I am engaged to be married again. I am still close with my ex-in-law's ("outlaws"), as my own family lives far away. My boys do not see their father, he pays no support, etc, so I am the one that makes sure they have a good relationship with his family, and in turn, we all remain close. The "outlaws" are delighted for me, and they truly love the man I am marrying. They realize the problems their own son has, and have tried to get him help, as we all have, but its just not happening. They are delighted to have a man in their grandsons' lives that accepts them, is a role model, and supports them. I beleive they truly are thankful for him, as much as I am.
My fiance and I not only want to have them attend our wedding (and they even brought up that they would like to be invited, if we are comfortable with it), I would like to know if it would be totally inappropriate to ask them to say a blessing at the ceremony? For me, to have them bless our marriage would be like a closure and acceptance of a bad situation, and acknowledgment and acceptance of a new and better one.
Ideas and input, please? Would this be opening up a can of worms and a recipe for disaster, or could it be the "completing" piece of the ceremony that I'm looking at it to be? Any other suggestions on how they could be a part?
Thank you in advance for any suggestions.
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Jun 16, 2005, 7:33 PM
Post #2 of 4
(1719 views)
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Re: [Shari] Ex-in-law's role in a second wedding
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Wow Shari...well, in your unique situation, as long as all parties are agreeable and get along, I think that asking the inlaws to participate in your wedding ceremony is appropriate for you.
These family members are blessed to have you as a daughter, mother, sister, etc. You sound wonderfully level headed and I wish you and your boys much deserved happiness.
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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Shari
New User
Jun 17, 2005, 12:03 AM
Post #3 of 4
(1714 views)
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Re: [the_admin] Ex-in-law's role in a second wedding
[In reply to]
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Thank you for your kind regards and input.
Do you have any suggestions or ideas on what to have them do? Tho my fiance and I know the "meaning" behind this, many of the guests in attendance (my fiance's family that doesn't live close by) may not, and I want it to be meaningful without being tacky for them.
My ex MIL writes the newspaper column for the church, perhaps just let her write something of her own.
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Jun 17, 2005, 6:56 AM
Post #4 of 4
(1711 views)
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Re: [Shari] Ex-in-law's role in a second wedding
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If you allow her to write something on her own you do run the risk that you might not approve of what she writes and then you'll have to deal with that issue. But, if you think this won't be a problem then certainly ask her if she'd like to write, keyword is "ask". 
She could do a reading during the ceremony or help hand out programs. Any way you feel comfortable allowing her to participate will be appropropriate I'm sure.
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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