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In a 20 year marriage with no love and meeting a widower from my church

Lola
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Post #1 of 2 (899 views)

In a 20 year marriage with no love and meeting a widower from my church

My family and I have been going to a small church for approx. 6 years. My 20-year marriage has been more of a friendship for the past 12 years. My husband has slept in the basement for those 12 years. We have stayed together to give our children a loving Christian upbringing. We faithfully attend church each Sunday. Through our church bulletin I started to see prayer requests for a family who had the mother/wife dying. She passed away. The first time I saw the widower was the Sunday after his wife passed away. He was very distraught and I felt compassion for what he was going through. Months later I started noticing him attending church more regularly. I began looking for him each Sunday. I was pleased to see that he was handling things so well considering his loss. By chance I found him on an internet site similar to My Space. I decided to send him a word of encouragement to keep the faith. We began corresponding and found we had so much in common. We knew we were falling in love even before we met each other. When we met, it was love at first sight. We began to date and within a month our families knew about our relationship. My husband has been very supportive and is happy for us. We have now been dating for over a year and my husband and I are in the process of going through a "friendly" divorce. We have been able to include my widower friend into our family and my children love him. We often do family activities with my children, my husband and my widower friend. My widower friend and I have plans to marry some time next year.

Now to the problem ... our church does not know about our circumstance. Because the church is so small, we have been struggling with how to go public with things. We love the church and do not want to leave. My husband, my widower friend and I would like to be supported by the church and be allowed to stay. I fear that our situation will become a huge scandal and that people will judge us harshly rather than being compassionate for our situation. We are thinking of meeting with the pastor privately and sharing our situation with him. I hope and pray that there is some way to go public without it affecting my kids' perception of the church they know and love. Is there a positive Christian-based way to go public with the church?

RevSusanna
INTERFAITH MINISTER & AUTHOR / Moderator

Post #2 of 2 (890 views)

Re: [Lola] In a 20 year marriage with no love and meeting a widower from my church [In reply to]

You already have the most important thing, the love and support of your family. A blessing!

To your question: Jesus taught compassion above all else, and to love and treat our neighbors as we would ourselves. Christianity also teaches that as we judge others, so we will be judged. I think having a private, honest and open hearted conversation with your pastor is key. He can be instrumental in helping you through this. Having said that, you cannot control people's reactions. You can only appeal to their higher nature. Know that how they react says more about them than you. If members of your church hurt your children or your family, you will have a choice to make of staying with the church or leaving it.
Before taking every step, why not pray for God's spirit to fill you and guide you through? You will be led. Then trust in the outcome whatever it may be.
A prayer for a peaceful resolution...
Rev. Susanna
Reverend Susanna
Joining Hands and Hearts: Interfaith, Intercultural Wedding Celebrations : A Practical Guide for Couples