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anthonyr
New User
Feb 20, 2006, 4:15 PM
Post #1 of 2
(1470 views)
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daughter and fiance in feud
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My fiance and my daughter don't get . 26 yr old daughter wants to attend the wedding.
8 months ago I proposed to her and we stated making plans for a small wedding in Hawaii,. She wanted just the two of us . My daughter suggested several months ago that she wished to come and take pics (very good amateur photagrapher w/ excel equip).
I didn't mention it to my fiance because I really didnt think daughter would make it there with no financial help from me (money).
It is now 3 months before the wedding and my daughter wants to make arrangments to go to the wedding with her boyfriend and spend a day with us on our honeymoon in Hawaii. We had only talked of this being a wedding for two, but on my part because I thought no one would/could come because of distance, cost and time. Now I had to talk to my fiance about the fact my daughter wants to attend and wishes to take the photos. Fiance was set on a wedding for two. She does not want it any other way. So my daughter calls the house got my fiance and asked about details and gets to hear form her that she is not invited that this is a wedding for two. Words are exchanged mostly from my angy daughter.
Now I have a daughter that does not want me to marry, as well as being very mad and hurt. A fiance that does not want anyone, especially my daughter, to attend. She even gave me the ring back. Bottom line, I want my daughter to come, not because of the fit she threw, but in spite of it. I want to share this with my daughter or anyone else that wishes to attend. So, it is marry, and most possibly lose a relationship with daughter, or possibly lose my woman.
How do I make the peace?
(This post was edited by anthonyr on Feb 21, 2006, 4:31 PM)
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
/ Moderator
Feb 24, 2006, 12:29 PM
Post #2 of 2
(1448 views)
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Re: [anthonyr] daughter and fiance in feud
[In reply to]
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It sounds like they are putting you in a difficult position. It's difficult to say what the issues are or the extent of them, between your fiance and your daughter, but it has reached the point where your wedding is being called off because of it, so this is significant.
It's unfortunate that you had not voiced your desire about having your daughter there, a long time ago as you were planning the wedding. Your fiance has been under the impression for some time now that you both wanted the same thing - a wedding for two. So it would look to her now like you are just "giving in" to what your daughter wants. If she had known that your choice would have been to have her at the wedding all along, she may have been more amenable, and at least not so taken aback.
Your daugher's request is not necessarily unreasonable, however the way she found out about the plans, has put her on the warpath because she has felt excluded without even being informed of the intended plans. I guess you could say they both feel hurt and disappointed and are reacting by putting you in an impossible situation.
At this point, it may not be so much about making peace, just so you can get on with your plans, as it is about starting the process over by being totally honest with your partner about what you want and then working from there to see if there is any compromise. When blending families, you need to be even more upfront than in other situations, and plan everything ahead, which requires honesty and respect for each person in the situation and where they are coming from. If there are significant issues between your fiance and your daughter, perhaps counselling with someone well versed in blended families and the preparation necessary before marriage, would be a good option. There is also a very good book out there title "STEPWARS - OVERCOMING THE PERILS AND MAKING PEACE IN ADULT STEPFAMILIES" by Grace Bage, M.D. and Jean Lipman-Blumen, PhD. which you both might want to read and discuss before going any further. If there is this much conflict before the wedding, you really need to get informed of the challenges ahead of you and assess if this is what you both want for your lives.
I would also wonder if there was not much open communication in preparation for the wedding, how many other important issues have remained un-discussed that really need to be dealt with before marriage. Take this time to really assess your situation and reflect on what you both want from this marriage and your life together and if you need professional help with this, be sure to get it before taking the next step.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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