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carla
New User
Nov 10, 2004, 12:58 PM
Post #1 of 7
(4436 views)
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Excluding groom's child from a late night wedding
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Hello, I´m planning my wedding, I´m single with no children but my future husband is divorced and has a little child of 2 years old. By the time of the wedding he´ll be hardly 3 years old. My concern is that I can not imagine this little child in the wedding ceremony or in the party, because he is so little that he will need the company, support and attention of his father and this is really making me feel very sad or even angry, because I would like that the day of the wedding, my husband is celebrating and enjoying that day with me, as the "special day for the couple". I´m from Argentina, and here we use to have wedding celebrations very late at night, so they are very enjoyed by adults, not exactly by little children.
My last thought is that even when we can have some relatives (as the child´s grandmother or aunts) to take care of the child during the wedding, when he needs his father, no matter the presence of the relative, obviously the child will need his father attention, and this is exactly what I do not want for that day...I´d like to enjoy that day with no concerns about what is doing or not doing my future husband ´s child.
What is your advise? Thanks a lot to anyone who can help me....Kind regards from Argentina.
(This post was edited by the_admin on Feb 1, 2008, 6:34 PM)
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Jill
Family Psychotherapist
Nov 11, 2004, 2:46 AM
Post #2 of 7
(4431 views)
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I think that what you have to keep in mind is that you are marrying a man who is also a father. You need to talk to your future husband about your feelings, but your wedding day will be a family wedding because of the child. Why not ask the grandmother to care for the little boy during the ceremony, and be prepared that he may need to be close to his dad at some point - and then have a 'grown-ups only' late evening party. This little boy is here to stay!
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!
(This post was edited by the_admin on Feb 1, 2008, 6:31 PM)
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emily4families
Novice
Nov 11, 2004, 9:01 PM
Post #3 of 7
(4417 views)
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Good for you to seek support.
I'm curious about what this little boy's needs bring up for you. Why does anticipating his need for his father make you upset and angry? While this day is very special, I'm concerned that there's a whole lot more here than just the wedding needing to be a certain way.
As Jill said, you are marrying a man who is a father, and his little boy is going to be your stepson and a part of your life for the rest of your life.
In my wedding ceremony, I made a point of honoring my stepdaughters and acknowledged that I was not only committing to their father, but to them as well.
Have you committed yourself to this little boy? If not, you may want to look at why. And if so, then embrace his sweet presence in your life, and especially in your wedding, even if just for a moment in the beginning.
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
(This post was edited by the_admin on Feb 1, 2008, 6:31 PM)
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carla
New User
Nov 12, 2004, 12:11 PM
Post #4 of 7
(4411 views)
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Jill..thanks a lot for your quick answer...The issues I find are several: for example the little child does not feel very identified with the grandmother...so it´s probable that he will not want to do what she says or be with her the whole night, specially in the ceremony, in which I feel very sad imagining that when I´m in the aisle and altar (I don´t know exactly if this is the right word in English...I´m from Argentina...) going towards my future husband in order to commit each other our love and respect, the child will want to be in his father hands...And I feel this is very special for the couple...So how to manage this? I´ve already talked this with my future husband and he agree with me that he will feel more comfortable if the child is not in the wedding...but I have mixed feelings about it...Sometimes I feel very very guilty, but on the other hand I´d like to avoid situations like the one I described before...I´m very appreciating your help, because I´ve never lived something like this before, and I´ve never imagined living it...so I don´t know how to act...Anyway I´m going to a therapist, she´s helping me...but anyway I´m trying to obtain as much support as I can...Thank you, your support is very important for me. KInd regards...
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carla
New User
Nov 12, 2004, 12:30 PM
Post #5 of 7
(4410 views)
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Re: [emily4families] Please, advise...need help
[In reply to]
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Emily...I thank you so much your words, as well as to Jill. You´re right....I´m still not committed to this boy... I find it so hard...I´ve never imagined before living a situation like this...It´s real that my internal concern is deeper than the "day of the wedding" : I need to accept this little child first of all, I think that´s the only way I´ll find easier the plans I have with my future husband. As I said before in my reply to Jill, I´ve talked several times with my fiance about the presence of the child in our wedding and he says he will feel more comfortable if he´s not present, because he won´t be able to take care of him. So I see that my fiance decides based on "practice", just thinking about it very simple, based on facts (and obviously thinking on what I feel, I guess)...On the opposite it´s me that wants to take a decision based on the fact that I still do not accept the child. I think that when I´m able to accept him, I´ll be able to keep it simple and decide the child presence in a very simple way...out of any feeling of angry or sadness...Just thinking what´s the best in terms of "practice", as my fiance says...
Thanks...Thanks again...I´m feeling very sad about this situation and I don´t know anyone who has lived this before to ask for advise....Kind regards!!!
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emily4families
Novice
Nov 12, 2004, 9:43 PM
Post #6 of 7
(4399 views)
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I'm very moved by what you've shared, and am glad to know that you are working with a therapist around these issues. Not knowing how to handle something you've never considered dealing with can be very scary -- and can bring up emotions like sadness and guilt.
One thing you might want to explore with your therapist is what life was like for you when you were around 2-3 years old. Perhaps this little boy is a wonderful gift to you -- is it possible that his needing his father so much is showing you something about yourself?
It is my belief that once you get the gifts he is bringing to you in your heart, you will be able to accept him and be grateful for his presence in your life.
Blessings to you and all of your gifts!
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
(This post was edited by the_admin on Feb 1, 2008, 6:32 PM)
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Jill
Family Psychotherapist
Nov 13, 2004, 9:05 AM
Post #7 of 7
(4386 views)
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Thank you for replying - I am glad to see you are working with a therapist - sorting out as much as possible before the wedding will certainly help your relationship after the wedding day!
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!
(This post was edited by the_admin on Feb 1, 2008, 6:32 PM)
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