Ex getting married, hasn't told me or his daughter and I don't want her to be a part of it!?!?!

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Ex getting married, hasn't told me or his daughter and I don't want her to be a part of it!?!?!

kujo888
New User

Aug 22, 2005, 1:33 AM

Post #1 of 4 (4111 views)

Ex getting married, hasn't told me or his daughter and I don't want her to be a part of it!?!?!

Ok this is complicated... My ex and I have a 2 year old daughter, and we were NEVER married. I have found out through friends that he is getting married to his girlfriend who has a 3 year old son, she is the same age as me--23. I get the feeling that he is trying to hide the fact that he is getting married, I don't know why. He lives in Tucson, AZ and I live in Riverside, CA. I do not like or get along with his girlfriend/fiance, because she has been very rude and pushy with me (through emails and internet contact). I have repeatedly asked her to avoid any contact with me and my daughter. I have more unwanted contact from her than contact with my ex. My ex rarely sees our daughter (maybe 4 times a year) and has never called or never told her he loves her or that he is her daddy. So she only knows him as Austin- his name, she has no idea who he is and screams and cries when she sees him (he has been mean to her in the past). I only allow him to vist with all of us together mostly beacause of trust and temper issues, besides my daughter won't leave with him anyway, and I have told him that his girlfriend is NOT welcome around my daughter. He has agreed to that and it has been only him coming for visits, which I think it should be, I think he needs to concentrate on forming a relationship with our daughter before he introduces her to his fiance or her son. And right now I do not want my daughter to be influenced by either one of them, but I allow him in her life because I want her to know her father. When she gets older she can decide for herself if she wants a relationship with him and his new family or not, but right now I go by her word and actions and do not trust my ex. I do not agree with some of his fiances' actions or morals (examples: pictures on the internet of her kissing other females, her not properly caring for her son, her son cussing, throwing tantrums and not behaving properly etc). My ex doesn't seem to care about visits much and just kinda goes with the flow and sits around because my daughter will not approach him, however I am worried he will be pressured by his girlfiend/fiance and family to include my daughter in his wedding. I feel very strongly about this and DO NOT want my 2 year old daughter to be a part of their wedding. Do you think I am wrong or what do you suggest I do? PLEASE HELP ME! Crazy

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor / Moderator

Aug 23, 2005, 3:08 PM

Post #2 of 4 (4088 views)

Re: [kujo888] Ex getting married, hasn't told me or his daughter and I don't want her to be a part of it!?!?! [In reply to]

I absolutely agree with you not wanting your daughter to be involved in the wedding, especially at this time. This is a complicated situation and I also agree that before she would ever get involved with your ex’s new family, there needs to be some progress made in the relationship between your ex and your daughter. First of all, do you both intend to tell her someday that this is her father because in the not so distant future she will want to know where and who her daddy is. You need to know beforehand how you plan to handle this. Do you have a plan to tell and if so, when will that be?

The main reason of course that it would be inappropriate for her to go to this wedding is that she is obviously not wanting to be or go anywhere with him without you present and his actions have left you wondering if you can even trust him. It wouldn’t be fitting given the circumstances for you to attend, nor would you want to, nor would she ever be able to go without you so that’s really your answer in short form. And my next question would be why should she be involved? As far as she’s concerned, this isn’t her father and she has absolutely no connection to these people. It would only be a reasonable situation if you were going to be going and it was promising to be a comfortable and enjoyable day for both of you and this is hardly likely, I’m sure you would agree. Chances are you may never have to deal with them asking her to be in attendance at the wedding anyway, because the new fiancé may not even want to have his daughter around on that day, as she is a reminder of his former life with you.

The easy question and answer here is about her attending the wedding. The bigger and more complex questions have to do what is in her best interests. For example there are alarm bells going off for me with respect to how he’s treated her and her subsequent negative reactions toward him. Do you suspect abuse of any kind and what do you mean when you say he has been “mean” to her in the past? She certainly has a strong reaction to him. If you know with absolute certainty that abuse is not the issue here, and feel that she can have a relationship with him in time that is one thing, but first and foremost her care and safety are the most important thing and it sounds like you are aware of this and playing it safe.

There is a lot to sort through here and your instincts are correct that your ex and daughter need a solid relationship before any other arrangements would ever be made. And then the two of them having a chance at a good relationship of any kind will hinge on how he treats her and demonstrates to you that things have vastly improved.

Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

kujo888
New User

Aug 23, 2005, 7:45 PM

Post #3 of 4 (4085 views)

Re: [yvonne"instep"] Ex getting married, hasn't told me or his daughter and I don't want her to be a part of it!?!?! [In reply to]

Thank you so much for helping me. I am fighting with myself because I am worried I will be told by his distant relatives or parents that I am wrong or just being mean. And that is not what I want to do or be I just want what is best for my daughter. And you brought up a great point... when am I or when is anyone going to tell her that he is her father. WOW, I haven't thought that through... you see my daughter and I live with my dad, who supports both of us so that I can be a stay at home mom. And I do not mean just support I mean he makes sure that we have everything we need and want, he is basically a "dream" dad to her (teaching her how to ride a bike, going fishing with her etc.). He is what I want her to have in her life as far as a male role model (my mother died in his arms 3 years ago from breast cancer and they were married at 18 and had a "model" marriage and life together). Unlike her father who talks down about females and is verbally abusive to her and I, and he was starting to physically abuse me when we decided to move to California with my father. I figured that would be the best for her and I. My daughter basically saved my life from abuse, I, so stupidly put up with it thinking he would change, but after I had her I had an eye opening moment when my ex told her (she was 1 mo old) that if she kept crying and spitting her pacifier out that he would take her pacifier away and let her scream! He would also make fun of the small skin tags that she was born with on her ears (she no longer has them) calling her "dumbo", or "she has gills" or "she has wings" etc. and that was it for me I DID NOT want my daughter growing up with that kind of life and I knew he had a temper from my run ins with him, so I didn't give him a chance to phsyically hurt my daughter, but I am sure it would have gotten there. And I know from conversations with him that he doesn't know how to properly care for a child. He has told me about situations with his girlfriends/fiances son where he would hold him down and make him cry so much he would throw up. Or he would tell me that her son would say the f-word and other cuss words and I asked where he got that from and he said well from me and his mother, like it was no big deal or that he had such a temper and never listened to his mom (because she is never there, she is always out with friends on the party scene)but that the little boy would listen to him because he is mean and he scares him!!! I got really scared after hearing that.

My ex rarely ever comes around 4 times a year maybe, and when he does it is on his schedule and he just emails and says I will be there at this time and day. And he repeatedly gets pressure from the family and his folks to take her alone (as in me being absent). I have refused so far and he gets so angry with me. But I think he needs to work on his relationship with her before he goes showing her off to family. I mean this is the guy who was absent and cheating on me while I was pregnant (after asking me to get an abortion). I was in the hospital for sickness and bleeding many times and while I was in he told me to get out because he wasn't going to pay for the bill, or that I just wanted attention!! And then while I was in labor he would leave for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I mean not like normal to the hospital caffeteria he went out to eat with a girl. And then after my daughter was born left me alone with her while he went shopping. He came back into the room around midnight with a playstation saying he needed something to keep him from being bored!!!!!!!!!!!!! He never held our daughter once, or told her he loved her. She woke up during the night crying and he turned the lamp on and said are you going to get her and when i said yes he turned over and fell back to sleep. Then he woke me up in the morning asking to sleep in the bed, making me go to the chair because the chair was uncomfotable and he hadn't slept all night!!!!!! Well that is just the tip of the iceberg.... I don't have enough strength to write it all and I am sure you do not have enough time. :) But to make a long story short... aside from the wedding (which I am going to politely refuse if she is asked), I do not know what to do about telling her that he is her dad. I want her to at least know who he is. But if it weren't for his parents telling him that he'd better visit to keep his reputaion looking good, or so he doesn't look like a dead beat that I don't know if he would come around. So I do want to tell her but I am not sure when she will be able to comprehend the whole situation?!?!?!?!? I really want what is best for her. If she grows up and says she wants to spend more time with him or move with him than that is her choice (as long as it is not in a fit or rage or the result of a mother daughter fight)- as much as it would hurt me I want whatever makes her happy. Thank you so much for your time and response. It makes me feel better to get an "outsiders" opinion rather than a biased one from family. :) I am so lost about this... I worry so much that he will try to take her, and not because he loves her because he would want to stick it to me and show that he has more power. :(

Thanks again,

Kristin

(This post was edited by kujo888 on Aug 23, 2005, 7:47 PM)

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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor / Moderator

Aug 27, 2005, 9:33 AM

Post #4 of 4 (4048 views)

Re: [kujo888] Ex getting married, hasn't told me or his daughter and I don't want her to be a part of it!?!?! [In reply to]

I would suggest that you get legal counsel around some of these issues so that you know your options with regards to custody for you and visitation for your ex, if that is even appropriate at this time. I have to say that what you've said with regards to him here, leads me to wonder if you even think a relationship between him and your daughter is in her best interests at all. He has been abusive of you and talks openly about mistreating children. I would have real concerns, as you do. I would suggest getting professional legal advice before doing anything else.

I wish you all the best.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

(This post was edited by yvonne"instep" on Aug 27, 2005, 9:33 AM)