Ask the Experts

Home: Second Weddings: Including Children:
Children and weddings

sharon01
New User

Post #1 of 2 (2247 views)

Children and weddings

I am 36 years old and I am getting married for the 2nd time. I was married previously for 17 years and I have 4 children; 3 boys and 1 girl, (boys age 16, 12 and 6 and girl age 10). They all live with their father. The children know that I am getting married and so does the ex-husband. My daughter is going to be bridesmaid and her father seems fine with that. The three boys have "issues" with my new partner since they believe it was because of him that I left their father, which is untrue. My eldest son has said he may like to "give me away", which I was quite shocked about, however if he and his father get into an argument his moods change and he often says that he only wants to give me away because it will annoy his father. I dont know what to do about this issue.

The other two remaining boys have ADHD and are very boisterous. My partner has stated that our wedding day is a day for us to enjoy and he doesn't want me to be running around trying to control my two boys. Should I let them come to the church or just the reception? I am getting really stressed out about this and I don't know what to do. Please help !!!!!

(This post was edited by the_admin on Nov 4, 2005, 6:54 AM)

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor / Moderator

Post #2 of 2 (2232 views)

Re: [sharon01] Children and weddings [In reply to]

First of all, any transition for your children, particularely re-marriage is always difficult for them. The majority of children want to see their parents back together and often blame the new person for "being in the way" or causing the break-up even if it didn't happen that way. If you want them to accept this new relationship it's going to take a lot of patience, time and understanding on your part about how they might be feeling. They have chosen none of this so imagine how that feels.

First we'll look at your son giving you away. This isn't a typical role but if it's one you want him to have and he's sincere then by all means. Have a heart-to-heart with him and let him know that even if he's having difficulty accepting the new situation, you will give him as much time as he needs. You want him to be involved in the wedding if that's what he wants. However, this should not be used as an opportunity for him to get a dig in at his own dad or make him angry. He probably wants to get angry at both of you because he's not happy about the situation, but if you allow him to talk and share his feelings without judging him or trying to change his mind, then maybe he'll have less of a need to get back at his dad in this way because he's had a chance to appropriately vent his feelings with you.

For the other children, it would be optimum if they could attend the ceremony as well because remarrriages with children are really family weddings. Is is possible to get a friend or family member to sit with them or keep them occupied that day so that you don't have to watching them or "running after them" as your finance fears might happen? Once again, if you take their feelings into consideration here and let them know that they are a part of this new family right from the start, then I think you'll get less resistance down the road. It would also be good to sit down with them and hear how they're feeling. It doesn't mean you're going to change your mind about marrying this man just because they might say otherwise, but let them know you understand, that you'll give them as much time as they need and that you'll always be there for them. Much of their anxiety is about "losing" their parent to another person, and the time that they had with you that was special. Reassure them that this won't happen and you may begin to get a more positive reaction from them.

When entering into complex situations such as this it may also be wise to do some reading on the subject of blended families beforehand or to get some pre-remarriage counselling from someone well versed in this area. It could save you a lot of heartache down the road.

Good Luck!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

(This post was edited by yvonne"instep" on Nov 7, 2005, 12:20 PM)