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ajenilynn
New User
May 2, 2006, 6:36 PM
Post #1 of 7
(4649 views)
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upset sister - cut me out of her life
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I am pleased to say that I am getting re-married in May of 2007. I have been dating this wonderful man for 4 years and we are both ready to make it official. It is his first marriage and my 2nd. We are both in our late 30's. I had the regular pomp and circumstance with my first wedding and my fiance has decided he's not in to having all that with his first. We've discussed the type of wedding we've wanted over the last year or so. We have decided to have a small wedding that will involve my daughter, his brother as the best man, my best friend and greatest supporter of this relationship as my maid of honor and her hubby. We are flying in a helicopter that fits 6 people to the top of a bluff outside of Las Vegas.
Herein lies my problem. I have an one sister. She is older than me and was my maid of honor in my first wedding. As soon as she found out we were engaged, she said "I'd better be at the wedding!!" To which I said "well, we're not really sure what we're doing yet". That's when it started. She has been acting very peculiar ever since. She continued probing about the ceremony we were planning and eventually I had to tell her we were only going to have the 6 people mentioned above. When I realized how deeply it hurt her, I was trying to make arrangements for another helicopter for her, her hubby and my 3 nieces and nephews. This was not good enough, since she then considered her family an "after thought". When I tried to ask her about it last week, she admitted she's having a hard time talking to me since I chose 5 other people over her. I tried to tell her we are having a huge celebration afterwards and was asking her if she'd help me plan that. She said "I won't". I told her (after my anger and defenses started to rise) that "this isn't about you and I refuse to let you make me feel guilty about this!" She said "Well, you are.." I had no choice but say "Thanks, I love you." and hang up as I could see the conversation was escalating quickly. She and I do some medical billing together. After the phone conversation she promptly cut me off from the work computer. When I emailed her saying "I'd love to talk about this when you're ready and that I love you no matter what...and, by the way, I can't seem to use the work computer", she emailed me back saying how I hurt her so deeply that she can no longer work with me. I was instructed to return the work I had and that she wanted her house key back. She went on to say that I didn't value her, that she was unimportant to me and that things will never be the same. She said she won't hurt the kids so she expected us to do major holidays and birthdays together. The last thing she said was "I don't want to have to deal with this or you more than I have to."
Sorry to be so long winded, but I'm just gutted. I returned the work to her home on Saturday. She wasn't home, there was just an envelope on the door with my last "pay check" in it and a very rude note on it. I've not spoken to her or responded to her email as I know it will do no good (past experience has taught me this)
I've been told by my friends and my own mother that I have the right to choose the wedding I see fit to have and that she is just reacting to her hurt feelings. I guess my question is "am I valid in feeling that cutting me out of her life is a bit extreme for wanting a simple wedding?" And, "is having your best friend as your maid of honor inappropriate for a 2nd wedding when your own sister is not going to be there?"
Thank you for your time and response. After reading this, I think we'd both to better to see a family counselor!
Sincerely,
Jen
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Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
May 3, 2006, 1:31 PM
Post #2 of 7
(4637 views)
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Re: [ajenilynn] upset sister - cut me out of her life
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Dear Jen,
Hopefully this is not your 'real' name. This is an open forum and it is best to use another name.
It is very common to use friends as MOH. You sister is just hurt. From what you have said here, you did nothing wrong. So, hopefully with time, she will calm down.
Best wishes,
Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com
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Jill
Family Psychotherapist
May 15, 2006, 10:58 AM
Post #3 of 7
(4610 views)
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Re: [ajenilynn] upset sister - cut me out of her life
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I am so sorry to read about your situation. It sounds as if your sister has had a truly major reaction to your decision - can you think of any other reason why this should be so painful for you? Sometimes the reason people give is not the whole picture. Do you have a relative who can be a go between? It would be sad to leave the rift as it is - I would think that sharing holidays would be very difficult to do without somehow clearing the air.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!
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ajenilynn
New User
May 15, 2006, 1:31 PM
Post #4 of 7
(4611 views)
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Re: [Jill] upset sister - cut me out of her life
[In reply to]
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Hello, Jill!
Thank you for taking the time to respond. It's been 3 weeks and I'm sad to say that nothing has changed.
My sister has a history of writing people off when pushed into a corner or when she is unhappy with a situation. Her solution is almost always to slam the door and not be bothered. She did the same thing to my Grandmother as well as our own mother. I was aware that she was capable of it, I just never thought she'd do it to me. I thought she might be disappointed at the ceremony I had chosen, but I certainly never thought she'd do this.
Past experience tells me that when she feels she's "over it", she will just start talking to me again as if nothing ever happened. I am not sure how long that will be as she is deeply hurt, more so than with my Mom or Grandmother. I am hurt too, but I feel one of us has to be understanding and tolerant of the other or we'll have this rift forever.
We are getting ready to book the plans for the helicopter wedding this week. There is an option that we can have guests driven to the site and then shuttled up to the mesa. After further discussion with my fiance, we have chosen that option so our parents can come. I want to have that option open for my sister's family, just in case. That was one other thing that really bothered me; we hadn't even finalized plans for the wedding and she knew I was actively trying to find a solution! She didn't give me a chance - she was more upset that it wasn't a "given" that she'd be there. Since we've decided to have the parents come, I feel it's only right that we invite her family as well. I don't know, however, how to tell her or even invite her as we have not spoken since the incident. My fiance is less tolerant of my sister's out burst and is not too happy that I'm willing to include her and her family. I know he will accept it if she does come, but he feels I'm enabling her behavior by just letting her "get away with it". Part of me is still very hurt by her actions, but I know expecting an apology or even an explanation from her is a lesson in futility. She's always been this way and I've always accepted her this way. I don't feel that she will learn a lesson from me as she feels she's done nothing wrong.
I wish she truly knew that I never meant to hurt her and just forgive and forget, so to speak. She's never been able to forgive, but she eventually forgets to some extent. It really is a sad situation and has made this fun event very stressful (already and it's still a year away!!)
Thanks again for reading - any input is much appreciated!
"this, too, shall pass"
~ajenilynn
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Jill
Family Psychotherapist
May 16, 2006, 1:48 AM
Post #5 of 7
(4605 views)
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Re: [ajenilynn] upset sister - cut me out of her life
[In reply to]
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why not write to her - from your letter to us you have a wonderful sensitive way of writing - so just speak from your heart, and tell her of your plans and that you truly hope she can be there.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!
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ajenilynn
New User
May 16, 2006, 12:53 PM
Post #6 of 7
(4602 views)
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Re: [Jill] upset sister - cut me out of her life
[In reply to]
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Thank you, Jill! That is a great idea. I am going to see her in a couple of weeks at my daugther's birthday party. I will see how things are between us, but in the mean time, I'll be composing my letter to her.
On a happier note, we have booked the wedding and they are able to add my sister's family if and when she decides to come. That has put my mind at ease as I will have a year to get things sorted out. 
Your help was much appreciated! Thank you for giving me a venue to bounce things off of people.
-ajenilynn
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Jill
Family Psychotherapist
May 17, 2006, 10:48 AM
Post #7 of 7
(4598 views)
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Re: [ajenilynn] upset sister - cut me out of her life
[In reply to]
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Do let us know how it goes.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!
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