Ask the Experts

Home: Second Weddings: Becoming a Blended Family:
stepmom issues: natural mother undermining stepfamily relationship

slg32664
New User

Post #1 of 7 (7006 views)

stepmom issues: natural mother undermining stepfamily relationship

I am engaged to a wonderful man...with a 9 year old son who lives 1700 miles away..we are planning to marry in June, he is going to see his son in May to tell him about me and how the house and living arrangements have changed. His ex-wife has already been prompting him with comments such as "She's not your mother, so you don't need to ever listen to her", and this past weekend his son dropped the bombshell that he will not come to visit this summer if I am there. I realize this puts my fiance' in a difficult position..but I realize I can't win this battle...he (my fiance') has already told me he will always pick his son above me...does this mean I can expect my walking papers?..I am so hurt that I can't even communicate with my fiance', and when I tried..he tells me not to worry..I am so very confused...do you have any advice for me?

(This post was edited by the_admin on May 4, 2004, 4:10 PM)

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 7 (7004 views)

Re: [slg32664] My fiance's son...and ex..... [In reply to]

Wow...that's a tough one. Sounds like the two of you need lots more discussion before you marry. While you wait for our family psychotherapist to respond please have a look at our page on step families at http://gettingremarried.com/second_marriage_children.html

There is a bok there that may interest you called: The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life

You may find this book helpful.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

Jill
Family Psychotherapist

Post #3 of 7 (7000 views)

Re: [slg32664] My fiance's son...and ex..... [In reply to]

There needs to be a lot more talking. I wonder why your fiance decided to wait until May to talk to his son about the changes in the family - it gave his ex an opportunity to get in there first with the news (told in her way). I am not clear how often your fiance sees his son, and I can see distance is a problem, but they need to meet, and soon.

Talk, and talk more as a couple. You need to be clearer about the situation - your fiance ('a wonderful man remember) must be very worried. So try to tackle this problem as a couple - don't let it divide you both.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!

slg32664
New User

Post #4 of 7 (6999 views)

Re: [Jill] My fiance's son...and ex..... [In reply to]

I appreciate the information, but unfortunately our communication on this subject is one way...his way!...I see it one way, he see's it the other...he feels like if he does not abide by his (very spoiled) son's wishes..he won't love him..like I said..it's a battle I don't feel like I will win

Jill
Family Psychotherapist

Post #5 of 7 (6994 views)

Re: [slg32664] My fiance's son...and ex..... [In reply to]

have you thought of seeing a counsellor together - there seems to be a lot to sort out if you are getting married in June.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!

slg32664
New User

Post #6 of 7 (6988 views)

Re: [Jill] My fiance's son...and ex..... [In reply to]

We have spoke of it, but I feel like it would be useless...he has already put the comment out ther "I will always choose my son"..so why put the time and effort into counseling?..If his son at his mothers prompting will never accept me, then I will get my walking papers....

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #7 of 7 (6987 views)

Re: [slg32664] My fiance's son...and ex..... [In reply to]

Why put the time and effort into it? If you have to ask then I have to question your level of interest in this man. If you really love him then counseling is the only answer. Do not go ahead and get married until this issue with his son is at least on the road to being solved or he admits that he loves you enough to work with his son. You haven't mentioned the age of the boy but whatever the age, he is playing his father like a well oiled instrument! It would be in the child's best interest as well as the father's best interests to have some professional counseling for his parenting skills as well.

Let's face it, we all love our children and would probably do anything for them but the bottom line is that these kids eventually grow up and leave the nest...then where will this dad be? I suspect unmarried.

I wish you much luck and patience.
I Do - Take Two Moderator