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westside
New User
Nov 14, 2005, 3:19 PM
Post #1 of 2
(2651 views)
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stepdaughter problems with second marriage
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I am looking for advice on how to deal with my stepdaughter. she is 10 and lives with us. we recently had a baby and she is extremly jealous and it has been very hard. I have tried to do things with just her, talk with her about it, but things do not seem to be getting any better.
her father will also spend time with her, talk with her etc. she is just extremly jealous of the baby. to the point of temper trantrums and pretending to be sick for atention or wanting negative attention.
there is a few more issues at play. her mother sucks, rarely ever calls or sees her. I never talk about her mom in a bad way to her, but I have tried to ask her about her feelings, because the major problems always happen either after she sees her mother or talks to her mother on the phone. She was also raised by her father, so I do understand that it has to be a very hard adjustment to go from living with only daddy, then daddy having a serious relationship to now a baby.
Her father and I have been togethor for a while, and I have been living with them for over a year. we had problems when I first moved in, then things got better and now since the baby they have been worse again.
I should add that we also have stress of having our house under construction. we recently bought a fixer upper and have been working on it. her father and I have also been arguing about the house.
I find that when I am mad at him, my tolerance for her is lower. she tends to project all her anger about her mother on me and normally I can deal with it, but when I am mad with him, i find that I just do not want to deal with the attitude.
I know that things should not be taken out on a 10 year old. I never yell at her or anything. I alway try to talk calmly, but somtimes I just can feel my blood pressure rising and will just take care of the baby and ignore her.
anyway, so I feel at a loss and sometimes I feel that it would be better to just tell them to leave my house and raise my baby alone. But I do love them both, but this stress is getting to me.
this weekend was the first weekend since may that she went to her mom's for the whole weekend. I have to admit that it was such a nice weekend, quit and peacful. but her mom will never be consistent.
I am also resentful over the fact that we have not been able to get married since he is still battling child support issues. see for the 1st year she lived with her mom and dad, then the dad took her, but there are custody issues and child support. we can not get married, because until it is corrected I do not want my income looked at as far as child support since the kid lives with us. currently i do not want to marry right now since there is so much stress, but we have been togethor for a long time and the court proceedings are getting old.
advice would be greatly appricated.
(This post was edited by the_admin on Jan 12, 2006, 10:23 AM)
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
/ Moderator
Jan 13, 2006, 12:54 PM
Post #2 of 2
(2558 views)
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Re: [westside] stepdaughter problems with second marriage
[In reply to]
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First of all its good that you can see and understand that none of this is your stepdaughter's fault. She is actually exactly the way you might expect her to be under the circumstances, ie. lots of change, less time with Dad to herself, mom not being consistent. The new baby is probably just the icing on the cake and she'll need as much time as she needs to adjust. It sounds like you're both trying very hard to be sensitive to her and her needs. One thing you can say to her is that you know it can't be easy sharing you both with a new baby and that you understand why she might be feeling upset at times. Children want and need to have their feelings recognized and validated and know that you will give them the time they need to adjust.
Having said that, there is also the toll that all of this places on your relationship as well as the stress of dealing with an unpredictable ex., not to mention the financial part of it. I would suggest that perhaps, because you are dealing with multiple variables at this point and that it is really becoming burdensome, that it would be a good time to seek out counselling with someone who understands blended family dynamics, before things become unmanagable. It is quite normal for these issues to take their toll on a relationship and that is why most second marriages with children don't make it without support and guidance to learn how to navigate through all of these issues. You have a lot of great reasons to try to work through these issues, and my experience is that with the right information and support families can really get things back on track.
Your partner and you need a plan on how to deal with the ex that minimizes the unpredicatability because this is contributing largely to your stepdaughter's issues. Also, remember that her acting out has little or nothing to do with you, but with the fact that she has unresolved feelings and probably feels completely powerless in the situation. Not personalizing a stepchild's anger is the first step in being able to deal with the behaviour because when we begin to see that it's not personal, we're able to deal with it in a much better way, for everyone involved.
You are doing a lot of the right things, but could probably benefit from some additional support. And remember not to get down on yourself for feeling frustrated or at a loss for what to do. These are difficult situations that test the best of us. I know because I am a stepmother myself (of two girls) and have felt all those same feelings.
With help, these issues can be resolved and you can go on to create the blended family that you and your parnter had planned on.
Best of Luck!!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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