Ask the Experts

Home: Second Weddings: Becoming a Blended Family:
stepchildren from a previous marriage

reesa
New User

Post #1 of 3 (2535 views)

stepchildren from a previous marriage

Hi I am getting married in June, I thought my fiance and I had a good understanding about my relationship with my stepchildren from a previous marriage. Fiance said he accepted them and admired me for having a continuing relationship with them even though I was not married to their father. I raised these three children for 9 years and have been a mother figure to them as their mother lives in another state and is unable or unwilling to have much to do with them outside of the occasional phone call. The eldest daughter lives with me and will be going away to college this summer. The boys live with dad and I have liberal visitation with them, which is phone contact anytime (boys have own cell phones) and see them about every two weeks. My fiance just told me last night that he resents my children and even though I think of them as my kids, he has difficulty accepting that. He has two children, late teens and early 20's. He says he feels horrible that he feels this way and has pushed down his feelings about this for several months. The eldest's father refuses to assist her financially as she is choosing a school that he does not want her to attend, and although I personally have the means to help her get there, my fiance is resentful at her father for not helping. He has made himself a counseling appointment to deal with his feelings. My question is this...how do I support him in his relationship with my children (he says he has prayed about it and wants to work through this issue) and at the same time ensure that my children are being accepted and not rejected. How do I work through my feelings of betrayal and hurt that he does not feel as he presented. I did tell him how I felt about it, however I am thankful that he did tell me. When we marry I will be moving to his home and there is a spare room if my boys want to come over or if eldest daughter visits from college. I would like it to be comfortable for everyone. His eldest boy lives with him. Thanks for any advice on this matter

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #2 of 3 (2523 views)

Re: [reesa] stepchildren from a previous marriage [In reply to]

Hi Reesa,

I would encourage him in seeking counseling. My guess is that he's threatened by the contact with the kids due to a remaining connection to your previous spouse.

Any actions you can take to decrease those fears would be helpful.

I can understand why you feel betrayed because he held this in for so long. Reesa, that would be one of the big things I would want him to work on in counseling. That's a red flag. It's important that both of you trust one another to communicate concerns openly and quickly in your marriage. Holding onto them like he has sets up problems, as you are experiencing now.

It seems to me that while he sees a distinction between the kids not being your "biological" children, you do not. There is NOTHING wrong with that. I think if you waiver in your relationship with these children for him, you will resent him and it will damage the relationship.

Finally, talk to him about what his REAL fears are (again I'm guessing it has to do with your ex-spouse) and see where the two of you can work on those together. I would strongly recommend doing some couples counseling together so that both of you feel confident that things are understood and accepted BEFORE you marry.

Best of luck! I hope that helps!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book

reesa
New User

Post #3 of 3 (2518 views)

Re: [Partner4Success] stepchildren from a previous marriage [In reply to]

Thank you for your advice and positives about remaining in my children's lives. Since I posted this he has contacted a counselor and is talking more openly about his feelings about it. He does state that it is resentment toward the biofather for not stepping up and that spilled over regarding the kids. I think you are correct about some insecurities regarding biodad and my contact. Again thank you and we are going to seek counseling together.