|
|
Anna
New User
Feb 24, 2005, 2:10 PM
Post #1 of 5
(3444 views)
|
remarriage
|
|
|
Had a hateful divorce finalised 2002. Children now 21 and 19. They will not have anything to do with me. They live with their father who took them in awful circumstances. They say they hate me. There is much pain and anger.
I have lived with my partner since 2002. They will have nothing to do with him.
I know their father, my ex, and my brother influences them and that does not help.
I have suffered the bereavement of my children. It is getting easier now my son is 21, although I was totally excluded and ignored. Believe me, none of this is justified.
I feel I want to allow myself some happiness. I want to marry my partner and have the chance to do so very soon.
I worry of course about the further devastation of my relationship with my children. But I deserve to be happy, I understand that.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Anna
|
|
|
|
emily4families
Novice
Feb 24, 2005, 6:44 PM
Post #2 of 5
(3438 views)
|
From what you've shared, I'm not quite sure what you're seeking advice about. There's something between you and your children that's painful and needs to be healed. I don't think you getting remarried or not getting remarried will have much to do with that healing one way or the other.
There's an excellent book called "StepWars: Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies" by Grace Gabe, and Jean Lipman-Blumen, that may be very helpful for you at this time. I got it on Amazon.com.
The best thing you can do in this situation is make peace in your own heart, and keep loving your children, even as they go through this painful time. You won't gain many points by making them wrong for how they feel, nor will you "win" by trying to figure out what you can or cannot do in order to somehow make them happy.
I wish you all the best,
Emily Bouchard
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
|
|
|
|
Anna
New User
Feb 27, 2005, 4:29 AM
Post #3 of 5
(3252 views)
|
I am trying to be happy and to take the chance of happiness again with someone who has proved a pillar of strength. Its for myself, and to heal my heart as I hope it will help to do. But also for my partner, who is very happy at the prospect of marrying me but who has nothing of the weight that I carry in my heart. He too has a son who has remained rational and matured into a good young man despite circumstances being similar to those my own family have gone through. My former husband is an angry, bitter man and this does not help. Yes there is pain that needs healing between myself and my children, but despite my efforts - which range from normal, valiant, desperate, extreme to downright ingenious - I am completely barred from my children - ousted, given little respect or importance - meaningless and unworthy. I have read 'Lost children' by Penny Cross and I fear parental alienation syndrome as the hat fits. What can I do to heal this pain when I cannot get to them? I have written to their father telling him what he is doing, damaging our children who we both love. I have spoken to the youngest and asked we meet, to get this anger and hurt out of her and to help her to heal. I get abuse, or am just ignored. Its as if my former husband (of 21 years) is conspiring to continue to control me by not allowing things to heal or to give me the opportunity of trying by keeping me apart from my children. So you see, it is not easy to be happy and my heart is heavy even though I am being offered the chance to move on and forward with my life and with someone who trully loves me and wants the best for me.
From what you've shared, I'm not quite sure what you're seeking advice about. There's something between you and your children that's painful and needs to be healed. I don't think you getting remarried or not getting remarried will have much to do with that healing one way or the other.
There's an excellent book called "StepWars: Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies" by Grace Gabe, and Jean Lipman-Blumen, that may be very helpful for you at this time. I got it on Amazon.com.
The best thing you can do in this situation is make peace in your own heart, and keep loving your children, even as they go through this painful time. You won't gain many points by making them wrong for how they feel, nor will you "win" by trying to figure out what you can or cannot do in order to somehow make them happy.
I wish you all the best,
Emily Bouchard
|
|
|
|
Anna
New User
Feb 27, 2005, 4:36 AM
Post #4 of 5
(3250 views)
|
Also, Emily, how and when, given the situation as I have described, do I let my children know of my remarriage? Do I invite them to the family gathering when we return from holiday? What is the best way to deal with letting them know?
|
|
|
|
emily4families
Novice
Mar 3, 2005, 11:48 AM
Post #5 of 5
(3042 views)
|
Dear Anna,
I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. I've been thinking a lot about your situation and your questions.
It certainly sounds like your ex-husband has been successful at "parental alienation" -- have you read Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak?
If it were earlier in the game, I would have recommended consulting a lawyer and/or mediator who understands parental alienation. From what you've shared, the damage is done, and your children are old enough to determine for themselves how to relate with you. You really have no say or control over that (as I'm sure you are painfully aware).
What I can offer to you are some resources that can help you heal your heart, so that you can embrace this chance for happiness. The book: The Grief Recovery Handbook by Russell Friedman and John James offers an exceptional, step by step process for healing through the pain and loss of your past.
I also have a "Total Truth Process" that I do with clients that can be very helpful in releasing old wounds, and freeing yourself from the past.
What I encourage people in your position to do is to look at the reality, and instead of fighting so hard against it or wishing it were different -- try on what it would feel like to embrace the reality for what it is and be present with it. Then your choices and options become more plentiful, and the right response for you will come clearly from your heart.
In terms of what to do about telling the children -- I recommend that you ask yourself this question:
"What would love do?" And, if you cannot access an answer, then ask yourself, "What am I afraid will happen if I treat them from a place of love?" You've experienced so much pain and rejection, that's it not at all surprising that you are not sure how to proceed.
Another question you may find helpful to answer is this: "Is there anything my children could do that would keep me from loving them?" I'm not recommending being a doormat with your love -- I'm asking about Love -- if you feel love for them in your heart, how would you best like to express it and show it -- irregardless of what they do with it.
There's a great quote from Mother Teresa: "I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." A tough and painful lesson, and one you're getting to experience deeply.
Thinking of you.
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
|
|
|
