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complex blending issue

jknight
New User

Post #1 of 5 (4244 views)

complex blending issue

Hi,
My partner and I are getting married on March 25. We live with my 8 year old son 10 months of the year. My son visits his dad in the Netherlands during the summer. We have been living and learning as a family fairly successfully since July 2005. We love each other and treat each other respectfully. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship. He was 15 when she was born and gave up parental rights fairly early. He didn't think he could be a good parent to her. His daughter has bounced between her mother and my partner's mother. My partner's mother currently has sole legal custody and placement. His daughter's parenting and living situation has been inconsistent at best. My partner is, for the first time, in a position where he feels he can provide a stable and nurturing environment for his daughter and has invited her to live with us. My partner is still concerned that he won't be able to meet her needs as a parent because he has missed so much. I am in 100% agreement with his decision and will support the situation to the best of my abilities. My heart goes out to her because she has had such a difficult life and needs lots of TLC. His mother and daughter are willing to give it a try this summer. I haven't met her because we live in Wisconsin and they live in Colorado, but have talked with her on the phone and via messenger quite a bit. We don't want to put pressure on her to blend with our family if she doesn't want to, but want to make her feel welcome to do so. It will be based on her comfort level. I know the wedding will be the least of our concerns if she should decide to live with us, but it is an opportunity for us to give her reassurance that we want to include her in our family. My partner and I hope to have a unity candle ritual at the ceremony that will included both his daughter and my son: each of us lighting our own candle from the same source and then lighting a central candle with all of our candles. Should we nix this or should we go ahead with just my son if she doesn't want to participate? My partner asked her if she wanted to be our flower girl and got a ho hum response. Can I ask her to be a bridesmaid or to take some other, more grown up role in the wedding even though my parnter has already asked her to be a flower girl?

Thank you!

Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT

Post #2 of 5 (4235 views)

Re: [jknight] complex blending issue [In reply to]

Dear Blending,

The unity candle is a wonderful idea. But if she isn't comfortable, it may be best not to do this at all. This is because it is as if you three are publicly becoming a family with her sitting this one out--even though it is her decision.

You didn't say how old she is. If she is older than six (some say eight, but so many children are so tall and look older), it would be an insult to be a flower girl. Standing in as attendant depends on her age. She can be a junior bridesmaid is she is between ages nine and fourteen. It would be nice to include her in any way she feels comfortable.

Best wishes,
Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com

jknight
New User

Post #3 of 5 (4234 views)

Re: [Et.byRebecca] complex blending issue [In reply to]

Thanks for the advice!!
She is 12 and is 5'5" tall. I will ask her to be a bridesmaid.

In Reply To

Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT

Post #4 of 5 (4233 views)

Re: [jknight] complex blending issue [In reply to]

Probably a junior bridesmaid would be better due to her age.
Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor / Moderator

Post #5 of 5 (4227 views)

Re: [jknight] complex blending issue [In reply to]

I think just letting her know how much you both want her to be included is so important and will send the right message to her and help her to see that she is welcomed into the family.

I think it's fabulous that you are so willingly taking on this responsibility particularely because you are aware of the difficulties that your soon-to-be stepdaughter has endured until now, and that this may make her transition into your family more difficult for her and for all of you. Hats off to both of you for being so sensitive to her feelings and needs.

Because blending a family makes planning a wedding seem like a walk in the park, and I say that with all seriousness, I would suggest that the two of you prepare yourselves as much as possible for this new challenge. There are a variety of ways of doing this from reading good books on the subject to seeking out pre-re-marital counselling for blended families. I'll suggest one good book in particular, for yourself and it will also be a good one for your partner to look at as well. "The Enlightened Stepmother" by Perdita Kirkness Norwood. This book will help you as you prepare to be a stepmother to this young woman who has endured so much upheaval in her life and who, despite all of your efforts, may not be as receptive to your caring and concern at first, as you would expect.

You can also check out my website for other information on this subject and other books and resources; it is www.stepinstitute.ca Best of luck and once again, congratulations on being so thoughtful and proactive where your family is concerned.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca

(This post was edited by yvonne"instep" on Jan 25, 2006, 12:13 PM)