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Jas
New User
May 16, 2005, 10:50 AM
Post #1 of 5
(3148 views)
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Surprising kids with second wedding
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My fiance and I are getting married this coming Saturday. He has 3 boys, 13,16, and 19. The 13 and 16 year olds have been coming to our house every other weekend for the past year... so I have a pretty good relationship with them. I have only seen the oldest one twice. The 1st time his mother (the ex-wife) assaulted me. Talk about your 1st impressions! Anyway, the kids know we are engaged but my future husband has not told them when we are getting married. He plans to tell them when he picks them up from their mother's home Friday afternoon. Our wedding will not have any attendants or other people, including the kids, participating. My fiance is afraid that his ex-wife will take the kids away for the weekend if she knows that our wedding is Saturday. I am aware of the legalities of her refusing visitation, however, my fiance doesn't want her to bother him or start taking badly about us (which she does) in front of the kids. The ex-wife acts irrational and has manipulated the oldest child where he doesn't have much of a relationship with his father. The 19 year old only calls my fiance if he needs something, etc.
What do you think about surprising the kids with the wedding the day before it happens? And, my husband wants the 19 year old to attend. I really don't think he will come because of the relationship with his mother. How do you think my husband should handle the 19 year old? I want Saturday to go smoothly. Help!
Jas
(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 31, 2007, 4:46 PM)
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emily4families
Novice
May 16, 2005, 3:34 PM
Post #2 of 5
(3144 views)
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Re: [Jas] My wedding is Saturday, advice needed!
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Good for you to seek advice -- though I am very concerned about the timing. There's no way to avoid "springing" the wedding on them at this late date. You will have to contend with all sorts of reactions to the wedding right as you are in the midst of it. I feel for you. This is not at all what I would recommend to couple's in your position. I'm so concerned for you that my first thought is to recommend that you postpone the date until such time as the boys have all had a chance to feel acknowledged, included, and honored as a part of this massive decision and change that will affect them for the rest of their lives.
I'm wondering about the impact of your fiance's choices on his sons. If he operates from a place of withholding from them as a way to mitagate or avoid his ex-wife's behaviors, then his relationship with his sons is suffering as much from his choices as hers. I strongly recommend that he read the book Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak to learn more about the damage that is being done as well as strategies he can use to stay connected with his sons -- no matter what she does.
And, dear one, you're smack in the middle of it all, and you'll get the brunt of their rage and distrust, as you're the easiest target.
If you are going to go forward as planned, then you may want to consider the following:
1. Share your decision and choice from a place of empathy for THEM and what it will be like for THEM.
2. Connect with them around your intentions and your hopes for how this is the best way to go.
3. Get their feedback about their thoughts and how they want the rest of their relationship with you two as a married couple to look. And share with them your hopes and dreams for the future.
4. Come up with some special way to acknowledge each of the boys in your ceremony, so that they know you are getting married and committing to their entire family, not just their father.
I wish you well with this!
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
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Jas
New User
May 17, 2005, 7:50 AM
Post #3 of 5
(3128 views)
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Re: [emily4families] My wedding is Saturday, advice needed!
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Emily,
Thank you so much for your quick response. I found your suggestions quite interesting. My fiance and I both agree with you. I'm buying the book today (I reviewed it on Amazon) and it looks like just what we need. We are going to read it tonight and take action. I can't tell you how much I appreiciate your input. Thanks again! Jas.
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
May 17, 2005, 8:06 AM
Post #4 of 5
(3128 views)
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Re: [Jas] My wedding is Saturday, advice needed!
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You can get the book at barnes and Noble...they have great prices and deals for members.
Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent/Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
(This post was edited by the_admin on Apr 23, 2007, 2:44 PM)
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emily4families
Novice
May 17, 2005, 11:31 AM
Post #5 of 5
(3116 views)
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Re: [Jas] My wedding is Saturday, advice needed!
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This is why I'm doing this! I'm glad to be of service to you at this time.
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
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