Ask the Experts

Home: Second Weddings: Becoming a Blended Family:
Son is unhappy about remarriage

calleeh
New User

Post #1 of 4 (4158 views)

Son is unhappy about remarriage

My son (11yrs. old) is very angry about my remarriage. He is extremely close to his biological father and tends to blame me for the divorce (even though it was his dad who asked for it). We would like to get married in July 07 but my son has said that he is not going to the wedding. Should I postpone everything until he feels okay with it or am I waiting for something that will never happen?

(This post was edited by the_admin on Jan 18, 2007, 7:38 AM)

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #2 of 4 (4145 views)

Re: [calleeh] Son is unhappy about remarriage [In reply to]

Hi Calleeh,

My first question to you would be how long have you been divorced? My second question is how long have you been dating your fiance?

Both of those will have a major influence on how your son reacts. You are also struggling with one of the hardest age groups. Kids between the ages of 8-12 usually have the hardest time with a remarriage.

Does this mean you shouldn't get remarried? No! I do think you need to consider his feelings in the matter because he can and may purposely, if he's angry enough make your new marriage VERY difficult.

I'd like to direct you to my site for some resources that I think would be very beneficial for you.

I wish you the best of luck with your son and new marriage!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book

(This post was edited by the_admin on Jan 18, 2007, 8:27 AM)

calleeh
New User

Post #3 of 4 (4138 views)

Re: [Partner4Success] Son is unhappy about remarriage [In reply to]

I have been divorced for three years (separtated for 1 year before divorce) and I have been dating my fiance since July 06 ( I introduced him to my son in September 06). He has not had a lot of time to get to know him ~ the person I was dating before my fiance was a longer relationship and my son had a difficult time with the breakup ~ I don't want men to come and go in his life, I think its important for him to know that this time we have a commitment and therefore, when he forms a relationship with my fiance there is a sense of security that we are going to become a family.

Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER

Post #4 of 4 (4131 views)

Re: [calleeh] Son is unhappy about remarriage [In reply to]

Thanks for getting back to me Calleeh. I'm glad to hear you realize that it's going to be a little harder for your son this time around. He's suffered 2 losses (dad, and your ex-boyfriend). He should be hesitant about getting close to someone else. I'd be more concerned if he wasn't. It's just a matter of trying to protect himself.

You said yourself that he hasn't had much of an opportunity to build a relationship w/your fiance. If you guys are planning on a July wedding, then increasing the time you incorporate your fiance with the two of you needs to happen now! Don't push your finace on him, but just start having him present for more day to day kinds of things. I wouldn't focus on just special things because that's not what life will be like once you're married. He'll be around your son for the everyday at that point.

There's a fine balance here though. You don't want to have your fiance around so much that your son feels resentful that your fiance's encroaching on his time with you. That will be a balancing act you'll need to perfect as time goes on (time with just your son, vs time as an entire family).

Best wishes!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book