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michelle1994
New User
Oct 6, 2007, 11:35 PM
Post #1 of 8
(2328 views)
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Should we wait to be married until he spends more time with my children
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I have found myself lucky enough to be marrying my best friend in December. While everything is great, and my children like him alot, I am struggling with a couple things. He is in the Coast Guard, soo he hasn't been able to spend as much time with my 2 children (girl 11 and boy 5). He talks with them on the phone almost daily and often on the computer via web chat. That way the 3 of them can interact with each other (get to know expressions so forth) as much as possible. He absolutly adores them - loves them and me dearly, more than I thought was possible. I haven't been all that comfortable about men being around my children because their dad hit the road and we have never seen nor heard from him in years. But, with him, I don't worry about how my children will be cared for or loved. He adores and loves them dearly, has even spoke to me about when/if they are comfortable with it he wants to adopt them.
The thing that worries me is that because of his career, they have not spend time together in person. He does talk to my daughter and gives her what I think is wonderful advice. He will spend 1/2 hr talking to my son about hot wheel cars. The kids adore him (even after he got onto my daughter because she got a real attitude with him). He corrected it and told her if she couldn't speak to him nicely then maybe she shouldnt speak to him that evening but that he still loved her and would call the next day as he always does. Her response was, "WOW he is so cool!"
So, I'm wondering if we should wait to be ? We planned the wedding for Dec. while he is home for leave. He is being stationed about 3 hrs from where the kids and I live now in Feb. and the kids and I have decided to move down with him permantly. I have no doubts that he loves the children, just as I have no doubts they adore and respect him even tho ot hasnt been alot of hands on time. The 4 of us are simply crazy about each other and look forward to starting our new life together but I worry about the kids adjusting to the changes. Should we wait and allow some more "hands on time" or should we do what we think is right and start this new family together?
Thanks
(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 7, 2007, 9:44 AM)
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Oct 7, 2007, 9:53 AM
Post #2 of 8
(2316 views)
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Re: [michelle1994] Should we wait to be married until he spends more time with my children
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Michelle -
It does sound as if you've met a wonderful man. Please note that the advice given is purely opinion and is not based on etiquette of any sort.
There will be a lot of adjustments to make once you're married - every couple must learn how to live together. They say that you never really know someone until you live with them. I have found that to be the truth. However, it's a even more complicated with children. The day to day responsibilities of raising a family are not yet known to your man. He sounds as if he has what it takes but you should certainly discuss your concerns with him. Perhaps get some family counseling before, and even after, the wedding. If you have any doubts, it may be prudent to wait and see how all of you interact in person. If the love is there, it will wait.
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
/ Moderator
Oct 7, 2007, 11:34 AM
Post #3 of 8
(2311 views)
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Re: [michelle1994] Should we wait to be married until he spends more time with my children
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You didn't really say how much time he has had a chance to spend with them in person, but it sounds like very little. I think you have the makings of a great beginning here from the sounds of it. However, knowing how much of a challenge these transitions are particularely for children and new stepparents, I always recommend taking the time and utilizing any opportunity possible to build relationships before moving to the next level. Something changes when it becomes permananent and even when I had lived with my husband and his kids for 9 months before we got married, the kids and I still found it to be a different and more challenging reality after the wedding.
If it's possible to have more together time before the wedding, I would encourage it. But if you do decide to proceed, just know that there will be challenges ahead and that isn't anyone's fault, it will be the stepfamily dynamics at play that will create any of the issues that you experience. So I would suggest as you have already heard in the advice above, that if you do decide to proceed with the December wedding that some form or coaching to prepare you for your new life together would be wise. We always encourage couples who are embarking on a life in a blended family, to seek out either in-person or phone counseling or support, even if they have had a considerable amount of time to get to know each other and build relationships beforehand. You can check out my site for additional resources, suggestions and articles that may help you as you consider your decision together. And don't hesitate to talk about this together. Taking the time to prepare now is not about having second thoughts or being reluctant to get together, but is a wise, cautious and preventative step or investment in you relationship and your family that all couples should consider.
Best of luck in making your decision and in your new life/family together.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 7, 2007, 12:40 PM)
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michelle1994
New User
Oct 7, 2007, 11:43 AM
Post #4 of 8
(2308 views)
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Re: [the_admin] Should we wait to be married until he spends more time with my children
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Thank you for you opinion. One good thing is that while he doesn't have children of his own (he cannot) his first wife was older and had a teenage daughter. I think this is why he gives such good advice to my daughter. He is aware of how somedays with children can make you smile from ear to ear while others you can just feel the grey hair popping through by the dozens.
We have discussed in depth our views on raising children from responsibilties to disciplne. We have the same outlook on these topics (guess it helps that I grew up military and so did he.). I already run my house much like I was raised by my Air Force dad!
Usually my kids are very good at chasing men off. They haven't liked anyone. But with this man, even when he has visited, they have been very receptive to him and have created a good bond. It is astounding and beautiful for me to see this happening especially with someone who has known me so long and has been a family friend for years. My son doesnt know this but he was the 3rd person to hold my son. My husband had already left so when he found out I was delivering my son alone he hopped the 1st plane to where I lived from his base in CA! Also the kids have been absolutly delighted by the news and planning of the wedding. I just worry that doing this quickly will bite us in the heiney. We decided to move to his new station because in order for us to get base housing we have to be married. He knows I work hard and provide a good life for my children but he knows that the inurance payments kill me. Marrying also fixes this problem. So, while there seem to be nothing but good reasons for us to get married I wonder if it more boils down to the fact I am scared.
(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 7, 2007, 12:51 PM)
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Oct 7, 2007, 12:45 PM
Post #5 of 8
(2303 views)
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Re: [michelle1994] Should we wait to be married until he spends more time with my children
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Michelle -
Please take the time to format your posts using proper grammar and punctuation so that our experts can understand your statements and answer in a timely manner. Please use the spell check that is in place on every page too. Also, as per the posting rules, please try to keep your posts as concise as possible so that our experts don't have to wade through a lot of extraneous information to get to the issue. Remember that none of the experts are paid for their time so let's all try to be considerate of them by taking time to format according to the forum rules. Thank you for helping us to help you.
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
(This post was edited by the_admin on Oct 7, 2007, 12:52 PM)
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
/ Moderator
Oct 7, 2007, 1:52 PM
Post #6 of 8
(2294 views)
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Re: [michelle1994] Should we wait to be married until he spends more time with my children
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Being afraid of making this big change may be an entirely other personal issue altogether. Or it may just be your intuitive sense that although this is what you want, it is too soon because of your children. If the two of you were unattached with no children this would be a different story. So maybe scared is a word you are using for just being concerned that you don't know everything the future holds and would not want to look back and think perhaps if we had just prepared a little more, we could have saved ourself a lot of heartache along the way. There are many good books that talk about the stepfamily dynamics which plague most families and it would be wise for you both to look at bit more into this. I see far too many people who make these decisions "in love" and "in good faith" only to feel like they have been hit by a truck with the issues they couldn't have possibly seen coming. We call it "Hearts Wide Open and Eyes Wide Shut." Wouldn't it be far better to be prepared mentally and emotionally a bit more for all of this for yourself, your partner and your chidlren's sake? I think you're wise to be both concerned and cautious.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Oct 7, 2007, 1:59 PM
Post #7 of 8
(2290 views)
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Re: [michelle1994] Should we wait to be married until he spends more time with my children
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Don't allow monetary issues like insurance and housing to become determining factors. Those shouldn't even enter into the equation. We have lots of posts from couples who took the plunge in order to receive some sort of benefit and regretted making the decision based on those benefits.
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER
Oct 8, 2007, 1:08 PM
Post #8 of 8
(2288 views)
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Re: [michelle1994] Should we wait to be married until he spends more time with my children
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Hi Michelle,
I have to agree with the other advice you've been offerred. I've worked with SO many step couples that just felt completely blindsided once they were married and the step family dynamics started kicking in.
While the everyone gets along great right now, you need to realize that it's easy to get along now because they don't have to for extended periods of time. A 1/2 hour phone call is long enough to still be gracious. Living under the same roof 24/7 is something completely different.
There also seems to be a huge change that happens to everyone once a marriage has happened. While the kids may have acted as if they liked mom or dad's "friend" before hand, once real life kicks in and they see things are definitely permanent attitudes tend to shift. The same goes for the new spouse. Minor annoyances seem really big now because there isn't a break away from them.
While the housing and insurance aspects would be nice, they are conveniences, not necessities. Having a stable marriage and family is. There's a lot of resources out there for preparing to remarry and also on step family preparation. I'd encourage you to look into these.
I wish you and your family the very best!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book
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