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Second Marriage - future stepson doesn't want to attend wedding

bac
New User

Post #1 of 4 (3384 views)

Second Marriage - future stepson doesn't want to attend wedding

My fiancee is English and moved to the US from England about 4.5 years ago. We have been going together for the last 4 years and got engaged a year ago and have a wedding date of 4/13/2006. My fiancee has two children 9 and 12 who live in England and I have two children who live with me 17 and 12. He was there for Christmas this year and his son told him he doesn't want to be in the wedding or attend. He also said he doesn't want to come and visit us on his summer vacation. He said he doesn't feel as though he is part of our family because he lives so far away. My fiancee travels back to England 4 to 5 times a year to see his children when they are out of school and talks to them by phone every week.
Thank you

(This post was edited by the_admin on Dec 27, 2005, 7:41 PM)

Jill
Family Psychotherapist

Post #2 of 4 (3377 views)

Re: [bac] Second Marriage - future stepson doesn't want to attend wedding [In reply to]

long-distance parenting can be very hard on parent and child. Your fiance seems to be making the best effort he can, but I hope that his son will change his mind and come to your wedding. When a parent remarries it can be hard for a child because then they have to accept that their parents will never get back together again. (This is often a strong hope for children, even against all the evidence and odds). I wonder if he has discussed this with his ex? You really need her help and cooperation here.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!

(This post was edited by the_admin on Dec 28, 2005, 7:13 AM)

bac
New User

Post #3 of 4 (3375 views)

Re: [Jill] Second Marriage - future stepson doesn't want to attend wedding [In reply to]

Thank you for replying to my post. The situation is that the "mother" my fiance's ex-wife has been in a long-term relationship for about 5 years and living with her partner and his two children for about the last three years, so given that fact I doubt his children think their parents will get back together, but I do think they would like their father to move back to the UK. He has spoken to them and made it clear that will not happen at least in the short-term we both have jobs here and it is not possible for us to re-locate to the UK. His ex-wife will not allow his children to travel to the US to spend time with us. So it's no wonder they feel left out. We are hoping that she will change her mind once we are married. I did advise my fiance to speak to her as we need her cooperation. We all traveled to the UK last summer for a two week vacation with his children and we all had a great time together.

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor / Moderator

Post #4 of 4 (3367 views)

Re: [bac] Second Marriage - future stepson doesn't want to attend wedding [In reply to]

This is very difficult but it may take some time for everything to come together, which isn't unusual in a blended family, even when families spend a great deal more time together than you will obviously be able to spend together with your partner's children. Although the kids may not think their parents are going to get back together, they have experienced losses and have already needed to make major adjustments in their young lives. They share their mother with her new partner and children and are now dealing with not having their father around for the bigger part of their lives so this may take some time for them to accept and or adjust to, understandably. I agree that working with your partner's ex to get her cooperation and make it as possible for the kids to see their father and new family as much as possible will be a key to them maintaining a good relationship with their Dad.

As for the kids, let them know that you understand that this must be difficult for them, let them talk and share their feelings, even their frustrations, and let them know that you won't push them to accept things any sooner than they are ready. They may need time to adjust and will appreciate knowing that the adults really do want to listen and try to understand how this is effecting them. This is part of building a solid foundation and relationship with them, even if it is on a long-distance basis. If they feel heard, understood and respected, they will be more likely to want to spend time with both of you and build a relationship, once they are ready and the arrangements are in place.

Best of luck with everything!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca