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My oldest son moved out over my marraige

dpetty
New User

Post #1 of 3 (3273 views)

My oldest son moved out over my marraige

Well my oldest son (18) moved out just after I got remarried, at first he was semi-warm to the idea but then after we marred he became hard to deal with, my wife cooked for him, made his lunchs for work, ironed his cloths. About 2 weeks before he moved out he would call her and complaint about his cloths, or what was for dinner, etc. He refused to help around the house after he got off work, once while I wasn't there he told my wife to leave him alone because he was on the phone (she asked him to pickup my youngest son from a after school event as she was involved with a work related call). Currently he has moved in with my sister and her family, last Monday he was layed off from work again, he picks the worse places to get a job at, he has been layed off work from 4 differnet companies. He only wants to work outdoors so that is always based on the weather. The job before this one he goofed off for 3 months before finding work again. I had to hound him to no end to go back to work. Anyway he has told everyone we threw him out (whole family is mad at us), but with two other 15 yrs and a 11 yr old in my house we have to maintain some order and he always keeps things in a uproar. But when he runs out of money or wants something he boils into the house and tells me I have to help him. What should i do about this?

David

emily4families
Novice

Post #2 of 3 (3265 views)

Re: [dpetty] My oldest son moved out over my marraige [In reply to]

My sense from what you've written is that your oldest son's behavior has very little to do with your remarriage. He's at an age where he needs to take more responsibility for his life and to become more independent. If he needs to use your new wife as an excuse for moving out, let it be so.

I do wonder about how he has been raised up until this point. What's the situation with his mother? How long has he been allowed to get away with this kind of behavior?

Think of it this way, he has been trained to behave this way, and your younger ones are likely to follow suit, if the parenting is similar.

You need some serious support in creating clear boundaries, and communicating effectively with all your children.

Some resources that are excellent include: the Life Saver Kit at www.loveandlogic.com; any books at www.mikeriera.com; and any books or trainings by Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Non-Violent Communication.

I strongly recommend that you and your new wife seek out professional support (therapy, counseling, parenting classes, coaching), to learn how you can address the level of disrespect, rudeness, and entitlement that has been cultivated in your children. Let's hope it's not too late for the younger ones.

I wish you well.
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"

dpetty
New User

Post #3 of 3 (3261 views)

Re: [emily4families] My oldest son moved out over my marraige [In reply to]

Well I agree he has alot of issues that carried over from the divorce, he doesn't have a relationship with his mother, at the time of the divorce she was more interesting in running wild and free so she signed away her rights in order to avoid child support. But as of recent my ex-wife has seen her mistakes and I have encouraged the boys to work out the issues they have with her. The oldest holds alot of hate towards her and I want him to work that out with her but at the moment he is not willing to do that.

David